Name: A Great Weekend With Nia and Doing Shows - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2021-07-16T03:37:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'A Great Weekend With Nia and Doing Shows - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'A Great Weekend With Nia and Doing Shows - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-16. Transcript available.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday!
Um, oh, what the fuck? I thought it was March 30th, March 29th. Jesus Christ!
This month's never gonna end. I'm telling you right now, every year you're just
like,
oh my God, the year is flying by. I know I've said this a million times, but I
cannot stress
enough how slow a month will go by if you're not partying at all. If you're
straight edge,
if you're just sober. Sober just slows it down, you know? You go from watching
full court fast
break basketball to a pitcher's duel. Actually, a pitcher's duel kind of goes
quicker, doesn't it?
The strike, well, unless they're mowing people down. I don't know what it is.
All I know is it's
taken a long time. All right? And, uh, I almost, almost smoked a cigar
yesterday. My wife gave me
the green light. We were hanging out, right? We're having a good time, and weed
is legal out here, man!
So my wife went into a store and bought herself a doobie, man. And, um, she's
like, isn't your cigar
bar across the street? Isn't there a cigar bar? I was like, why, yes, there is.
She goes, why don't
you meet me over there? So I say, okay. So I go in there and I start browsing.
Oh, and
I'm smelling the smells, right? And there's, and there's all these fucking guys,
not a lot
of guys, but there's people in there smoking cigars and they're cigar smokers.
So they're
cool. They're not talking. They're just smoking their cigars, just fucking
chilling, watching
a game, right? Cigar bars, right? It's, it's where adults go until the broads
show up and
then it gets fucking late. And second they show up, you know, becomes another
thing, you
know, unless they're cool, which, you know, in fairness to the broads, like
there's very
few cool guys. And I'm going to say that I'm a cool guy, the way that all of
these white
people are just saying that they're woke because they said so. Okay. If you can
say you're woke,
then I can say I'm cool. If that's how the game's played. If I, if I am,
whatever you say
that, Oh, whatever I say I am, I'm going to re I'm do a remix of the, the, the
M&M song.
Um, so I go in there and I start browsing. Right. And then the owner comes in.
Hey, I've been
seeing you here in a while. I'm like, Hey, you know, I kind of been laying it
off. He's
like, Hey, I got a great cigar for you to come back to. And I was like, Hey,
why don't you
show me what it is? Cause I was looking at one of those little, uh, one of the
nubs
there. My, my favorite little fucking afternoon one there, the little
Connecticut nub, right?
She goes, I got something for you. I got some, this, this, see this cigar it is.
It's a cigar
you want, blah, blah, blah. And I'm holding my hand, smelling it. Ah, it's
right there. Right.
Fucking paying for the crack. Right. Whatever the heroin I'm tying off my
fucking, I'm getting
into it. And then I'm just like, you know what? No, I can't do this. I only got
a couple
more days. I said I was going to fucking do it. I'm going to fucking do it. And,
um, I just
left. I just, I, you know, I did, I got a soda or a pop if you're from the
Midwest. And
I, um, I went into, uh, and I just, he let me sit. I've spent enough fucking
money in
there. He let me hang and drink a fucking Coke. Then my wife came over. You
know what I mean?
She took a couple of puffs. Yeah. We were hanging. We just had like the best
day. I was driving my
old truck, which I just got fixed. You know, I had a problem with the, uh, um,
the steering,
uh, power steering or whatever the, the, the, the, the, the steering assembly.
Uh, it's been
leaking forever and sort of fixed it. You know, those old fucking trucks, there's
always something
leaking, but I was driving around and there was a guy, actually my wife
Instagrammed it. There was
this guy in front of us had like, I think a Lamborghini and the license plate
said you're
weak, which I thought was funny. I mean, you know, are you really being
arrogant? I mean,
you got to fucking Lamborghini. You got to talk a little shit, right? And then
he had like the
aluminum foil wrap on it on the outside where, you know, if you stand at this
angle, it's gold.
If you're at that angle, it's silver and he's cranking the stereo. It's fucking
hilarious.
