Name: Norm Macdonald Live in Toronto - January 30, 2015
Uploaded: 2021-11-08T08:10:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live in Toronto - January 30, 2015' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live in Toronto - January 30, 2015' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-08. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Live in Toronto - January 30, 2015

Oh, man, you're nice.
That's sweet, man.
That's nice.
That's very, very, very, very nice.
That's nice, man.
You can't get nicer than we got to run out of my cup once.
I get all my wisdom off cups.
You ever go, God damn, I'm going to buy that motherfucker a cup?
That's so wise to say a fish backward on the count of the water.
Every morning, I will drink coffee from my cup, and I'll read that fucking wise
thing.
That's the wisest cup maker I ever come to mind.
But then I go, fuck it, I'm not buying the water.
I'm like, $5.99, I'll rent that cup easily.
Two dollars.
I'll just get a regular cup and remember that wise thing.
I remember one time, I think, they were thinking of a wise thing, because I
think people that stumble on them, people that retards, like, you know, they
ever, like someone now, I was like, it's better to be, uh, uh, what was it?
It better be sorry than safe, I swish them around, right?
And then when I said, if I did it by mistake, I'll be honest with you.
It was that, it was like, okay, it sounds like someone's wife's fucker would
say.
So, then I started saying to my friend, I go, hey man, what do you think of
this one?
It's better to be sorry than safe.
And then people go, ask Andrew Jarvis.
I said, no, it's not, I'm just lying, I swear.
The same here was me saying it.
So then I started doing this thing, because I was really convinced about that.
And so I started wiring around, I go, hey man, and it's Winston Churchill.
Sorry, see, and then they go, god damn, that's wise.
And I go, it's me, your father.
And he goes, it's not wise, I go, it's too late.
It is wise, I know it is.
Why is it so unbelievable that a man can't comb one wise thing out of his
entire fucking life?
I've got to learn how to use a mic stand.
That's on my to-do list on how to become a better stand-up.
How to use a mic-a-tron stand.
I've got a big to-do list for that.
But I love Stanleym, I love the feeling of taking some of that, just, you know,
it's such a beautiful feeling of taking a group of people, you know,
and with my comedy, just transforming them into an unruly mob.
This guy's watching them by my Uncle Buck.
That's a good stand-up show, look at it.
Everything's fast, not good girls.
That's always fun when you're starting to start saying, anyway, my Uncle Bae is
going.
You know, Uncle Basil, of course, you know, that's your, um, used to be your
husband before he died.
Anyways, I'll never forget Uncle Basil, on his deathbed, as opposed to me.
It was about you, actually, I've never heard of this story.
What was it?
Are we saying something?
About, uh, on the bass or something?
I know, I was like, I was not even aware of it.
I was playing, uh, the same machine to James.
I was playing, uh, coins.
Coins?
Goddamn, an 85-year-old.
Excuse me, a young guy.
My mom, she old.
She got a lot of that shit, man.
It's good for old people, you know, because, because they get to, with a
computer, it's fucking awesome.
My mom's 80, she doesn't do shit, and talk to people her age, man, people, uh,
75 years younger.
She doesn't have to talk to about a five-year-old, but, you know, a huge gap,
and, uh, keeps her going, and, you know, she sits in the chair and does that
all day.
Yeah, she used to sit in the chair and just do this.
So it's big, big, big, big hell.
I got my mom with me now.
She, uh, she's a different mom, I had a little from my old place, but she
settled in Ottawa, and a lot of my relatives are there, and, uh, and, uh, yeah,
the wonderful Ottawa Valley is where, uh, where my heritage comes from.
Yeah, goddamn right.
Last time I was here, Gord Mackown, let's see if he's another fellow.
Gordie!
You know Gordie?
Gordie, are you here tonight?
Gordie!
Gordie, are you here tonight?
Gordie, are you here tonight?
Gordie!
Gordie!
Gordie!
Gordie!
Gordie!
Gordie!
Gordie!
Gordie!
Gordie!
Gordie!
Gordie!
Gordie!
Gordie!
Gordie!
Gordie!
Gordie!
Gordie!
Gordie!
Gordie!
Gordie!
Gordie!
Gordie!
Gordie!
Gordie!
Gordie!
You know that was awesome. You know that was awesome. You know that was awesome.
That's where you don't know what the fuck's going on. People come up to you go,
mother fucker, you're the shit. Thank you. I'm not kidding, man. You're the
shit. And fuck your own mother.
Words are all meaningless. It just has to go by the sound of a person. You know?
Shit, I know how people mean like celebrities and shit. Sometimes they go, oh,
I'm not such a big celebrity. But sometimes people, oh, I don't mean to buy it.
Oh, and all that shit. Now this may be racist and shit. But this is what I
found with the brothers. You know?
I love the brothers because they don't give a fuck. They're never like, I don't
want to look like a fucking idiot. They're not like that. I've never seen a
white guy do in my life. And I don't know if you've ever seen this, but they're
like this.
I don't know if I ever want to run out. I just run away. You know? Fucking 30
blocks down here.
And then they try to tell a lot of people who don't know who the fuck I am.
Well, you don't want this motherfucker. You think. They make me do things.
You know, you do the black club. The brothers are fucking funny. You know?
You do white clubs. Everybody's retards.
Sick ducks, you know?
But you do the black clubs. Motherfucker's funnier than you.
You're like, oh.
I don't know if you're fine at all.
But of course, Canada don't have black guys.
I understand that. I'm experimenting a little with it.
The close name was Pakistani.
We call them Paki's.
There's the nicest people in the world, you know?
People named people that, "Hey, I got a damn Paki's."
I'm like, "This is my most polite people I've ever met."
"Yeah, I'll fuck 'em. We'll get that."
