Name: Girlfriend Is Too Religious - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2021-08-02T04:42:46.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Girlfriend Is Too Religious - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-02. Transcript available. Bill Burr talks about a listener's girlfriend.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Girlfriend Is Too Religious - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-02. Transcript available. Bill Burr talks about a listener's girlfriend.

Um, all right, girlfriend is too religious.
Hey, Billy Redskin Nutbag, uh, my name is Carl, I'm a 27-year-old guy who is
starting
to become annoyed at my girlfriend's religious behaviors.
Um, it doesn't bother me so much that she is Christian, for I also believe in
God, prayer,
and keeping true to a solid traditional set of moral values.
It's just that her life seems to revolve around Christianity and her church.
Her entire family is extremely Christian, and all her friends are from the
church.
Well, Jesus Christ, you didn't notice this from the beginning?
Was she acting like she wasn't religious?
Um, I mean, the last time she invited me to hang out with them was to a bonfire
at the
church where we were drinking apple juice and listening to Justin Bieber.
Oh, boy.
Well, Justin, I don't know.
Well, doesn't Justin Bieber, I always get him confused.
Justin Timberlake was the first one.
Justin Bieber.
Well, doesn't he sing about banging chicks?
That's kind of weird, isn't it?
I thought he did.
At least when he was younger.
Well, he's old now, but now he's, you know, he's wise beyond his years
considering he made
it when he was like 14, so you age in dog years as a fucking celebrity, I would
think.
Anyway, he goes, don't get me wrong.
I didn't want to date a crazy, a crazy party, a crazy party going wench.
I did want to date a nice morally responsible girl who is fun to be with, just
not with these
powerful Christian undertones.
She even invited me to go to the bar with her friends the Thursday before
Easter.
All right.
She said she told me they were going to honor the Last Supper by eating some
food and by
drinking cocktails.
I looked at her and I was just thinking, are you fucking serious?
I know she has her belief, but is there a good way of telling her to lighten up?
At the very least, not to call me out on little stuff like using the Lord's
name in vain.
That actually pisses me off, especially when she does it around others or give
me these
long disappointed looks when my sense of humor runs over the topic of
Christianity.
Well, okay, I'm going to read the rest of this and then I'll give you my
opinion here.
I like her a lot.
I'm just not sure if I can handle that amount of religious energy for the rest
of my life,
much less have her turn my kids into nutless Christian geeks who go to youth
groups every
other night.
Oh, and how do I convince her that she is an adult?
She drives home at 12 at night because she feels that sleeping over might be
disrespectful
to her parents and unchristian-like, even though she will let me plow her 20
minutes before
mass.
No joke.
Oh, Jesus.
Well, so she's not all bad.
I told her that it is a two-way street that you should respect her parents'
options, but
they should also respect her ability to make her own decisions.
You know why they should?
Because she is almost fucking 30.
Oh.
Please give me your opinion on the situation.
Love you and good luck making another child.
That is if Nia is willing to ever couple with you again.
Look, she needs to be dating one of those people that goes to the bonfire and
is excited to
be there.
All right.
I don't think, it doesn't sound like, I don't know how she started doing the
Christian thing,
but you said you, you know, you like her a lot.
Do you love her?
Do you love her?
You just have to decide, like, like, you don't have to have any of this
conversation with
this woman unless you plan on marrying her.
Um, and if you plan on marrying and then you got to sit down and just say,
listen, if, you
know, I stubbed my toe, I'm going to say, God damn it, or Jesus Christ, I am.
And I don't need a fucking lecture from you.
All right.
You can stop short of saying, I don't think Jesus is coming back.
You can stop short of that.
You don't need to be a jerk.
You can, you know, but like, yeah, she's going to want her kids to be super
fucking religious
like her, I would think.
So I would, I would figure that out, but, um, I, I don't, I don't think it's a
bad thing
that somebody's that fucking religious anymore.
I just don't.
If it works for them and they're not hurting other people, you know, if, you
know, I don't
know, if I was a better person, I would actually go to a church every week just
for the reminder
to not be a complete piece of shit.
I do like that aspect of it.