He's in like stop and go traffic, just going, wham, wham, wham, wham, wham, wham,
wham, wham,
fucking hilarious. And you know, of course I was fucking laughing, just going,
oh my God, look at
me. Acknowledge that I'm here. Right? So I was a couple of cars behind and, uh,
I actually saw this
older guy was there. He said, you know what? I'd rather have that old truck
than the fucking
Lamborghini. That made me feel good. Right. It was just, we just had a great
day. Then we went out,
we got lunch. I had a great day hanging with my wife. Um, and I didn't fuck up.
I've kind of,
you know, I was doing well with the food. I tried to go like plant-based and I,
last weekend I made a
fucking chocolate malt. And I'm telling you, the food's a drug. I fucking went
back to the crack pipe.
And then this week I was just like, yeah, you know, I lost a good six pounds.
And you know what?
I think I put them all back on. I didn't have the fucking courage to back, get
back on the scale,
you know, but I did a show last night. Somebody took a picture and I saw my
belly was pushing out,
you know, you know what the worst thing, even the second you get just a little
bit of a gut,
it makes you, it makes your pecs look like man tits. You just can't have your
stomach pushing your
t-shirt out. If that's happening, then you got to upgrade to the button down.
And if it's still
happening, then you got to get a sweater and it just, it never fucking ends.
You just got to keep
adding layers, you know? So whatever, I'm, I'm, I'm starting from a better
place than I did the last
time. It's just, I can't fucking lose weight unless I'm doing cardio, whatever
that guy on YouTube,
you know, cardio burns fat, right? No, whatever the fuck he's talking about. I
don't know.
Maybe I'm, I'm an alien, but it works for me. It works. It works for me.
Remember Bobby and Whitney?
Um, I, uh, yeah, I got to get an elliptical in my life or something like that.
Or cause even when
I just walk up the hills out here, there are plenty of parks and shit and do
the stairs.
It's, you just don't burn as much, um, calories. I don't think unless you're on
like a fucking
elliptical because it's essentially I'm running without pounding my feet, my
knees, you know,
I'm just wearing out my hips. So anyway, I just had a fucking awesome weekend.
You know,
I did a couple of really fun shows. I worked three nights in a row. You know, I
did a show
Friday night at, uh, Supernova is what they call it. I did a show there and
then I did my, um,
what the hell was the show? I did. Oh, I did my Australia, New Zealand show. I
had a fucking great
time doing that. And I got to work with Al Delbeni who I started off with, who
was the funniest I've
ever seen him. So I can't imagine how funny he is in front of an actual like
live crowd because you
know, there is sort of like that delay as you're doing it just a little bit,
but like, he was so
goddamn funny and he had this bit about, uh, speaking of hip replacements, he
got a hip replacement and
they gave him some pills and it caused him to fall off the wagon. And it's the
best shit I've ever seen
him do. And I've known him for almost 30 years and it was, uh, it was so good.
We got to talk via the
zoom thing right before we got caught up a little bit. I just missed that guy.
I fucking love him to
death, man. So if you're down under and Al Delbeni is performing anywhere, go
see that guy. Absolutely
fucking hilarious. He's a good cunt or whatever the fuck you say down there. Um,
thank you to people,
New Zealand who also showed up. Um, it was cool seeing you guys hanging out in
your living rooms and
all that type of shit, seeing what you were laughing about, what you weren't. I
will admit towards the
end, I thought I was kind of bombing, but what happens is, is when people are
too loud next to
their microphones, they start to mute people. So in the end, I thought I was
like bombing,
but then I got all these texts saying, no man, you killed, you killed. So I was
relieved that it
went well. And somebody had a dog that was like barking or something in the
other room. So they
couldn't figure out who it was and they never quite got to him. So, um, but it
wasn't barking
nonstop, but it was still, uh, it was a lot of fun. Yeah. So, um, anyways, my
truck's fixed
and, you know, I had to talk my wife into riding and she bounces around too
much. I like, it's
like, come on, man. It's the weekend. Get to take my fucking good looking woman
out. You
know, this is, this is what it is. Come on. Let's, she's like, all right, all
right. I had
a great time. You know, it was cool. We pulled up to the restaurant and you
know, my truck shifts
three on the tree. So I was like, you know how to drive, like, you know, shift
on the column.
