Name: Mandolin Cut - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2021-07-21T07:39:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Mandolin Cut - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-21. Transcript available. Bill Burr looks up images of Mandolin cuts.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Mandolin Cut - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-21. Transcript available. Bill Burr looks up images of Mandolin cuts.

so my big thing this week what i did for myself was i ordered some shit for the
kitchen because
i love cooking right and i think one of the great inventions of last century
was the rubber spatula
i don't know you guys like me i fucking love a rubber spatula it's just the
things like so much
stuff always ends up having a sauce or something like that and just nothing
gets it out of the bowl
and into the pan or out of the pan and onto your plate like a fucking rubber
spatula there's just
the shit so i bought this little three-pack thing and um because all we had we
had the one but it was
gigantic and it couldn't get into jars and shit like that and it bothered me so
i bought these these
you know small one a medium-sized one and then one that was like sort of
regular size with like a scoop
i've been using the hell out of those things and i've been making a bunch of
vegetarian shit so i've
been cutting up all these uh vegetables and shit and uh you know which takes a
long fucking time so
i was like all right you know what i'm gonna get i need to get one of those
vegetable slices that i see
it's called a mandolin which i thought was like a guitar used in like when
whenever like zeppelin
would sing like their dungeons and dragon shit like john paul jones would
always break out the mandolin
right but it's also a vegetable slicer so i get this thing it has all these
attachments
i did the research i figured out i think i told you guys i was so excited to
get this thing right
so i get it right and uh you know i got some radishes and some carrots so i
just you know i read
the whole fucking manual which i never do and i just i was like okay so i know
what each one of
these even though i don't know what julian whatever cuts these are but i just
want to know what all of
this shit is and i'm reading all of this shit and uh you know so i cut up some
radishes i cut up the
carrots squeeze some lemon on them it's fucking delicious nice quick little
snack you know
gives you energy you're not gonna be a fat fuck i'm loving this thing but the
radish has got all this
red shit on it stuff so i i'm rinsing it off in the uh in the sink and then i
just feel
and my fucking finger really deep and i ran in the thing watch out the blade is
super sharp
oh my god you guys i gotta tell you something man i was just like it was one of
those one of those
pain it like just takes your breath away i did it i just went like oh fuck
fucking
fucking oh no oh fuck oh fuck ah shit doing that thing so i grabbed a paper
towel
and i apply pressure all right i'm doing all this shit i learned you know stop
drop and roll keep it
elevated all of this shit you know are you okay are you okay the choking thing
i'm trying every first
aid thing i know and i'm just sitting there going this does not that felt
deeper than something i'm
going to be able to put a band-aid on all right so i lift the paper towel and
at this point the part
that i cut was stuck to this is gross was stuck to the paper towel and it
lifted up like a toupee that
wasn't glued on right and i was like all right that needs stitches that's good
so so i uh i call up my
my wife and she's awesome she takes me over to urgent care and uh i go over to
urgent care and
just fucking hilarious they're like weighing me and shit i'm like why do you
need to know this
well you never been here before say well who says i'm coming back
you you're already shut down my insurance card now i gotta fucking tell you how
much i weigh i don't
know how much i weigh
fucking cutting vegetables my fingers bleeding because i don't like how much i
weigh i don't need
you to fucking tell me this shit so then i go in there and then how many times
a week do you work
out it's like how many fucking times a week do you work out just suture up my
fucking finger
and let me get out of here right so the nurse gets upset with me and i'm like
all right i'm being
too much of a dick so i answer questions i just say listen i just don't like
this shit because
everybody fucking ends up sharing the information she goes we don't share the
information i go you
don't share the information these people that run the hospital are you going to
tell me that these
are good people and she's like yeah exactly she's like how many times you work
out a week i'll make
three and then i'm like you know what this is going to fuck with my insurance
that doesn't pay for
anything doesn't pay for anything i'll have a higher premium i said you know
what say six and i go no
five sounds more believable she was a hot shit she put it in so she was great i
was just in a
fucking i was disappointed in myself and then uh the doctors came in one doctor
and then one one
that was training and uh yeah you got yourself pretty good they were just
telling me all they said they
got something over there they call it avocado hand and i go what's that he said
well you know people
they cut an avocado in half and then they want to get the seed out and they
take a nice whack at it
with the knife and they either miss it completely or it glances off the side
and then wax down under
their hand and they got the mark of a squealer on the palm of their hand and
they got to get that
stitched up it's just like i go i always do that and the dude was just like don't
ever do that and i go
i'm never doing that again so um here's a question i have for people out there
uh have you ever been
stabbed or have you ever been shot and have you ever or have you ever had both
of those things happen to
you which one hurts more um because i gotta tell you the uh there is something
really creepy
about i know this is just block your ears if you're queasy just slicing into
your body
there's you know there's paper cuts there's cutting yourself shaving but then
there's going
deep enough where it's just like i cannot stop this bleeding
then there's that right um i was just out of curiosity
because when you get shot it hurts so bad you can't even feel it you just go
into shock
or you know or does it hurt even more does it feel like that literally you got
hit by a cannon i have
no fucking idea but um yeah so that's what happened to me so i got this fucking
mandolin now now i'm afraid
for anybody in the family to even use it but uh now now i'm good um i think i'm
gonna buy some of
those old lady like rubber gloves when i wash it and then just rinse it off and
make sure i never go
anywhere near the blade and i have gloves on because i don't want to i don't
want to uh
do this again but um the doctors were great they stitched me right up and
whatever fucking um
whatever whatever they used to numb me up with i mean they stitch it up around
5 30 i was done
and i woke up at 2 in the morning and my finger was still numb and then i got
nervous going oh
did they put the bandage on too tight and they cut off the blood supply and my
fingers dying i started freaking out
so like 2 in the morning i get up with my big stupid fred flintstone bandage on
my finger
my finger and i go into the bathroom and i took my nose hair clippers and i
just cut up the side
just to relieve it and then uh i went back to bed just to have it be a little
more loose right
and then i went back to bed at like you know whatever that probably took me
like five minutes
to do that and i woke up at like i think somewhere between four and five and my
finger was killing me
it was throbbing and all that and i actually smiled i was like okay good good i
didn't kill my finger
it's getting a blood good it should hurt it should hurt i look like i was
cutting the cap off a cigar
um so uh anyway i'm sure you guys all have some let's let's i usually don't get
into gross
like this but i'm sure people out there have mandolin oh my god i'm gonna look
it up right now
mandolin injuries do you dare here we go mandolin
i'm probably not even spelling it right injuries me john paul jones with a
broken nail
okay images images
oh whoa my god oh my god she oh my god yeah people oh jesus
wow dude wow wow i did all right
fuck i did all right i just i i went halfway i went halfway these people cut
their
fucking tips of their fingers and thumbs off jesus christ oh my god i literally
just closed my
my fucking laptop um let's get into something a little more nice less less
fucking gross