I don't like the intolerance of it the same way I'm liberal, but I can't listen
to these
extreme liberal people who cancel people for, for, for having a, a, a fucking,
just a thought
that was different than theirs.
So it's, it's like most things, you know, it's a group trying to do this for a
good reason
and then eventually spins out of control.
All right.
You're 27 years old.
You know, maybe you just want, maybe you just get out of this thing.
Okay.
You don't seem, I got to be honest with you.
I don't think you love this person.
I think you've hung around with them long enough that you have feelings for
them, but I don't
think you love them.
At no point did you even say that you like this, love this person.
You just said you like her a lot.
Um, but I really think that, you know, look, she's three years old and then you,
she's,
you know, she's an animal in the rack.
She's banging you and all this type of shit.
Right.
And you're having a good, you're having a good fucking time.
And now you're like, okay, what am I going to do here?
And she's like fucking the 700 club.
And you know, that's not where you're at.
So I, I think I would get out of this if I was, if I just, you know, and take
this all
with a grain of salt, cause I don't know you or what's going on, but just the
way that
was written, I just think, you know, you're having a good time.
You guys are banging and whatever.
But, uh, now when you actually think about taking the next step and getting a
little more
serious with her, you're like, Jesus Christ, my kids are going to be like
fucking
reenacting the last supper and shit.
Instead of listening to ACDC, that's not what the fuck I'm looking for.
You know, if I'm reading this wrong and you actually really care about this
person, you
want to marry him, then you need to sit down and talk to him and just say,
listen, you just
got to lay it out there and just say, listen, I'm going to say whatever I want.
I'm going to make jokes about whatever I want.
And sometimes I'm going to make fun of Christianity and I'm not going to raise
my kids, uh, to be
a bunch of church going sissies.
All right.
You're not turning them into like, they're not, you know, if my kid stubs his
toe and
goes, Oh, what the fuck?
Jesus Christ.
You know, I understand.
Watch the language, but not, you know, that's out of respect for us.
It's not, not out of respect for this guy who said he was coming back and he
never did.
Okay.
So at this point, he's kind of like the absentee father for everybody, isn't he?
Am I crazy?
You don't have to go that far.
You know what I mean?
Um, yeah, I would just say, I would say that.
And it'd make the breakup a lot easier if you just, if you just tell her like,
yeah, listen,
I'm going to have kids, you know, but they're not doing this Jesus shit.
So you can fucking forget that.
You can forget that all fucking day long.
Why can't I plug this fucking thing in?
What the fuck am I doing wrong?
Sorry.
So always don't have any fucking time trying to do 50 things at once.
That's what I would do.
All right.
You're 27 years old, man.
You know, go on, get a 25 year old who never goes to church and have a good
time, baby.
Do whatever the fuck you want, you know, or stick with this one.
But you got to tell her what's up.
If you're going to stick with her, that's it.
All right.
Cause you know what?
She's doing that for you.
She's letting you know what's up.
Marry me, have some Christian kids and stand around a bonfire.
I see fire and I see rain.
I seen sunny days that I thought would never end, but I always thought that I'd
see Jesus
once again, you know, switching up the lyrics.
No, I don't know what they do.
I've never been to some shit like that, but I can tell you right now, I would
be like,
are they going to sacrifice a virgin?
Like what the fuck is going on here?
I need to get out of here.
You know, I don't know, but I'm also an asshole.
All right.
That's it.
I'm calling it right now.
The Baylor Bears are going to beat Gonzaga.
They're going to beat them.
I think UCLA showed people how to beat them.
Right.
In the first half, not the second half.
I'd say in the first half.
I didn't even watch the second half.
In the first half, you just fucking slow it down.
They're the Kansas City Chiefs.
Everybody's getting lulled into their game.
Start getting lulled into their game.
I don't know shit.
All right.
That's it.
Go fuck yourselves.
I'll check in on you on Thursday.
I have a huge guest, a huge drummer guest on Thursday.
I'm teasing it.
All right.
Who has a brand new book out that is so fucking educational and amazing.
I'm actually applying the study practices of it to trying to get my instrument
rating on
my pilot license because it's all the same shit.
All right.
No, not all the same shit.
It's just so genius the way he wrote it.
All right.
That's it.
I'll see you guys on Thursday.