He goes, I do, but why don't you just back it up right here? And just, and he
gave me that
little thing, you know, that little, you know, way they don't valet it. They
let you leave
it in front of it. That little extra fucking, you know, thing made me feel cool.
And I got
out and of course I quote good fellas, right? I walked by, you know, my wife's
like, they're
going to let you leave it right there. I said, yeah. And I looked at it and I
go, it was
out of respect. So of course she rolls her eyes. Oh God. It goes in. She liked
it. She
liked, she liked that. I got a fuck. I like to think she did. Um, anyways, isn't
that what
every toxic fucking person says? Isn't that their catchphrase? She liked it.
Sorry. Um,
plowing ahead here. So, um, and then lastly, I finally got all of these
pictures that I had.
I finally just got somebody to come over here, put them up and, uh, and then
put my TV where
it needed to be so I could get my stereo. I bought a hi-fi man. And my speakers
are on
either side of the table underneath the stereo. I'm so fucking psyched. And you
know, it kills
me. I've been waiting to do that for like two years, not two years. Cause I got
the stereo
last year, but like, I knew it was fucked up with the second I got in here. And
I just,
for some reason I just kept thinking out, fuck, they're going to come in here.
This is going to
take forever. These guys were done in like under two hours. And, um, I finally,
you know,
I got this cool picture of me and Patrice. I got one of me and DeRosa. And then
I got this big
space on my wall and I got a, there's a good photographer out here and I'm
going to get one
a me, Verzi and Bartnick next time we do a show or whatever, smoking cigars or
some shit.
I'm going to get a cool black and white one. And then I got to get one of
myself and my wife
and then one of me with the whole family. And then I'm good. You know, I got my
parents over
in the corner. It's fucking, the whole thing came together. Just had a great
weekend, right?
And just when the weekend couldn't get, Oh, and then I had another show call
them old Billy shows
this weekend. I did, uh, I did a show at the Rose bowl, not in the Rose bowl.
We were at the Rose bowl.
So we were in the lawn. As my dad says, the lawn. Christ, did you mow the
fucking lawn? Well, why not?
Well, it's just like your studies. You're fucking off. Oh Christ. You're just
like your mother. Um,
we were on like, we had like the lawn, like, uh, area on, on the side where you
could actually see
where it says the Rose bowl. And it was nice enough that they lit it up for us.
Um, and you know,
I hadn't been out there since the Rose bowl in 2020, January before all this
bullshit happened.
And, uh, it was cool to be there sober the first time possibly ever. And, uh, I
was backstage and
stuff and there was, uh, you know, there was some stuff, you know, I could have
partaked in and I
didn't, didn't have any booze, didn't have any weed, you know, you can micro
dose these. And I was just
like, no, no, no, no. You know, I started to feel like I was an airplane, you
know, when the guy's
trying to walk through the airport and the Hari Christians and everybody's
coming up to him and
he's just throwing them out of the way. Uh, it was really fun. But, uh, the
people that sponsored
it was a really, I wish I knew the name of a really cool, uh, weed company or
whatever.
