Name: Girlfriend Thinks I'm Gay - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2021-08-22T11:40:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Girlfriend Thinks I'm Gay - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Girlfriend Thinks I'm Gay - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-22. Transcript available.

Girlfriend thinks I'm gay.
Dear old Billy Bonkers,
I have a situation that is kind of hilarious and kind of fucked up,
so I thought this might be the perfect place for a little advice.
Insert 30 seconds of silence while you fumble to get your theme song.
Oh, you're right.
Let me see here.
Is this it right here?
It's time for advice.
Hey!
Your host, Billy Byrne.
That's me!
And I'm ripping off this melody from...
Somebody else.
Okay, here we go.
Let's see here.
Oh, wait.
Now, does it go into the next fucking thing here?
No, it doesn't.
All right, cool.
All right.
My girlfriend and I have been together for about three and a half years,
and I truly am in love with this girl.
She checks all of the boxes and then some.
Super smart, beautiful, funny, amazing family, and she loves me.
I absolutely see a future with this girl.
I'm 25, she's 23, so I know we're young, but I've been told I'm very mature for
my age,
and she's getting there.
No, there's nothing wrong with getting married that young.
Then you can have kids when you're young and fucking see most of their lives
before you're kicking.
Unlike me, with a fucking super old dad here.
Now, for some context, before I jump into the situation, in middle school and
high school,
I had been bullied by some kids saying I was gay.
I've always taken pride in how I dress, how I look, my hair, and I would
definitely describe myself as metrosexual.
I was also very tall and skinny growing up, and I had poor posture.
Oh, that's it right there, dude.
Tall, skinny, poor posture?
Yeah, you're going to get fucked with the fucking laws of the jungle,
unfortunately.
Anyway, so the little fucks had a lot of ammunition, and I honestly don't blame
them for it, but I'm not gay.
As you can imagine, it fucked with me and killed my confidence.
Yeah, dude, you're talking about someone who grew up with orange hair.
So, yeah, I know what it's like to have a target on your back.
In college, I decided I was going to put on some muscle.
Really difficult.
I have the metabolism of a hummingbird.
Well, you've got a great sense of humor, though, so that makes up for a lot of
it.
And do something about one part of me that I have always been self-conscious
about.
I gained 20 pounds and am now proudly 6'2", 170 pounds.
I do well with the ladies, and I've had a few girlfriends over the years, none
as long as this one.
I have no resentment for being bullied when I was younger.
In fact, it served its purpose as motivation for me to be a better version of
myself.
I think about bullying all the time.
I wish I could go back and stop a lot of it that I saw.
I was that weird.
I was like in the middle of the pack.
I got bullied.
I bullied people.
You know, get it off of me and put it onto somebody else.
I really wish I had, you know, you wish you had the maturity now back then.
Some of the stuff I think about, I still think about some of the shit that I
saw some kids go through.
It's just like, fuck.
Brutal.
Brutal.
In the first year of dating my girlfriend, I opened up to her about getting
bullied, and she told, and told her that's why the gym became so important to
me.
She was supportive and felt bad that I went through that when I was young, but
she also wanted me to confirm with her that I wasn't gay.
Her asking me frustrated me.
Yeah, that's fucking weird.
But it was easy, and I chalked it up to her not knowing me well enough yet.
I was pretty adamant about my answer and thought she got the point.
In her second year of dating, she somehow brings it up again and says,
Are you sure you aren't gay?
Like, you aren't going to marry me, have a family, and then come out, right?
Whoa.
And this time around, the question pissed me off.
We had this conversation, really.
I've been with you for two years.
We fuck weekly, and it's great.
I'm also getting insulted.
No offense at all towards gay people, but my girlfriend is asking these
questions based on certain stereotypes,
and I don't think there are enough evidence, air quote, evidence for her to be
suspicious.
I probably overreacted a bit.
No, you didn't.
But it hit a nerve that my own girlfriend is bringing up feelings I had when I
was bullied in middle school.
Got to be the end of it, right?
Well, we're three and a half years in, and tonight she pops the question yet
again.
Dude, break up with this chick.
She words it similarly to how she worded it the second time, and I got pretty
heated.
I basically said, We've had this conversation now three times.
