Name: Norm Macdonald Live In Denver, CO - 2019
Uploaded: 2021-11-10T01:47:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live In Denver, CO - 2019' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live In Denver, CO - 2019' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-10. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Live In Denver, CO - 2019

Alright, you guys ready to see the main you came to see?
Alright, I'm going to sing it loud: Norm Macdonald!
Okay, alright, alright, alright, alright, this is a great show.
Hey, what about Dr. Kevin Fitzgerald?
He just came out.
He's so high.
He's been such a great veterinarian, you know?
And Dr. Kevin Fitzgerald, fantastic guy, gay.
What's wrong with that?
Dr. Kevin Fitzgerald, I love his boyfriend, also a doctor, Dr. Gerald Fitzgerald.
And so, yeah!
He's not gay, he's a wonderful boyfriend.
Wonderful girlfriend.
It was funny he mentioned Jehovah's Witnesses, you know?
Because my mother, strict Jehovah's Witnesses, was Jehovah's Key Witness.
Oh, yeah!
That's true, that's true.
So, uh, great.
To be in Denver.
Um, uh, beautiful vistas, you know?
Um, scenery, you know?
Yeah, not us, there's no us.
They leave that out of the brochure.
And sometimes I wonder if that, uh, uh, that is what, uh, um, uh, why the
beautiful vistas are there.
It's just hallucinations for black to black.
I was so cold last night.
And so they put me up in a, not a hotel, what the fuck is over there?
And it's, uh, uh, it's an apartment building.
So instead of, you know, putting up in a hotel, they buy an apartment building
and let it appreciate while you go in.
And, uh, and, uh, so it's so hot.
It's so hot.
So you're living in, like, an old lady's apartment.
And it's so hot.
Like, incredibly hot.
Then I go outside, lashing cold, you know?
And then I go to Montana, Ted's.
I like eating bison.
And it's deadly hot.
Then I come back into the whipping cold.
And try to digest a bison, you know?
Maybe I actually have half a bison.
the guy drives us you know he picked us up and uh drove us to here you know
what i mean
whatever this is it's a weird like it's a song thing you know what i mean like
there's buildings
are here's a movie theater here's there's a place right beside us here's the
title of the place
onus o-n-u-s right so if you made a sign that was o-n-u-s you want that o to
look like
you're going to have a heart attack all this stuff you know what i mean i never
used to worry about it
now i'm old i was once young and now i'm old you know what i mean the old
saying goes there's no
old saying we're saying about that but i don't mind being old you know like
young people i always
think they got it over you if they're young and you're old but they don't
realize they're young
and you are you've been young animal hey well i've been young what the fuck do
they matter
my kid goes to tell me she's 18 years old i'm like what the
old man i'm used to it you know sometimes you know i feel like i'm an old man
trying to play a young man's game you know what i mean
that that's uh well you know lying down to ladies and feel like that
that's where you play hockey you know what i mean
yeah just this just stand up this is a young man being a woman's game really
right
there's nothing funnier than young women
i think we all know that
how about right what's your name josh right remember about when you were a
young kid is
anybody from a long time how long what cool man so you remember when you were
like 16 years old
fucking smoking dope with your buddies drunk and shit right remember one of you
turn the other guy go
god damn we're having a fun time uh we should invite over olivia
i'm not living in the 10th world
but anyways old man trying to you know
it's time man that's gonna be done about it's time you know snow gets a little
steeper you know
it's time you know deeper than me memory starts going deeper becomes deeper
i'm gonna bring in another guy
for all these from memory i retired from uh laying down double ladies
came here a guy drove us in the car got picked us up at the airport from
and uh and uh
and uh the entire time the guy's just bragging about fucking Denver
i'm like i don't know
the guy's like oh you know what's great about
but then as i'm driving i started to notice them i'm like man i'm like everyone's
white
so i say to the driver right i go well i go it's not that you know it's not
that hard to be not racist
but there's no black people this guy says we got our share
why did you know that job to drive cars always racist
you go to give cab places you have to pass some test to show how to race you
i remember driving you know you're getting that uh you know that game scruples
like you gotta figure
out you know what i mean you're getting that parrot out where you're in a cab
right
and the guy starts being racist you gotta get home you know what i mean
so when i was young i live way in the suburbs right there's a big stretch of
nothingness between
the town of suburbs so i had to take cab and you know i get in the middle of
nowhere you know
and that guy start with the racist stuff you know so what do you do you try to
correct him
you know because that's the ethical thing to do i agree with him
but i was very careful never to say anything like i bring my disagree that's
off you know it wasn't the
right thing but i didn't feel like being a crossfire i just wanted to get home
and it's not good because that's why that guy's racist because if everybody's
like me everyone
i'm going to grease with him because they start seeing a little different but
you know it starts in it starts in it starts in it's a damn bad thing
and you're like yeah you have the right idea it's right over here on the corner
what about when they're racist but you don't know what race
you got these words you never you know and one guy i remember he told me he
said you know what the
problem is don't you have a person with a group of people or something
too many brindle heads
i have to know who i hate i don't know what that is so i get home i look up brindle
there's no brindle head and then even brindle is something weird you know
all i knew about it was there's too many of them