And I guess they got the best vaporizer ever out there. So I got that for my
wife. Um, but it felt
good. And they said, you want some, you want some weed? And I said, no, I don't
smoke weed. It felt
good to say that all of that shit. No, I don't drink. So I think I'm going to
try to do this
again next month. Now here's the thing. I am not done forever with booze, maybe
booze. I don't know,
but any of this shit, but like, I am done using it the way I was using it,
where I was using it as,
uh, a way to numb pain. It's like, all right, I need to figure out what I'm
upset about and I need
to fucking address it. It with an unaltered mind, figure out what it is,
forgive whatever the hell
it is I did or whatever somebody did to me just, and let the shit go and then
come back strong and
start partying for the right reasons. That's, that's what I'm going to do. So
anyway, I watch, um,
I watched, uh, you know, racing. Oh, let me talk about, I didn't even talk
about the,
the Rose Bowl show. So it was like 700 people in cars. Um, and the crowd was
fucking amazing,
even though you couldn't hear 90% of them. Fortunately, there was some people
with pickup
trucks and people who were sitting outside and they were laughing. They were
kind of down front
so I could sort of play off of them. But, uh, I am not going to lie to you,
dude. It was, it was,
uh, you know, there were moments where, you know, if I didn't make those two
little
pockets of people laughing, it was just, I felt, I was joking. I felt like I
was in a sci-fi movie
and I was pleading for my life in front of this unsympathetic board of, of
whatever they were
that I couldn't quite see. Um, but it was a real fun show. David Spade was out
there. Jeff Ross,
uh, some younger, newer, younger comics that I met. Um, this one guy, a former
Marine
coming up, his last name was Simpson. I forget his first name, but, uh, just
met a really,
a lot of cool people out there. Um, Adam Egott was there. Uh, all of the shores,
Pauly, Peter and Scott were all there. It was fucking, it was great. Everybody
got, you know,
tested rapid tested. So you could fucking hang out. I still wore the mask, you
know?
So, but, uh, I went up there at a great time and then I got to bring up one of
my favorite
comics of all time, Ian Edwards, who has an amazing special called Ian talk.
And, uh,
it was great. I had a great fucking time. Great goddamn weekend.

A Great Weekend With Nia and Doing Shows - Bill Burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday!
Um, oh, what the fuck? I thought it was March 30th, March 29th. Jesus Christ!
This month's never gonna end. I'm telling you right now, every year you're just
like,
oh my God, the year is flying by. I know I've said this a million times, but I
cannot stress
enough how slow a month will go by if you're not partying at all. If you're
straight edge,
if you're just sober. Sober just slows it down, you know? You go from watching
full court fast
break basketball to a pitcher's duel. Actually, a pitcher's duel kind of goes
quicker, doesn't it?
The strike, well, unless they're mowing people down. I don't know what it is.
All I know is it's
taken a long time. All right? And, uh, I almost, almost smoked a cigar
yesterday. My wife gave me
the green light. We were hanging out, right? We're having a good time, and weed
is legal out here, man!
So my wife went into a store and bought herself a doobie, man. And, um, she's
like, isn't your cigar
bar across the street? Isn't there a cigar bar? I was like, why, yes, there is.
She goes, why don't
you meet me over there? So I say, okay. So I go in there and I start browsing.
Oh, and
I'm smelling the smells, right? And there's, and there's all these fucking guys,
not a lot
of guys, but there's people in there smoking cigars and they're cigar smokers.
So they're
cool. They're not talking. They're just smoking their cigars, just fucking
chilling, watching
a game, right? Cigar bars, right? It's, it's where adults go until the broads
show up and
then it gets fucking late. And second they show up, you know, becomes another
thing, you
know, unless they're cool, which, you know, in fairness to the broads, like
there's very
few cool guys. And I'm going to say that I'm a cool guy, the way that all of
these white
people are just saying that they're woke because they said so. Okay. If you can
say you're woke,
then I can say I'm cool. If that's how the game's played. If I, if I am,
whatever you say
that, Oh, whatever I say I am, I'm going to re I'm do a remix of the, the, the
M&M song.
Um, so I go in there and I start browsing. Right. And then the owner comes in.
Hey, I've been
seeing you here in a while. I'm like, Hey, you know, I kind of been laying it
off. He's
like, Hey, I got a great cigar for you to come back to. And I was like, Hey,
why don't you
show me what it is? Cause I was looking at one of those little, uh, one of the
nubs
there. My, my favorite little fucking afternoon one there, the little
Connecticut nub, right?
She goes, I got something for you. I got some, this, this, see this cigar it is.
It's a cigar
you want, blah, blah, blah. And I'm holding my hand, smelling it. Ah, it's
right there. Right.