I've told you each time that I'm not gay, nor have I ever questioned it.
It pisses me off that after more than three years, you're still asking me this
question.
This is not normal.
I don't think most women in relationship ask their man yearly if they're
secretly gay and going to leave them, so I'm insulted.
She, of course, then becomes the victim because I didn't react how she wanted
me to.
I said, I'm sorry, but this is not okay.
The next time you ask me that question, I better have a dick in my mouth.
Am I wrong here?
No, not at all.
Is dressing well, being neat, and keeping myself well-groomed really that much
of a red flag that my girlfriend should be questioning my sexuality?
I don't even talk like the stereotypical gay dude.
Any suggestions for how I can get her to believe slash not ask me the question
anymore?
Can't wait to hear whatever you say.
Go fuck yourself.
Yeah, I would break up with this chick.
Or, no, this is what I would find out what the fuck and be like, okay, did your
dad marry your mom and then after you were born come out and say he was gay?
Like, what is this fear or what the fuck is it that I'm doing that makes you
keep asking me this question?
That's what I would ask her.
And if you don't like the answer, I would fucking hit the road, Jack.
And don't you go back no more.
That's really fucked up.
Now, granted, I haven't heard her fucking version of shit.
It's funny if she fucking wrote in.
Yeah, I'd have to hear what her concerns are to have any fucking idea.
But if you're telling me the truth, which how the hell do I know?
But if you're telling me the fucking truth, you're not gay and you just dress
well and fucking whatever.
And she's just asking you that.
I mean, you might be.
Are you an effeminate straight guy?
Because they have those two.
You know, I don't fucking know.
I don't know.
I have no fucking idea.
So I do think that it is fucked up that you have expressed.
I'll tell you, you know what else I think is fucked up?
That you've stayed with this person.
You're saying she's checked off all the boxes.
Like, how many boxes is she checking off that once a year she can ask you
legitimately if you're gay or not and you still want to be with her?
There's a lot of questions I have here.
Because I think, I mean.
If I mean, I would just.
One time, maybe I think you can ask somebody that once.
And then a year later, they do it again.
It's like, all right.
I'm leaving you before I get like a fucking complex here.
Like, Jesus Christ.
I'm fucking.
You got me sitting here watching John Wayne movies now trying to fucking be
extra manly here.
So you stop asking me that fucking question.
I don't know.
I have no idea.
But.
I don't think she's convinced.
And you're three and a half years in.
You're 25.
You got your whole life ahead of you.
I don't know this person, but I can tell you this.
Reading your email and just hearing your side of it.
This woman is not checking off a lot of boxes for me personally.
So.
I don't know.
Is it like her fucking weird way of trying?
She doesn't want to break up with you.
So she just keeps doing this thing that annoys you.
I don't know.
I don't.
This is.
That's a weird one.
Some fucking heavy emails this fucking week.
Jesus Christ.
I'd ever kill myself, but I'm fucking welcoming death.
Whatever the hell that was.
And then this shit and fucking.
Some fucking little Stalin chick running an HOA.
Jesus Christ.
When the fuck did this podcast become so, so, so deep, man?
All right.
That is the podcast, everybody.
So I'll get, I'll leave you with this.
Because what that, what that guy was talking about, the guy eating too much,
you know.
That really bothered me.
I don't, I hate people being, as much as a douche as I am.
I don't like people being in pain.
You know what I mean?
And someone who's been in a lot of pain for a lot of his life.
And now figuring out that, you know, you know, your natural reaction is to
fucking go away
from pain, distract yourself from pain, bury your pain and all that.
And it's just, it's just, it's still going to be there.
Which is why the next night you're still going to want to drink just as much,
if not more.
Or eat just as much, not as more.
Or go fuck somebody you shouldn't fuck.
Whatever your fucking addiction is.
It's kind of amazing when you stop just for a couple of months and really try
to work on
whatever that fucking thing is that's bothering you.
How much progress you can make quickly.
Especially if you're talking to somebody that understands what you're going
through.
So I wish that for all of you.
Because if you don't, deal with that pain.
Not only are you going to hurt yourself, you're going to hurt the people around
you that you love.
All right, that's the only public service announcement I've ever made in this
podcast.
So with that, go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday.