Name: Norm Macdonald Stand-Up in Toronto - 1988
Uploaded: 2021-11-11T05:57:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Stand-Up in Toronto - 1988' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Stand-Up in Toronto - 1988' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-11. Transcript available.

It's a weird thing, as soon as you get insurance, as soon as you sign a paper,
you think to yourself,
jeez, I hope somebody steals all my stuff soon.
No, otherwise, it's a gyp.
So, TV or not TV, that is the question.
Yeah, I love game shows, boy.
I saw this game show last week, the $1 million chance of a lifetime.
You can win a million dollars on that show, on a single word.
Word could be like cucumber.
You guess that you win a million dollars.
But if you lose, they give you the home game.
You're going to want to play the home game at that point.
Just assemble your undernourished family around your cramped, squalid tenement
and relive that magic moment dad blew a million bucks.
The neighbor's walking by, go, hey, Fred, do you wear a cucumber, man, anything
to you?
It's a dating game. You ever watch that show, The Dating Game?
That's a weird show there, boy.
The prize on that show is a human being.
Talk about cheap, they give you another contestant on that show.
They always do the same thing.
They get a beautiful girl, a gorgeous girl.
Match her up with three geeks.
Last week they had a guy, I was crazy, in that case, loony bin guy, wing nut.
Bachelor number two.
So the girl's asking him questions.
You know how they make the girls ask those embarrassing questions,
laced with sexual innuendo.
So the girl goes, Bachelor number two, if I were a popsicle,
what would you do to me?
So the guy goes, well, if you were a popsicle, well, uh,
first of all, I guess I'd, uh, take your wrapper off,
if you know what I mean.
And then I'd, uh, grab a hole of your, uh, sticks.
If you know what I mean.
And then I'd, uh, press you against the counters, are you broken too?
Put happy in the freezer till later.
You know what I mean?
I, myself, am, uh, gonna get married.
I'm living with a girl, and, uh, she wants to get married.
Uh, she keeps dropping hints all the time.
Dropping hints, you know?
Last week she got a one-year subscription to Bride magazine.
I renewed it for another five years.
Thanks a lot.
I'm no prize or anything like that.
I'm no prize, you know?
I'm a pretty lazy guy.
I just hang around on my couch, watch TV.
That's all I do, you know?
Lazy.
I could get hit by a truck tomorrow.
A big truck could hit me.
Paralyze me from the neck down.
Wouldn't affect my lifestyle a bit.
But I love TV.
I saw a commercial the other day for cat food.
Instead, at the end of it, it says all natural food for your cat.
All natural food.
But cat food's made out of horse meat.
Yeah, that's the way it works in nature.
The cat right above the horse in a food chain.
As a matter of fact, every time my kitty gets a little cooped up in the
apartment, I take
him down to the racetrack.
Let him stock some prey down there, you know?
So cute when he comes trotting back with a stallion hanging out of his mouth,
you know?
Oh, but I have a cat.
I'm trying to buy a dog now.
I went to this dog store, and I'll tell you, boy, typical salesman in this dog
store wanted
to sell me the most expensive dog in the store, you know?
Wanted to sell me a $600 dog.
Pitbull.
$600.
I was looking for a cheap dog, you know?
I just wanted a discount dog, you know?
That's why I...
Just something off the rack for me, you know?
Listen.
Show me your bin of dogs, I said to the guy.
But no, this guy wants to sell me the pitbull.
He says, this pitbull will protect your valuables.
And I don't have anything that valuable, you know?
I mean, I'd buy the pitbull, the most valuable thing I'd own.
Beat a pitbull, eh?
That's a bad dog to buy anyway, because why do you buy the dogs?
You can order them around.
You know, you can't order a pitbull around.
You can't say, okay, pitbull, run into the bedroom, fetch my slippers.
Go on, fetch my slippers.
And the pitbull will go, I could kill you, buddy.
I'm a pitbull, don't you read the papers?
What the hell?
That's...
I got a wiener dog.
Wiener dog can't rip your throat out, you know?
Unless you're lying down, you know?
Lying down, sleeping.
Maybe then the wiener dog can sneak up and start nibbling at your throat.
I don't know.
Maybe by daybreak, he's got a hold of a vein.
He's pulling out a vein, eh?
Wake up, you go, ah, get away from me, you wiener dog!
What do you think you are, a pitbull or something?
My vein bag, eh?
I'll give you a hickey.
I'll give you a hickey.
That's the worst of a wiener dog.
You ever get a present for your dog?
My grandmother sent my dog a sweater.
What a waste of wool that is there, Wes.
Sweater for a dog.
I don't want to put it on a dog.
It just humiliates the dog, you know?
What happens if the dog gets lost?
He's wearing a sweater.
How long is he going to survive any alleyways with Anna, you know?
Them's mean streets if you're a wiener dog in a cardigan, you know?
You guys have been great.
Thanks a lot.
Enjoy the rest of the day.