Fucking paying for the crack. Right. Whatever the heroin I'm tying off my
fucking, I'm getting
into it. And then I'm just like, you know what? No, I can't do this. I only got
a couple
more days. I said I was going to fucking do it. I'm going to fucking do it. And,
um, I just
left. I just, I, you know, I did, I got a soda or a pop if you're from the
Midwest. And
I, um, I went into, uh, and I just, he let me sit. I've spent enough fucking
money in
there. He let me hang and drink a fucking Coke. Then my wife came over. You
know what I mean?
She took a couple of puffs. Yeah. We were hanging. We just had like the best
day. I was driving my
old truck, which I just got fixed. You know, I had a problem with the, uh, um,
the steering,
uh, power steering or whatever the, the, the, the, the, the steering assembly.
Uh, it's been
leaking forever and sort of fixed it. You know, those old fucking trucks, there's
always something
leaking, but I was driving around and there was a guy, actually my wife
Instagrammed it. There was
this guy in front of us had like, I think a Lamborghini and the license plate
said you're
weak, which I thought was funny. I mean, you know, are you really being
arrogant? I mean,
you got to fucking Lamborghini. You got to talk a little shit, right? And then
he had like the
aluminum foil wrap on it on the outside where, you know, if you stand at this
angle, it's gold.
If you're at that angle, it's silver and he's cranking the stereo. It's fucking
hilarious.
He's in like stop and go traffic, just going, wham, wham, wham, wham, wham, wham,
wham, wham,
fucking hilarious. And you know, of course I was fucking laughing, just going,
oh my God, look at
me. Acknowledge that I'm here. Right? So I was a couple of cars behind and, uh,
I actually saw this
older guy was there. He said, you know what? I'd rather have that old truck
than the fucking
Lamborghini. That made me feel good. Right. It was just, we just had a great
day. Then we went out,
we got lunch. I had a great day hanging with my wife. Um, and I didn't fuck up.
I've kind of,
you know, I was doing well with the food. I tried to go like plant-based and I,
last weekend I made a
fucking chocolate malt. And I'm telling you, the food's a drug. I fucking went
back to the crack pipe.
And then this week I was just like, yeah, you know, I lost a good six pounds.
And you know what?
I think I put them all back on. I didn't have the fucking courage to back, get
back on the scale,
you know, but I did a show last night. Somebody took a picture and I saw my
belly was pushing out,
you know, you know what the worst thing, even the second you get just a little
bit of a gut,
it makes you, it makes your pecs look like man tits. You just can't have your
stomach pushing your
t-shirt out. If that's happening, then you got to upgrade to the button down.
And if it's still
happening, then you got to get a sweater and it just, it never fucking ends.
You just got to keep
adding layers, you know? So whatever, I'm, I'm, I'm starting from a better
place than I did the last
time. It's just, I can't fucking lose weight unless I'm doing cardio, whatever
that guy on YouTube,
you know, cardio burns fat, right? No, whatever the fuck he's talking about. I
don't know.
Maybe I'm, I'm an alien, but it works for me. It works. It works for me.
Remember Bobby and Whitney?
Um, I, uh, yeah, I got to get an elliptical in my life or something like that.
Or cause even when
I just walk up the hills out here, there are plenty of parks and shit and do
the stairs.
It's, you just don't burn as much, um, calories. I don't think unless you're on
like a fucking
elliptical because it's essentially I'm running without pounding my feet, my
knees, you know,
I'm just wearing out my hips. So anyway, I just had a fucking awesome weekend.
You know,
I did a couple of really fun shows. I worked three nights in a row. You know, I
did a show
Friday night at, uh, Supernova is what they call it. I did a show there and
then I did my, um,
what the hell was the show? I did. Oh, I did my Australia, New Zealand show. I
had a fucking great
time doing that. And I got to work with Al Delbeni who I started off with, who
was the funniest I've
ever seen him. So I can't imagine how funny he is in front of an actual like
live crowd because you
know, there is sort of like that delay as you're doing it just a little bit,
but like, he was so
goddamn funny and he had this bit about, uh, speaking of hip replacements, he
got a hip replacement and
they gave him some pills and it caused him to fall off the wagon. And it's the
best shit I've ever seen
him do. And I've known him for almost 30 years and it was, uh, it was so good.
