Name: LSD - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2021-08-20T03:33:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'LSD - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'LSD - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-20. Transcript available.

And people back when LSD was the real shit, man!
None of these fucking happy mushrooms I figured myself out, man!
This was the real shit.
The shit that made you think you could fly!
And you'd rip your eyeballs out or whatever else they used to tell you in those
stupid student films.
Which evidently was all bullshit.
I never did acid.
You ever drop acid?
Why would I do that?
It kind of sounds like I wouldn't want to do that to my brain.
Oh, dude.
I fucking dropped acid back in 76 at a Steve Miller concert.
Oh.
The second he went into...
Tick, tock, tick.
Dude, I went back in time.
And then what happened?
I got a job at Home Depot.
Oh.
I was one of the three people that they hired at one of their locations.
I'm convinced that they have a minimum of six employees at each Home Depot.
You know?
I bet there's a lot of, like, struggling actors that work at Home Depot.
And then they say, they go like, oh, is this what fame is like?
I don't want to do this.
Like, you know, when you're going to Home Depot, it's just like, if there's
anybody with one of those fucking aprons on,
like, 40 people like, oh, my God, where the fuck is this thing I need?
Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
Doing that as they're trying to talk to you.
And then you're the person like, I found them first!
Get away from me!
Get away from me!
Right?
Like the fucking...
I don't know.
I fucking hate that place.
Home Depot is the fucking worst.
You know, what you really need to do, if you're going to shop at Home Depot,
you've got to spend a week there by yourself.
And you yourself have to figure out where the fuck everything is.
So when you go in there, you know what the fuck's going on.
Because if you want help in that fucking motherfucker of a place,
just giant.
You know what even makes you feel more lonely in that place is how high the ceilings
are.
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Looking for a gasket!
Gasket!
Gasket!
Fucking worst.
So anyway, I had a frigging great...
I had a great day.
I had a great day yesterday.
I was...
First of all, it was the perfect day out here.
And I was just thinking, wouldn't it be great if every day was like this?
Then I realized if every day was like that, then it'd just be like...
You know, you'd get bored.
You'd be praying for an earthquake or a rainstorm.
Which is why heaven, the concept of heaven has never made sense to me.
Just every day is just fucking amazing.
Forever.
And you just walk around happy all the time.
There's the way human beings are, your brain would just level off.
You know?
Like when you're in them clouds, you don't know which way you're going, and the
equilibrium tells you upright when you ain't.
Right?
You would be sitting there just thinking like, after a while, like, you know?
Isn't this great?
It's great.
Yeah, it's great.
It's fucking heaven.
Oh, it's amazing.
Fucking month in.
Ah!
And then I tell you, it's every day.
Every day is going to be like this.
Everybody's going to have their eyebrows up, just walking around like, oh my
God, this is so fucking great.
Jeez, that's a scary thought, because the whole concept then, when you start
thinking about that, the whole concept of forever is just like, it just, it
seems worse than this shit.
Because no matter what the fuck you're going through in this life, it's going
to end.
At least it's going to, there is an ending to the movie.
Don't take that ending.
Hardcore MASH fans know why I just sang that theme song.
Um, you know that there's a fucking ending.
Um.
But with that shit, there's like, no ending.
But then if you went to hell, oh, you're going to burn me again?
Well, you know.
Hell, well, hell, for some reason, hell, I can picture that better.
I don't know what that says about me.
I can picture just being tortured for the rest forever.
I don't know.
I just can't imagine.
Just fucking hanging out, you know.
Oh, say what you want about hell.
I bet there's a lot of funny bastards down there.
Um.
Making fun of the way you scream when you're in fire versus them.
The ball breaking would start.
And then the devil would get mad.
Hey, I said no fuck down here!
Oh, dad's home!
Fucking whore.
What are you going to do?
Send me to hell again?
You fucking red cunt.
Hey, man, like, why can't we all just sort of, you know, clean up down here and
just realize
we all fucked up on earth and let's just make the best out of it.
Can you imagine that?
Can you imagine if you unionized hell down there and everybody just sort of,
all right.
I don't know, but then you'd have, like, rapists and fucking pedophiles down
there you'd have
to watch out for.
That's a stupid idea.
That'd be like if you could somehow get everybody in a jail if you were in
prison to all of a
sudden just be cool to each other, make everything else go away.
You can't fucking do it.
That'd be like getting the Middle East, everybody to settle down.
