Name: Norm Macdonald Live In New York City - 9/15/2018
Uploaded: 2021-11-09T18:41:49.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live In New York City - 9/15/2018' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live In New York City - 9/15/2018' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-09. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Live In New York City - 9/15/2018

Without further ado, are you ready for a headliner?
Elvis Costello, ladies and gentlemen.
Elvis Costello now coming to the stage.
Uh, is he here? Seriously?
Yeah, okay. Anyway, what's going on with you guys?
I'm just gonna, I'm gonna do another 45.
That's cool with you guys.
Uh, it's like...
Let me hear you, let me hear you.
Ladies and gentlemen, Nolan McDonald!
You're alright, okay?
You're alright, okay?
You're alright, you're alright, okay?
Um, it's funny, uh...
You're alright, you're alright, okay?
Um, it's funny, uh...
You're alright, you're alright, okay?
You're alright, you're alright, you're alright, okay?
You're alright, you're alright, okay?
Um, it's funny, uh...
You're alright, you're alright, okay?
You're alright, you're alright, okay?
Um, it's funny, uh...
You're right in your arms!
Oh, thank you.
Carson Daly.
I was on a show with Carson Daly, right?
And, uh, I'd done a movie, and so they had a show, MTV was real big.
Remember when people used to watch that?
And so...
And I, uh, had a movie, and so I went, they go, "You gotta do Carson Daly."
And I was a young kid, you know, they said...
The way they put it is, "You should do Carson."
And I was like, "Yes!"
That's all in my dream, I was young.
Like, you know, disc jockey, celibate and stuff.
So I'm on the beach, it's a beach, the beach house with Carson Daly, or
something like that.
It was all sand.
And I'm wearing, like, a leather jacket, and I don't...
I don't like my body.
So I'm all out of shape.
Everybody there, like, 19, beautiful.
So then, uh, Carson Daly makes it to give me a funny bit.
He's like, "Norm, by the end of the week, we're getting some, uh, some swimming
trunks."
And he didn't say trunks, you know?
I'm like, "Nah, nah, nah, that's not gonna happen," you know?
Might as well abandon that thought, you know?
So, then he's like, "Hey, uh, the commercial, you know, pass around the pot,
better get some money going."
And I'm like, "Nah, this bit, we shouldn't do this bit no more."
Then we come back, and he'd go, "Hey, just pass out some money, maybe get some
Norm, Norm into some Speedos."
Not Speedos.
I keep going with us, it's not going anywhere.
Like, you know, we were doing a week-long show, so I said, "We shouldn't build
it all up."
And in the end, I don't do nothing.
But he thought I was gonna do it, so anyways.
On the final day, he said, "All right, well, we've been watching all week to
see if Norm will, you know, wear some swimming clothes."
And I'm like, "No, I don't want to do it."
He's like, "How about we have a little, uh, uh, you know, a little, uh, dance
for him, you know?
Fashion show."
So, two guys, man, they got thongs on, so their asses are up there.
And they're dancing, and I'm like, sitting on a chair, and I'm like, trying to
pretend like that's cool, man.
So then the guy, and then Carcilli picks up the money, the money from trying to
talk me into it.
He goes, "150 bucks in this, either one of you that want to give Norm a lap
dance."
And they both got running at me in the beach.
And I'm like, I was on the television and shit, so.
And I'm like, wait, like, in a half a minute, like, a guy's gonna be grinding
his fucking ass on a cock.
And I'm like, "That can't look good on my reel."
And then, uh, like me punching a guy in a speedo, that's gonna look good.
That's gonna look even worse.
So, but I had to decide.
I only had like five seconds since the guy was running so fast.
So I just ran away.
And then, even though it was by far the best of the three choices, I still, I
just pay for it.
'Cause when we came back, everybody was like, "Ah, Norm the homophobe."
I don't think he's gay or something.
He lets a guy rub his ass in his face.
Deeply closeted.
Deeply closeted gay.
We, uh, call ourselves, um, um, DGC, DCGs.
Deeply closeted gay.
And, uh, here's the thing.
Yeah, you were a secret gay.
I don't know any of you guys.
Here's the fucking problem.
Nobody knows who's in the fucking group.
You know what I mean?
So we have a community, and we never know who else is over here.
You and, you know.
And you're like, "Nah, forget it."
Yeah, whatever.
It's not a great community.
Sure.
Always living a lie.
And people don't understand.
Here's what people don't understand.
Here's what people don't understand.
Here's what people don't understand about deeply closeted gay guys.
Oh, thanks a lot, man.
Thanks, man.
I appreciate it.
Is that, uh, they're always, uh, they always, uh,
because they don't know enough about our, uh, group.
Community.
Our community.
The community of deeply closeted gay guys.
So they, uh, they tend to, because they're ignorant.
They call you gay.
You know what I mean?
And so many times I've had this conversation.
Oh, a very closeted gay man.
And they go, "Oh, I didn't know you were gay."
And I'm like, "I'm not gay.
What the fuck is wrong with your hearing?"
I don't like gay people.
I don't like gay people.
I don't like gay people.
Who's the closet gay?
It's a tough thing to be.
I'll say that.
I got married, you know.
Keep up appearances, you know.
So you gotta do a lot of shit like that.
And, uh, Ruth.
Oh, god damn.
You know, I know, like, the differences between men and women in a relationship
may be kind of hacked, you know.
Material for a comedian.
But this comes from a guy who's a deeply closeted gay guy.
It's a different something you haven't heard, you know.
Like, I know the difference between, you know.
Like, after sex, you know, Ruth likes to cuddle.
I like to vomit.
She's a good-looking lady, but I find her sexually repulsive.
That's a nice lady.
So she cuddles, I vomit.
Sometimes I vanish.
One of the two.
Mom and Vanish.
Sometimes I'll just vanish.
And then, you know, a couple days later, I come back.
We're just like, "Where were ya?"
I'm like, "I was, uh, getting, uh, some, uh, there was a cat."
And I kind of brought back the house.
And they're like, "Ah, looking for that cat."
And I go, "Ah."
And she's like, "How long did that day?"
"Ah, 20 minutes or something."
"Well, you've been gone two days."
And I'm like, "No, it's a cat."
I mean, that's a horse thing.
People do different things.
Like, I was, uh, uh, housing on fire and shit.
And then, so I was like, "Get some water."
You know, throw the water in the fire.
And then, uh, the wild one was like, "That's the guy, the cat."
You know, everybody's like, "Whatever."
I'm like, "Whatever."
I'm like, "Whatever."
I'm like, "Whatever."
He's like, "Whatever."
"Whatever."
That's the story, you know.
"I don't know.
You're all right.
It's a fan of you."
She goes, "All right?"
I'm like, "I don't know.
An hour."
"Well, you've been gone for two days."
"What?"
"I was, uh, telling you about the can, uh..."
"Sucked off a guy in a purse."
"Where were these Christians all the time?"
"Where were these Christians women?"
"Parks is one of the things I've found most different since my days."
"Before I came out, you know."
"But, uh, you know, for a straight guy, you go to a park."
"Hey!"
"Park time, man."
"Let's get out that, uh, potato salad and antidea."
"Oh, you put mustard in it."
"And, uh, then don't forget about this."
"Oh, hey, I hope there's no ants."
"Ugh."
"Yeah, we'll learn everything, man."
"It's time when we try to have fun, right?"
"Meanwhile, I'm not a tree."
"Ahh!"
"Hey, hey, hey, hey."
"What's going on?"
"Yeah, I was just talking to my kid, I'm having a picnic."
"That's like capers of mustard, are you?"
"That's the code!"
"Don't do that no more!"
"No, no, whatever."
"It's a tough way to earn a box."
"Nah, nah, I don't make no coin off it."
"It's love."
"You ever hear that expression?
"I would like to make gloves to you up your asshole."
"You would agree with that, right?"
"I don't know, stuff about don't go right together."
"You would agree with that, right?"