you know what i mean in this world a little better place
less brindle head
it was only that easy
sometimes i need that though with profiling actually like that you know what i
mean
because they go like yeah because they you know if i can you know start looking
at my
grandmother's asshole or something you know and they're like it could be
anybody
because you don't want a profile you know but in a way that's good like like 9
11 right
it was all like swarthy men from the middle east imagine 9 11 was 19 people one
of them was my
grandmother another was a child another was a priest another guy from scandinavia
a jew a guy from the
middle east that'd be the worst thing ever much better that they all look alike
much better
let's be honest with you this is my biggest fear because i hate this this is
lamophobia that's going
on i think it's just the most grotesque thing and really my probably my biggest
fear the thing that
keeps me awake at night is what would happen imagine this uh uh a terrorist
group gets its hand on a dirty
bomb from the rogue government they set that dirty bomb off over the eastern seaboard
right and it it hits all these
very populous cities and it kills four or five million americans because
imagine the backlash against innocent muslims in this country
we got bad cops we got you know they're not all bad cops you know we got some
you know we got some you know here's the difference between a good cop and bad
cop in my estimation right
a good cop is the guy that you call when you're in trouble that guy's great
bad cop is the guy someone else calls when they're in trouble because of you
i heard about the next suicide by cop that's when a guy's just the end of his
rope instead of killing
himself he just like runs out there shooting you know just places surrounded by
cops walks out there
everybody's going to start shooting and have you ever heard of that suicide by
cop last week i heard a guy
did a black guy uh he uh broke his tail line
i'm going to sell that drugs
oh but i have no policies you know i try to think i try to figure out common
sense and
shit but i got no questions
i don't know
i've got no opinions i got views
everybody's got an opinion on everything you're supposed to have an opinion on
everything
but like when i was a kid i don't know people have maybe i don't know six seven
opinions
i was about food or something
what the best color is
you have all night i always know about what's the best color
now you expect everything what about the sea of japan
what do you think about the time we need and how the uh their gmp is uh going
down uh jack black
but i don't know what's wrong without knowing you know what i mean i got things
to do you think i
want everybody to read a high-walking book about the sea of japan you think i
want to read a book
first of all there's tv yes yeah if a book's good enough
but books make me so fucking sleepy and you only got so much
hey anyways whatever we came from las vegas nevada we flew and uh that's a bit
of a gamble
and i'll tell you what i did but i used to fly right from l.a to fucking uh
legis because i was a degenerate man and one night it was this fucking uh
turbulence
now i know about 200 words
turbulence and uh yeah i got real scared so i said i'll drive you know i don't
drive a car but i'll go
in a car you know with a person from los angeles to i don't know if you've ever
taken
they're ever driven or it's five six hours
but then anyway this is from l.a
now in front of you it's the middle of the night it's just you and giant trucks
full of trembling logs
go as fast as you can hope to god you don't die
dive in every time i've gone to vegas i've looked on the highway there'll be uh
uh tire marks that
just go into the desert
and just sometimes i don't know if you've ever had this but just from a snippet
of a conversation
you understand the complete scenario that that you know surrounds you found the
heart of it just by
hearing this snippet and so i was in an argument when i was walking by two uh
homeless guys right one
one homeless guy turns the other homeless guy and goes when the were you ever
in the montreal canadians as a goaltender what the
is that enough of this guy's horseshit
so i mean baby you ever see those guys uh uh pathological liars right
that's the isn't that the oddest like the lies are so huge you know like i had
a guy tony work with me
his lies are so big and then i'd get embarrassed he's the guy that should have
been embarrassed
but i'd wash dishes beside this sucker and you know i wash dishes and then he
washed dishes
besides we wash dishes each beside the other at a restaurant called the old
spaghetti factory
and um
so he went from a factory
right so uh he got so one time i was just in the toilet
the erotico means not even in the suburbs of toronto and i'm like it was in the
newspaper
i'm like oh bruce springsteen uh performed there last weekend in toronto he's
like yeah i partied
with him i'm like i didn't know i never remember him yet um and then he i guess
he
sent some doubt in my reflection or something he's like you can ask my brother
goes is this tony's brother hey listen i'm west dishes with tony each beside
the other
i just wanted to confirm some outlandish horseshit
the thing is i heard a snippet and from when i was in las vegas going down on
the elevator
this is the snippet right here because here's the thing people go to las vevis
right and people
go to las vevis and they they sometimes go they have a system they have a
system they have a
system they're going to use the system break the bank break the casino or at
least make a healthy
profit from this system that they've come up with and believe it or not some of
these systems
actually don't work at all i believe just a snippet of conversation i heard
that i had stumbled upon
the unravel of a system right because i'm i go in the elevator there's a man
that was that woman
and out of the blue the man says i don't give a what i said give me the money
the money that would hurt for it
i think he was abandoning his system
calling around here's how we rationally you are in a casino i went by the uh
roulette table right
and i put two hundred dollars down 