Name: Bill vs. 'John', the Indian Guy - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2021-08-08T04:11:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill vs. 'John', the Indian Guy - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill vs. 'John', the Indian Guy - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-08. Transcript available.

um but anyway you know we were on and for some reason the mlb package works in
the house but i
get in the garage here in my office uh it said that i didn't have the package
so i just said
fuck it so i tried to order it and i call up and they're doing the dumb shit
you know where the
automated thing is trying to act like it's a person and you know it isn't and
like hmm hang
on a second and then they have those keyboard sounds and it's always it's the
same keyboard
sound every single time like like who is the fucking corporate douche that made
me made that
that thought that is such not a human being that thinks that that that is a
comforting thing for
me the whole fucking thing is insulting i'm talking to a computer it should
just just make it sound
like a computer hello welcome to direct tv computer system what is your name so
i go
through the whole bullshit the name on it the fucking phone number all of this
fucking shit
and it always the same thing always fucking happens the stupid automated thing
can't help me
and then some guy from fucking india comes on the phone and acts like his name
is john
and i always call them by their name a bunch of time hello john how are you yes
hello my name is john
it's not john just say your real fucking name
how racist do you think i am that if you actually tell me what your real name
is
it's gonna sound too ethnic you know what because that probably happened so now
he has to act like his fucking name is john i have to act like that fucking
automated thing was helping me
and we both have to act like we're happy with our lives in this moment the
whole fucking thing is so goddamn phony
so then they get on there who's the fucking thing under i tell him who it's
under
you know do the whole fucking thing i give him the phone number all of that
shit and then they're like
do you know your password no i don't all right for your security purposes let
me ask you a question
and they're like what's your wife's favorite restaurant it's like i don't know
all of them
what's the most expensive restaurant in my general fucking area that one
so i couldn't answer that one
and it's like isn't it enough that i gave you the name and the fucking phone
number
and then he goes well you know just to let you know that
your security is our number one priority over here and it's like
no it isn't john
it isn't john first of all you started this relationship with a lie telling me
your fucking name is john
and do you know john while i was waiting to talk to you the recording said
that if if i order this sports package it's going to automatically renew every
year
and if i want to cancel it i have to cancel it before the season starts
and you're saying that my that your number one priority is my is my security
isn't money is the number one security
no it's the number one it's your number one what the fuck am i saying it is
your number one priority
because you know a lot of people are going to sleep on it
and the fucking the the the season's going to start
and then they're going to call up to cancel
and then you have the loophole to say it's too late
and then of course i know i i know the back door
is all i have to then say is like well then fuck it cancel my direct tv
okay we're going to make an exception
don't act like you're doing a favor
i cracked your code i know what it is you're all about the fucking money
so i couldn't answer the restaurant i couldn't answer the thing
i couldn't answer any of these fucking goddamn questions
and i just say to the guy i go all right you know what
i'm old enough to realize this isn't going to get to where i want to be
so just have a nice day
goodbye and i hang up on the guy
and then what does he do after all his yeah yeah bullshit
he fucking calls me right back
like a hot chick that discovered that i no longer give a fuck about her
you know when that happens and then all of a sudden they come up to you
like some stray cat that he gave milk to
he had the fucking balls to call me back
so i didn't even fucking answer it
you know what you know what there's certain things when you're married
you just have to realize like you know what
this is a job for my wife
she's good at this shit right
you need the trash barrels taken out
you need them brought in
they smell like fucking ass and you need them washed out
that's my job right
you got to call up direct tv
and and you need passwords and people's favorite restaurants
that's when you have to go to your wife
and i and i and i fucked up
and you know
all i got out of that phone call
is i hope that in a you know in a world
sometime soon
the guy whatever his name is
is not gonna have to get on the phone
and fucking tell me that his name is john
i used to tease those guys
and i realized like why am i going after them
the people i really want to yell at
is some fucking stuffed shirt
that lives over here
probably has like some fucking offshore accounts
and phony companies that build
from another phony company
that goes all around the fucking islands right
and then comes back to him
and then he doesn't pay taxes
that's the guy i want to fucking yell at
not some poor bastard
that's got to talk to some hothead like me
who's been talking to a computer
that's been pretending to fucking type
then we'll make the typing sound
and then the person on the other end
will be feel like they're talking to a person
you know
i don't know
i always have to put it on mute
and then say what i want to to the robot
because if i call the robot a cunt
it'll be like i'm sorry
i don't understand what you just said
and then you have to start over again
it becomes a big pain in the ass
um
anyway
so
you wouldn't know that i'm actually happier
than i've ever been
i really am
i really am
and i'm getting along great with my wife
and just once a week
we just
we just
go out on a date
we hang out
and we just have the best fucking time
and laugh our asses off
the way we used to
i actually wanted to bring her on the podcast
and i've missed having her on the podcast
because i love when she comes on
and she gives me shit
and all of that
and it's just
we got the kids now
so it's like difficult
because i want to have her on now
but my son is taking a nap
so she has to be watching him
blah blah blah blah blah blah
but
um
a thursday afternoon
i'm gonna have
i literally have to have her come on
as like a special guest now
it's crazy
so
um
but obviously the trade-off
is worth it