Name: All COVID-19 Related Clips Part 1 - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2021-08-15T13:43:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'All COVID-19 Related Clips Part 1 - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'All COVID-19 Related Clips Part 1 - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-15. Transcript available.

all right sorry so that's on my list when this whole pandemic ends when it
fucking ends when we
have the Hatfields and McCoys or the fucking vaccinated and the non-vaccinated
you know I
keep saying to people who don't want to get the vaccine I go so back in the day
when they cured
polio you wouldn't have got that fucking vaccine you just would have walked
around with one leg
bigger than the other one and they're like well no that's back when they did it
right what do you
mean back when they did it right they were doing just as much fucked up shit
they were doing more
fucked up shit back then where the civil rights movement was there's all kinds
of
the fucking cars you drove you hit a tree the whole fucking engine and steering
wheel went into your
chest you squirted out the side like toothpaste but you know people have I like
I only give shit to
white people I don't give shit to black people because the government did give
them syphilis
I don't know why I'm laughing I'm just saying you know I we do not condone
giving a syphilis to
people of color on this podcast all right and with that let's get to the
advertising um all right
fat people bragging dear Billy Zigzag I don't care who gets the vaccine before
me because I'm not
an at-risk person I do however think it's fucking crazy that fat people are bragging
about getting the
vaccine first on social media I keep seeing threads of people pictures of fat
people throwing up peace
signs like they won something these high-risk people were the excuse to shut
down businesses for a year
and they're the first ones to be able to go back and eat at a restaurant and so
you should be a comedian
this is a killer bit and somehow someone will think I'm a dick for complaining
how about a tad bit of
shame for not taking care of yourself yeah and slowing down the herd I I agree
I agree you should turn
that into your first stand-up bit or just for the fuck of it sign up for an
open mic and just do that
and get it off your chest and it's even if you bomb there'll be one person
laughing and then I'm telling
you it'll make your day hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and it is time for
the Monday morning
podcast for Monday April 12th Monday April to a Monday April 12th
sorry I'm yelling
2021
I'm gonna be perfectly honest with you
I am recording this the day before because in a couple of fucking hours
I'm going out I'm making the lamp vibrate over here with my screaming I'm going
I'm getting my second shot of
the Pfizer I'm getting the second shot of the Pfizer now I have found that some
people get a little sick some people get a lot sick and some people don't get
sick at all so what I'm thinking is it's you know how I was raised that all
comes down to what kind of man you are
and I know everybody is different and everybody's brave and everybody's a
fucking star you know
you know unless you're a white guy that's successful then you somehow you know
you must have done something fucking evil
diddled somebody or whatever that's sort of the narrative right now you know
not defending white guys but also not vilifying all of them you know kind of
being an adult and you know treating everybody like an individual like these
fucking crazy lefties act like they do but they don't really
um oh speaking of which oh we'll get to that in a second oh Jesus I almost
forgot that I almost forgot what I was going to talk about there um
so uh
anyway I think that you know I'm just I'm hydrating there
I took a little vitamin c pill I'm fucking stone sober I got great sleep last
night you know when you sleep so deep you have like fucked up dreams
it's probably because I had an oreo cookie shake with fucking whipped cream on
top that's like my fucking bourbon and cigars now once a fucking week
I act like some freckled fucking redheaded cunt from the 1950s who just
finished his paper route and I
and I go down to the soda fountain I get myself a shake fuck you it's all I got
left man
it's all I got left um but I love it I love being stone fucking sober until
about oh 7 30 at night and
then just those last five fucking hours of the night or uh not five hours like
four or whatever it's not even
that my kids wear me out so I'm I'm usually asleep by 11 so if I can just you
know the last four and a half
oh that's still four and a half hours huh yeah shit if I can just get through
that right I'm usually good
so anyway I'm I'm going to uh drinking a bunch of water here just gonna be
hydrated and everything
I did go on a fucking big hike yesterday like a fucking idiot because um with
therapy I'm oh jesus