That'd be like getting the corporations to actually do something right for the
people
rather than their own fucking wallets.
Hey, it'd be like the NFL taking responsibility for the help of the players.
Sorry.
Anyway, I was trying to say it was a great day.
I went flying yesterday with my instructor and it was windy as shit and like 30
knot winds
and he's like, we'll be all right.
We'll be all right.
So 30 knot winds.
I was actually faced the wrong way.
It was weird.
One windsock was blowing one way.
One was blowing the other.
And the flag I usually look at was not, they didn't have it up the pole that
day.
So I was like, all right, well, we usually go this way.
And of course I get in, you know, I get in, I turn on the fucking radios.
I listen to the ATIS and it says they're going the other way.
And I'm like, all right, well, what are you going to do?
Lifted that fucker up nice and straight.
Slid out.
Went the other way and came around and the fucking, you know, when I took off,
obviously
into the wind, it wasn't bad, but it was still bumpy.
But when I went crosswind and then went downwind and the wind was to my back.
Yeah, that was pretty, it was pretty intense.
It was pretty fucking intense.
And the whole day was really bumpy.
But the great day, great thing about flying in that other than the experience
of it is
LA is so fucking clear on those days.
Like, usually on days when it's good to fly, just the haze that's out there.
Everybody always thinks people mistake smog and haze.
Smog is brown.
Haze is haze.
Everybody just because of LA's reputation just thinks every day.
Like, the air quality out here is way better than it was back in the 70s and 80s
when it
was just like fucking brown outside.
So, but on, yeah, it's just all the people driving around, the dust and all the,
and literally
like, I think you might even get into what I've realized what haze is.
It's also like fucking, yeah, all the people out here, your skin flakes off,
that gets in
the air.
It's fucking disgusting what it really is.
So anyway, Mother Nature blows it all out.
At least that's what I heard.
That might be wrong.
I don't know.
Mother Nature blows all of that shit out, right?
And, uh, yeah, it's just dust, dirt, fucking all of that shit.
The same shit that's in your house just goes up into the air.
So it's blown all away.
Those are the days when they take, you know, they hire helicopters and then
they do the touristy
pictures of Los Angeles.
And those are the days when you can see downtown LA and behind it, you see snow-capped
mountains
and you're like, how did they take downtown LA and drop it in the middle of
fucking Utah?
What is this, right?
It's those days that they do it.
So we flew, um, I did an instrument approach into, uh, Santa Monica and then I
transitioned
along the beach through LA airspace at or below 150, which is the shit.
I'm going to film that one day for you guys just to see what that's like on a
beach day.
There's people on surfboards fucking doing the waving to you, you know,
crossing the arms
over the head, doing the, like, come rescue me shit.
Um, you got to look out for kites.
That's how low you are.
Um, and then you get on the other side, the smokestacks, you come up, you get
on with
Torrance.
We did, uh, some landings there on the, uh, the pad and, uh, then we flew up
near Hawthorne.
I got to see, you know, a little bit of the Rams, San Diego Chargers, new
stadium, which
looks just fucking incredible.
It looks like a stingray.
That's like been swimming and they took a picture when it was flapping down.
It's fucking amazing.
Um, but that is in the Bravo airspace.
If you guys are into this shit, where all the big guys, all the big boys land
and ladies
and theys.
All right.
Fucking assholes.
Before we try to get me in trouble.
Um, they all come in.
So you go around that and go up to one 10 and, um, it was so fucking, by the
time we got
back to the airport that I flew out of, the wind gusts were up to 50 knots and
we were like,
you know what, fuck that.
And I learned a really cool thing.
You just call another airport, which I guess I would have figured out if I was
soloing,
but this is why I always still go with an instructor to keep learning on these
new experiences.
We just sat down at another airport, Ubered back to the airport we took off
from, you know,
I'm just paying the fee to leave it there overnight.
And after my podcast, I'm going to go over.
Today's a nice calm day.
Get up, fly it, put it on the dolly and stick it back in the little fucking
hangar.
Um, but it was fun as hell to get back up there.
And, um, I hadn't flown in a little over a week.
I got some work coming up.
Uh, we're editing, um, season five episodes for family.
And, uh, just got a little busy doing that.
So whenever I don't fly for more than like four or five days, I always end up
just going
up with an instructor and going to be like, all right, let's go through this,
you know,
do some auto rotations.
And, uh, you gotta be humble, man.
You can't be thinking you fucking know everything, but I had a great time.