"I don't know, stuff about don't go right together."
"I don't know, stuff about don't go right together."
"I don't know, stuff about don't go right together."
"I don't know, stuff about don't go right."
"I don't know, stuff about don't go right together."
"I don't know, stuff about don't go right."
"I don't know, stuff about don't go right together."
"I don't know, stuff about don't go right together."
"It's funny, because when you get to be at seminary, it's like, I'm an old man."
"So I can't, you know."
"My cock hasn't worked for a long time."
"That's a good thing. First of all, it's hard enough for me to get an erection,
like even doing tax time or something like that."
"Let alone, if the girl hated my guts that I was trying to lay down on top of."
"I think it would be hard for me to get real excited."
"But she tried to scratch my eyeballs out of it."
"Listen, if you're really not into it."
"No, that's about 90% of it to me is how much the girl likes me."
"I can look around a lot if the girl likes me."
"You know what I mean?"
"Well, she's, you know, not easy on the eyes, I guess."
"I guess when she kept saying she liked me the whole time, she looked better."
"Imagine a girl, I don't like you at all."
"I remember one time there was this girl and she was like, uh, she's everybody
into different things."
"Like, I'm just into finding a girl, lying down on top of her for a while."
"You know, I don't know, just as ordinary as you can imagine."
"And I don't like it when something else comes up."
"And one time there was this girl, she's like, uh, she's whispering in my ear,
she's like,
"You like it rough."
"I'm like, yes, but I don't."
"She doesn't want it."
"Yeah."
"But I didn't want her, I didn't want to go, no."
"And she's like, goes."
"So I go, yeah."
"It's the f*cking worst thing ever."
"Cause I'm not strong, you know?"
"So she's like resisting it, but I'm not doing anything."
"I'm going around and wrestling with it, like my neck."
"I don't have a good neck."
"Anyways, I could never, you know, achieve an erection while I'm worried about
my neck."
"Everything has to be just perfect."
"Or to work at all, you know?"
"A lot of things happen to be in play at the same time."
"And sometimes I eat them pills, but, uh..."
"No, I've never had them, it scared me too much."
"Because of the heart thing, you know?"
"I couldn't relax with a girl thinking about my heart the whole time."
"And God forbid four hours ever pass, I'd rather shoot myself in the head."
"Phone a f*cking doctor."
"Hey doc, yeah, listen, I know I don't like it that much, but, my f*cking cock
is rock hard."
"Hey, you've been hurt like four hours."
"Oh, yeah."
"What?"
"No, I don't want to go to your f*cking place."
"Yeah, instead of the phone, yeah."
"My cock, you know, the..."
"Have you heard of a f*cking emergency?"
"Like, 'Hey, hello?'
"I see a lot of gunshot words, I don't know if you can see over the..."
"Over, yeah."
"I'm cocked!"
"It's always hard!"
"Why do I have to go ahead and laugh?"
"I'm sure he got so filthy, you know?"
"I blame myself a little bit."
"I think, like, porn wrecked my ability for, you know, actual sex life where I
just..."
"Cause I used to be happy, I'd lie down on top of a lady, everything would be
fine."
"Whoo!"
"And then the girls liked that, you know, because they knew there wasn't a man
being weird, you know, their feet were not going to be involved in."
"So, you guys should tell you that early in the day, you know what I mean? If
you're a girl or something like that, you know?"
"Well, you know, you don't wait a long time until the..."
"You know, you're hopelessly in love with the person, you know?"
"Well, Gretchen, I guess it would take a blind fool not to see that..."
"I have feelings for you."
"I'm not sure I'm going out without you, uh..."
"I hope you'll, uh, do me the service of, uh, always being with you."
"God, Earl, yes!"
"Alright, well..."
"I'll be jizzing on your foot tonight."
"Why are you making me love you and everything?"
"I had to, I figured it earlier if I told you."
"Can't say it right away."
"I have to find a girl, let alone you got these weird things."
"A porno wrecked it for me because it was too crazy."
"Like, I guess I came onto it too late in the scene and I d