he's dropping stuff here I've learned that I I work too hard uh not that I work
too hard I'm working
because of shit I was fucking avoiding so I'm trying to face that shit so I've
now decided that I'm gonna
have one day a week right one day a week where I just don't do shit I got one
day where I'm not
fucking doing shit you know just like the lord right he made the earth in six
days which is why
it's so fucked up because he kind of rushed the job you know like he already
had something else to do
guy created the whole fucking universe in six fucking goddamn days puts his
feet up on the seventh day
oh did you notice the pedophiles oh yeah sorry about that you know whatever
deal with it um
anyways uh yeah so what I'm finding is when I don't have anything to do I will
still fill the day up
oh I don't have anything to do I'm gonna play drums I'm gonna go on a hike I'm
like a lunatic
so I did do that yesterday and uh I just went on a hike I didn't stretch or
anything I just
fucking went out and I woke up today feeling like fucking Earl Campbell after
he played the Steelers
so I had to take an Epsom salt bath just going on a hike that's just you know
it's how old I am now
it's just what it is it is hey it is what it is so um then I was like you
fucking idiot you're getting
the second vaccine shot and you're you're already putting this pressure on
yourself that if you get
sick you're not a man so um I've just been drinking water and uh you know
whatever we'll see what
happens so but I think it's a combination of everything it's also how you you
know just how
it affects you and your DNA bullshit uh but then I also think I would say that
that's probably 30 percent
of it and the other 70 percent is basically how much of a fucking pussy you are
you know there's some
people they get a cold and they just sort of shake it off and continue their
life and then there's other
people that are you know actually smart they they kind of shut things down and
rest up you know if
you're doing that that's smart but if you're the person who acts like you now
have Ebola you know
those people they just get a fucking cold and they think they need to go to the
doctor I think those
people affect are sort of affecting you know people talking about like that
second vaccine shot
and how they feel because I know somebody who works out like a maniac and is in
really great condition
and she got the Johnson and Johnson you know two for one bing bang boom you're
done and she didn't
get sick um so anyway that's that's what I'm up to uh I did a couple of really
really fun shows I
did a show uh in a parking lot outside of a gym because that's where we're at
as we wait for people the
smart people to go out and get vaccinated or the sheeple as the people uh as
they say on the internet
that listen they don't listen to doctors but they listen to their friend who
googled something on the
internet like the internet is like you know there's no rules of libel or slander
on the internet you can
post whatever you want and say that it's true just know that it's probably not
a good place to go to
get information
um yeah the next thing you know you're dressed like a buffalo and you're
running into the capital
with no shirt on and you're face painted like that's what happens when you go
on the internet
and you if you start googling shit that can that can happen to you
you know and i'm not shitting on that guy that guy came so close to being a
face on our money for the
next 200 fucking years he was right fucking there and then it all fell apart so
you gotta tip your
fucking buffalo hat to him for for having the balls to go after a dream i never
get mad at that
um anyway so and then the next night i went down and i returned to that i didn't
even know it was
the same gig because they said it was hermosa beach if they said seal beach i'd
be like wait a minute is
this this same fucking place um that i went i you know a while back where they
were like yeah we don't
have covid down here because of the sea breeze or whatever the fuck they were
saying uh and i went
down there it was the same fucking place but i didn't run into that lady
um but everybody this time down there was wearing masks which was cool
you know there was still the people that like i just don't get the person who
wears the mask and
then like goes to talk to you pulls the mask down when they go to talk and leans
towards you it's just
like how fucking dumb oh just take the mask off you fucking dope
fucking dopes and i'm also seeing a lot of people like they got one shot and
now they're like yeah i've
been vaccinated or people just saying i've been vaccinated and they're just
walking around
without a fucking mask on it's just like the level of fucking selfish
fucking behavior it's just it's just unbelievable it's um it's i will never get
over
uh just like all it took to derail everybody who walks around talks about how
tough they are is that