They had a branch for us, which was the...
You know, somebody was telling me that hard.
Because we're having so long, everybody have an election and shit.
And I was thinking about banana elections because it was very easy when I was
young.
It was just, "Vote for the man, uh, who is not French."
We never had to fall in issues at all.
But it was obviously a badder place back then.
And, uh, and, uh, you know, people progressed a lot of ways.
And, uh, obviously with love.
Because, goddamn, you gotta be able to love, you know, people, you know,
language.
It was gonna be the only thing that stops you from loving someone.
If not understanding a single fucking word that the other person said,
it's gonna somehow get between, you know, kids do it.
I remember one time I might come from Quebec City, but I walked into the Chateau
Laurier,
Chateau Frontenac, Quebec City, and they said they had a language lot for every
English word.
You had to have a French word right beside it.
And so it was a hotel, you know, in the Chateau Frontenac.
And it said, so anyways, it sat behind the, the thing that was assigned.
It said, "Reception," and then there was a slash, right?
It said, "Reception, slash, Reception."
We had elections, like, in America, and then elections that are, like,
important.
Because you're voting for the wrong guy, and the world blows up.
It's like serious stuff, you know?
Yeah, because that doesn't happen with Canada, no.
Like, really, you know, nothing terrible is gonna happen.
But that's why I don't vote in America, plus, I'm an American citizen.
It won't have to vote, but I wouldn't anyway, because I would not want to make
the wrong decision.
And then the fucking world blows up, and then they're like, "Can you vote for
that guy?"
I'm like, "Uh, I don't know."
He's a good speaker, a good public speaker.
That's what I choose.
I never voted in Canada, because the stakes in Canada seem so crazy low, like,
you know what I mean?
Like, you know, in America, you talk about your life and go, "What do you vote?
What's your, what's your vote for a battle?"
You know, health insurance for everybody, and get out of war, get the troops on,
get our boys on.
And that's what's important to me, and, of course, the economy.
Then in Canada, you go, "What are you voting for?"
And people go, "Well, what the fuck do you think? The bridge."
They have to do that bridge.
Well, how bad.
I believe that's about on the other hand.
So I've had that political election.
I think the real political...
You know what I know you're really into politics?
Is when you start putting up signs, like, on your fucking grass.
Lawn and shit.
That's not even for the leader, it's for, like, Alderman or something like that.
I don't even know what that is.
Like, Hornsby for Alderman.
It works.
I go, "I could all vote for Hornsby."
You know, after that guy went to the trouble of doing that, it would be
important to something.
That's the biggest difference, really.
I mean, think about it.
Is that the Americans, you get to vote for the president.
You get to vote for the man that will be the leader.
You know, but here, you don't.
You don't get to vote for Harper or anything like that.
You just get to vote, like, for your riotings.
You just get to vote for some fucker down the street.
Then he comes to your house and you're like, "So, anyway, what about that
fucking bridge?"
I'm tired of that shit.
You know, it's like, "That's the first order of business."
And I'm like, "Yeah, that's my vote, you know."
Anyways, you know, you don't get a chance if you can't go to Harper.
But I voted for you, sir.
You gotta go.
You ever hear of a fella named Bill "Henderson"?
Oh my God.
So then your guy, he goes to the House of the Commons, which is a fucking super
cool place.
And he has a chair, he can chair and show that.
And then people wear, um, wigs from the 14th century.
But then they go, "Okay, any order of business."
"Hey, what about, what, you got something to say?"
"Henderson, do you see your hands up?"
And I was like, "Yes."
I was thinking, "We got a bridge."
And, uh, what about her, like, when you go on it, there's a bump.
And they go, "What the fuck are you talking about?"
"A bridge, just sit down, shut the fuck up."
And you get to stay, you know what I'm talking about.
They go, "Hey, what's up going on with the bridge?"
And he's like, "We're working on it, you know, with green people."
And it's a tri-bill.
It's so bullshit.
I don't got no, I don't got no opinions.
I know I'm against power.
Fuck that power shit.
I'm like, none of that shit.
It's like the queen.
Queen is still the queen of Canada.
I didn't even know that.
That's what it told me.
But...
It's weird, you know, the queen is the richest lady in the whole world.
Don't be richer than the queen, right?
Now, you see, uh, fucking, uh, like, the Arab Spring.
Wait, is that Oprah in the middle?
I don't got a good chunk of change, I believe you.
But you see the Arab Spring, and they got that guy, Asad.
He's the guy from Syria and fucking shit.
And everybody, I fight him, and then they fucking,
he's saying, "Ah, throw gas, throw a bunch of gas."
And they're like, "Ah, gas."
And then, "Oh, my father died in the hands of Assad.
And my grandpa, we were fighting the whole,
fighting tooth and nail, that motherfucker.
We'll beat him."
Meanwhile, you got England, right?
And, uh, nobody got no money there, just like everywhere else.
And then, you got Buckingham Palace, where all the money is.
Yeah, just like a whole bunch of gold and shit.
And, uh, they got about half the money of the entire country.
It's one family.
And, uh, they're guarded by, like, uh, six guys and crazy things.
And it seems like it would be super easy
And it seems like, it seems like we could do it.
Just in this room.
We decided to grab the wheel.
And we'll be in a Heathrow.
And we'll take over that goddamn Buckingham Palace.
And we'll take it all the gold out.
Just do it with the people.
And, uh, we'll do that.
And, uh, we'll do that.
Yeah, they'd probably get us in the newspaper.
I don't know why.
I don't know why.
That's such a crazy idea.
Goddamn.
I don't know why.
I don't know why.
That's such a crazy idea.
Goddamn queen.
I don't know why.
My grandma.
She's like...
I remember one time the queen had to take a pay cut or something.
She's like, "What's Liz