We got to talk via the
zoom thing right before we got caught up a little bit. I just missed that guy.
I fucking love him to
death, man. So if you're down under and Al Delbeni is performing anywhere, go
see that guy. Absolutely
fucking hilarious. He's a good cunt or whatever the fuck you say down there. Um,
thank you to people,
New Zealand who also showed up. Um, it was cool seeing you guys hanging out in
your living rooms and
all that type of shit, seeing what you were laughing about, what you weren't. I
will admit towards the
end, I thought I was kind of bombing, but what happens is, is when people are
too loud next to
their microphones, they start to mute people. So in the end, I thought I was
like bombing,
but then I got all these texts saying, no man, you killed, you killed. So I was
relieved that it
went well. And somebody had a dog that was like barking or something in the
other room. So they
couldn't figure out who it was and they never quite got to him. So, um, but it
wasn't barking
nonstop, but it was still, uh, it was a lot of fun. Yeah. So, um, anyways, my
truck's fixed
and, you know, I had to talk my wife into riding and she bounces around too
much. I like, it's
like, come on, man. It's the weekend. Get to take my fucking good looking woman
out. You
know, this is, this is what it is. Come on. Let's, she's like, all right, all
right. I had
a great time. You know, it was cool. We pulled up to the restaurant and you
know, my truck shifts
three on the tree. So I was like, you know how to drive, like, you know, shift
on the column.
He goes, I do, but why don't you just back it up right here? And just, and he
gave me that
little thing, you know, that little, you know, way they don't valet it. They
let you leave
it in front of it. That little extra fucking, you know, thing made me feel cool.
And I got
out and of course I quote good fellas, right? I walked by, you know, my wife's
like, they're
going to let you leave it right there. I said, yeah. And I looked at it and I
go, it was
out of respect. So of course she rolls her eyes. Oh God. It goes in. She liked
it. She
liked, she liked that. I got a fuck. I like to think she did. Um, anyways, isn't
that what
every toxic fucking person says? Isn't that their catchphrase? She liked it.
Sorry. Um,
plowing ahead here. So, um, and then lastly, I finally got all of these
pictures that I had.
I finally just got somebody to come over here, put them up and, uh, and then
put my TV where
it needed to be so I could get my stereo. I bought a hi-fi man. And my speakers
are on
either side of the table underneath the stereo. I'm so fucking psyched. And you
know, it kills
me. I've been waiting to do that for like two years, not two years. Cause I got
the stereo
last year, but like, I knew it was fucked up with the second I got in here. And
I just,
for some reason I just kept thinking out, fuck, they're going to come in here.
This is going to
take forever. These guys were done in like under two hours. And, um, I finally,
you know,
I got this cool picture of me and Patrice. I got one of me and DeRosa. And then
I got this big
space on my wall and I got a, there's a good photographer out here and I'm
going to get one
a me, Verzi and Bartnick next time we do a show or whatever, smoking cigars or
some shit.
I'm going to get a cool black and white one. And then I got to get one of
myself and my wife
and then one of me with the whole family. And then I'm good. You know, I got my
parents over
in the corner. It's fucking, the whole thing came together. Just had a great
weekend, right?
And just when the weekend couldn't get, Oh, and then I had another show call
them old Billy shows
this weekend. I did, uh, I did a show at the Rose bowl, not in the Rose bowl.
We were at the Rose bowl.
So we were in the lawn. As my dad says, the lawn. Christ, did you mow the
fucking lawn? Well, why not?
Well, it's just like your studies. You're fucking off. Oh Christ. You're just
like your mother. Um,
we were on like, we had like the lawn, like, uh, area on, on the side where you
could actually see
where it says the Rose bowl. And it was nice enough that they lit it up for us.
Um, and you know,
I hadn't been out there since the Rose bowl in 2020, January before all this
bullshit happened.
And, uh, it was cool to be there sober the first time possibly ever. And, uh, I
was backstage and
stuff and there was, uh, you know, there was some stuff, you know, I could have
partaked in and I
didn't, didn't have any booze, didn't have any weed, you know, you can micro
d