they had to put on a mask and they just couldn't do it i mean i'm breathing my
own breath it's dangerous
acting like it was carbon monoxide acting like no oxygen was getting in there
and you're going to
pass out it's like no you didn't want to do it because it was inconvenient to
you because you
are an individual you know while they all go support the troops america love it
or leave it and all that
and then the pandemic happens and it's all just like this is all about me i
love that all these
fucking red state cunts started acting like lefty celebrities they got their
own sitcom
i am not coming out of my dressing room until everything all of my demands are
met
did you see that douchebag they told him to put a mask on in a store and he had
like a gallon of milk
and he spiked it like gronkowski in the store and walked out literally like a
two-year-old
because he couldn't wear a mask for 11 minutes to go in and shop for groceries
un-fucking-believable we'll never never never get i shouldn't just put that on
people in red states
because i saw a lot of blueys out here doing the same thing however i did want
to talk about this
as far as like uh because this thing i'm gonna get my vaccine second one today
and then you know
technically i think after a couple weeks like i won't have to wear a mask but i'll
still wear one just to
not make other people uncomfortable thinking i'm just some fucking mouth-breathing
dope breathing all
over um all right that's what a hero i am look at me building myself up it's
easy thing to do when
you do your podcast without a guest you know and you don't get questioned um
all right so plowing ahead
here uh so i did the second show at hermosa which was great there was like
three people that were like
you know john bonham leveled drunk in the crowd and they were running their yaps
which is a little
was a little annoying but the payoff came in the end when one of them literally
did a face plant
in the front row it was awesome and he was he went down and it took in like i
couldn't see i couldn't
see him hit because the way the stage was he just disappeared he was right in
the front row just fell down
i saw it out of the corner of my eye and then i looked at the sober people in
that section those
poor people who were trying to listen to my act instead of this idiot
commenting on everything i
was saying and i was like did he just fall down and they just go like yeah he
did and then like
it took i swear to god it took like 40 seconds before he resurfaced and he had
his hand his hand
he's trying to push himself back up on the chair and i was saying i was always
a fan of the three stooges so
it was worth it he was a harmless guy he was a nice guy he just was fucking
shit-faced and you know what it was friday night on a beach and i was
performing outside so you know
what are you gonna do right what are you gonna do

All COVID-19 Related Clips Part 1 - Bill Burr

all right sorry so that's on my list when this whole pandemic ends when it
fucking ends when we
have the Hatfields and McCoys or the fucking vaccinated and the non-vaccinated
you know I
keep saying to people who don't want to get the vaccine I go so back in the day
when they cured
polio you wouldn't have got that fucking vaccine you just would have walked
around with one leg
bigger than the other one and they're like well no that's back when they did it
right what do you
mean back when they did it right they were doing just as much fucked up shit
they were doing more
fucked up shit back then where the civil rights movement was there's all kinds
of
the fucking cars you drove you hit a tree the whole fucking engine and steering
wheel went into your
chest you squirted out the side like toothpaste but you know people have I like
I only give shit to
white people I don't give shit to black people because the government did give
them syphilis
I don't know why I'm laughing I'm just saying you know I we do not condone
giving a syphilis to
people of color on this podcast all right and with that let's get to the
advertising um all right
fat people bragging dear Billy Zigzag I don't care who gets the vaccine before
me because I'm not
an at-risk person I do however think it's fucking crazy that fat people are bragging
about getting the
vaccine first on social media I keep seeing threads of people pictures of fat
people throwing up peace
signs like they won something these high-risk people were the excuse to shut
down businesses for a year
and they're the first ones to be able to go back and eat at a restaurant and so
you should be a comedian
this is a killer bit and somehow someone will think I'm a dick for complaining
how about a tad bit of
shame for not taking care of yourself yeah and slowing down the herd I I agree
I agree you should turn
that into your first stand-up bit or just for the fuck of it sign up for an
open mic and just do that
and get it off your chest and it's even if you bomb there'll be one person
laughing and then I'm telling
