Name: Norm Macdonald TV Stand Up - 1990
Uploaded: 2021-12-27T00:25:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald TV Stand Up - 1990' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald TV Stand Up - 1990' from bubbyberry on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-27. Transcript available.

Norm MacDonald.
Oh, thanks. How are you guys doing? All right?
The weirdest show I've ever seen, "The Dating Game"?
That's a weirdest show.
The prize on "The Dating Game", another contestant.
Talk about cheap, you know, they chuck you somebody else.
And they always do the same thing on "The Dating Game".
They get a beautiful girl, match her up with three big geeks.
You know?
Last week they had a guy, almost like a crazy guy,
a tiny bin, psycho, wingnut, crazy guy.
You can tell by the way they introduce him, you know?
They go, "Bachelor number two is a shadowy lurking character.
From no fixed address, please welcome."
Guy comes shambling into the studio,
well-thumbed copy of Catcher in the Rye,
sticking out of his back pocket area.
And then, they made the girls ask those questions.
They always be laced with sexual innuendo, you know?
Girl gotta go, "Bachelor number two, if I were a popsicle..."
"What would you do to me then?"
"That's what it says in the card here, something but a popsicle."
And then the guy goes, "Well, if you were a popsicle, huh?"
"Well, first of all, I guess I'd take your wrapper off."
"If you know what I mean."
"If you know what I mean."
"Then I'd grab ahold of your sticks."
"If you know what I mean."
"Then I'd press you against the counter to your broken two."
"But, put half you in the freezer till later."
"If you know what I mean."
"If you understand what I'm getting at there."
"What a crazy guy that turned out to be."
"Ah, but everything's expensive, isn't it?"
"Oh man, I wanted to buy this dog."
"You should've seen this dog."
"This guy wanted to sell me a dog in the store."
"It was $600, this dog."
"Can you believe it?"
"$600 for a dog?"
"Oh man, I was looking to pay, you know, a buck."
"I just wanted a bargain dog, a nice discount dog."
"A cheap, off-the-rack kind of dog."
"Any kind of..."
"Show me to your bin of dogs, my good man."
I said to the guy.
"But this guy, no."
"Why don't you buy this dog?"
"It's $600, this dog."
"But this dog is a pit bull."
"This dog will protect your valuables."
And I don't even have anything very valuable, you know.
"If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I have."
"I'd have to buy something to protect it then, you know."
"Be out shopping for wolverines the next day there."
"Show me something in a timber wolf if you could."
"No, you don't want a dog like that."
"I want a dog, do things for me, you know."
"Fetch my slippers and things like that."
"Pit bull won't do that."
"Hey, pit bull, fetch my slippers."
"You know what pit bull go?"
"I could kill you, pal."
"I'm a pit bull, don't you read the papers or anything?"
"I don't fetch slippers, I fetch people."
"That's all right."
"I could fetch you a guy, that's the best I could do."
"Maybe be wearing some slippers."
"How about bump a guy off around bedtime?"
"How about that?"
"You go, all right then, fair enough."
"Boy, those dogs will kill you fast too, man."
"Just they rip your throat out."
"That's what pit bull does."
"Rips your throat out and you die."
"You die before he hits you."
"Dog being venerator, you go, I think I'll have a heart attack."
"When I was a kid it was a Doberman, that was a mean dog when I was a kid."
"And they'd rip your throat out too, but they'd give you a little, you know,
head start."
"Dobermans see you on the street."
"Is that your house over there?"
"Go ahead."
"So you don't even see Dobermans around anymore, you know?"
"Cause pit bulls have all the work now, they're the big dog."
"Dobermans, once in a while you see them on a street corner, you know?"
"It's sad, on a park bench with a frisbee."
"I used to be somebody, hey."
"I'm a Doberman, hey."
"Got a buck?"
"Buck for the Doberman here."
"Yeah, I don't get those crazy killer dogs."
"When I buy a dog, I always try to buy a dog that, you know, if he goes berserk,
I can take him."
"I like to be able to beat up my dog if I have to."
"I got a wiener dog, you know, I got one of those."
"A wiener dog can't rip your throat out, you know?"
"Unless you're lying down, you know, that'd be about the only way."
"You'd have to be lying down sleeping and the wiener dog sneak up late at night,
start nibbling out your throat there."
"Everybody daybreak's got a hold of a vein, he's pulling out a vein there, you
know?"
"Oh, get away from me, a wiener dog!"
"What the hell, you think you have a pit bull there or something?"
"You're my vein back there, that's my vein you got there."
"Where's the wiener dog giving maybe a hickey?"
"That's about all you got to say."
"That's embarrassing too, you have a hickey, people see you on the street and
go, 'Hey, you got a wiener dog over there, huh?"
"Okay, listen, that's the end, the end of my jokes, but thanks a lot, you've
been great."
"Thank you very much."
"Thank you very much."
"Thank you very much."
"Thank you very much."