you it'll make your day hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and it is time for
the Monday morning
podcast for Monday April 12th Monday April to a Monday April 12th
sorry I'm yelling
2021
I'm gonna be perfectly honest with you
I am recording this the day before because in a couple of fucking hours
I'm going out I'm making the lamp vibrate over here with my screaming I'm going
I'm getting my second shot of
the Pfizer I'm getting the second shot of the Pfizer now I have found that some
people get a little sick some people get a lot sick and some people don't get
sick at all so what I'm thinking is it's you know how I was raised that all
comes down to what kind of man you are
and I know everybody is different and everybody's brave and everybody's a
fucking star you know
you know unless you're a white guy that's successful then you somehow you know
you must have done something fucking evil
diddled somebody or whatever that's sort of the narrative right now you know
not defending white guys but also not vilifying all of them you know kind of
being an adult and you know treating everybody like an individual like these
fucking crazy lefties act like they do but they don't really
um oh speaking of which oh we'll get to that in a second oh Jesus I almost
forgot that I almost forgot what I was going to talk about there um
so uh
anyway I think that you know I'm just I'm hydrating there
I took a little vitamin c pill I'm fucking stone sober I got great sleep last
night you know when you sleep so deep you have like fucked up dreams
it's probably because I had an oreo cookie shake with fucking whipped cream on
top that's like my fucking bourbon and cigars now once a fucking week
I act like some freckled fucking redheaded cunt from the 1950s who just
finished his paper route and I
and I go down to the soda fountain I get myself a shake fuck you it's all I got
left man
it's all I got left um but I love it I love being stone fucking sober until
about oh 7 30 at night and
then just those last five fucking hours of the night or uh not five hours like
four or whatever it's not even
that my kids wear me out so I'm I'm usually asleep by 11 so if I can just you
know the last four and a half
oh that's still four and a half hours huh yeah shit if I can just get through
that right I'm usually good
so anyway I'm I'm going to uh drinking a bunch of water here just gonna be
hydrated and everything
I did go on a fucking big hike yesterday like a fucking idiot because um with
therapy I'm oh jesus
he's dropping stuff here I've learned that I I work too hard uh not that I work
too hard I'm working
because of shit I was fucking avoiding so I'm trying to face that shit so I've
now decided that I'm gonna
have one day a week right one day a week where I just don't do shit I got one
day where I'm not
fucking doing shit you know just like the lord right he made the earth in six
days which is why
it's so fucked up because he kind of rushed the job you know like he already
had something else to do
guy created the whole fucking universe in six fucking goddamn days puts his
feet up on the seventh day
oh did you notice the pedophiles oh yeah sorry about that you know whatever
deal with it um
anyways uh yeah so what I'm finding is when I don't have anything to do I will
still fill the day up
oh I don't have anything to do I'm gonna play drums I'm gonna go on a hike I'm
like a lunatic
so I did do that yesterday and uh I just went on a hike I didn't stretch or
anything I just
fucking went out and I woke up today feeling like fucking Earl Campbell after
he played the Steelers
so I had to take an Epsom salt bath just going on a hike that's just you know
it's how old I am now
it's just what it is it is hey it is what it is so um then I was like you
fucking idiot you're getting
the second vaccine shot and you're you're already putting this pressure on
yourself that if you get
sick you're not a man so um I've just been drinking water and uh you know
whatever we'll see what
happens so but I think it's a combination of everything it's also how you you
know just how
it affects you and your DNA bullshit uh but then I also think I would say that
that's probably 30 percent
of it and the other 70 percent is basically how much of a fucking pussy you are
you know there's some
people they get a cold and they just sort of shake it off and continue their
life and then there's other
people that are you know actually smart they they kind of shut things down and
rest up you know if
you're doing that that's smart but if you're the person who acts like you now
have Ebola you know
those people they just get a fucking cold and they think they need to go to the
doctor I think those
people affect are sort of affecting you know people talking about like that
second vaccine shot
and how they feel because I know somebody who works out like a maniac and is in
really great condition
and she got the Johnson and Johnson you know two for one bing bang boom you're
done and she didn't
get sick um so anyway that's that's what I'm up to uh I did a couple of really
really fun shows I
did a show uh in a parking lot outside of a gym because that's where we're at
as we wait for people the
smart people to go out and get vaccinated or the sheeple as the people uh as
they say on the internet
that listen they don't listen to doctors but they listen to their friend who
googled something on the
internet like the internet is like you know there's no rules of libel or slander
on the internet you can
post whatever you want and say that it's true just know that it's probably not
a good place to go to
get information
um yeah the next thing you know you're dressed like a buffalo and you're
running into the capital
with no shirt on and you're face painted like that's what happens when you go
on the internet
and you if you start googling shit that can that can happen to you
you know and i'm not shitting on that guy that guy came so close to being a
face on our money for the
next 200 fucking years he was right fucking there and then it all fell apart so
you gotta tip your
fucking buffalo hat to him for for having the balls to go after a dream i never
get mad at that
um anyway so and then the next night i went down and i returned to that i didn't
even know it was
the same gig because they said it was hermosa beach if they said seal beach i'd
be like wait a minute is
this this same fucking place um that i went i you know a while back where they
were like yeah we don't
have covid down here because of the sea breeze or whatever the fuck they were
saying uh and i went
down there it was the same fucking place but i didn't run into that lady
um but everybody this time down there was wearing masks which was cool
you know there was still the people that like i just don't get the person who
wears the mask and
then like goes to talk to you pulls the mask down when they go to talk and leans
towards you it's just
like how fucking dumb oh just take the mask off you fucking dope
fucking dopes and i'm also seeing a lot of people like they got one shot and
now they're like yeah i've
been vaccinated or people just saying i've been vaccinated and they're just
walking around
without a fucking mask on it's just like the level of fucking selfish
fucking behavior it's just it's just unbelievable it's um it's i will never get
over
uh just like all it took to derail everybody who walks around talks about how
tough they are is that
they had to put on a mask and they just couldn't do it i mean i'm breathing my
own breath it's dangerous
acting like it was carbon monoxide acting like no oxygen was getting in there
and you're going to
pass out it's like no you didn't want to do it because it was inconvenient to
you because you
are an individual you know while they all go support the troops america love it
or leave it and all that
and then the pandemic happens and it's all just like this is all about me i
love that all these
fucking red state cunts started acting like lefty celebrities they got their
own sitcom
i am not coming out of my dressing room until everything all of my demands are
met
did you see that douchebag they told him to put a mask on in a store and he had
like a gallon of milk
and he spiked it like gronkowski in the store and walked out literally like a
two-year-old
because he couldn't wear a mask for 11 minutes to go in and shop for groceries
un-fucking-believable we'll never never never get i shouldn't just put that on
people in red states
because i saw a lot of blueys out here doing the same thing however i did want
to talk about this
as far as like uh because this thing i'm gonna get my vaccine second one today
and then you know
technically i think after a couple weeks like i won't have to wear a mask but i'll
still wear one just to
not make other people uncomfortable thinking i'm just some fucking mouth-breathing
dope breathing all
over um all right that's what a hero i am look at me building myself up it's
easy thing to do when
you do your podcast without a guest you know and you don't get questioned um
all right so plowing ahead
here uh so i did the second show at hermosa which was great there was like
three people that were like
you know john bonham leveled drunk in the crowd and they were running their yaps
which is a little
was a little annoying but the payoff came in the end when one of them literally
did a face plant
in the front row it was awesome and he was he went down and it took in like i
couldn't see i couldn't
see him hit because the way the stage was he just disappeared he was right in
the front row just fell down
i saw it out of the corner of my eye and then i looked at the sober people in
that section those
poor people who were trying to listen to my act instead of this idiot
commenting on everything i
was saying and i was like did he just fall down and they just go like yeah he
did and then like
it took i swear to god it took like 40 sec