Name: Hate Mail Over Bill’s Fear of the Sharks/Ocean - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2021-08-24T04:32:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hate Mail Over Bill’s Fear of the Sharks/Ocean - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hate Mail Over Bill’s Fear of the Sharks/Ocean - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-24. Transcript available.

Sharks and helicopters.
Deer spotted scrotum scalp.
Jesus Christ.
Go on for marrow on that one.
I'm a huge fan.
Jesus, are you?
And generally agree with your point of view.
But your most, your recent rant about shark attacks is absolutely ridiculous.
First of all, I hate to be, well, first of all, okay, you insult,
which I think I have a beautiful head.
I'm standing by that.
I have a beautiful head.
I take care of it.
I lotion it up.
I laser off anything and it's unsightly.
You know, I keep it fucking, I keep it, you know, I keep it shaved nice and
smooth.
All right.
So fuck yourself on that one.
Then you tell me you're a huge fan of mine.
So you draw me back in.
This is an abusive relationship.
Okay.
You say something that if I wasn't such a strong person,
didn't have a little bit of Apache blood in me, I would have started crying.
Okay.
But I shook that off.
Then you fucking draw me back in by saying you're a huge fan.
And then you, then the very next, it wasn't even the same sentence, dot, dot,
dot.
You tell me, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
Well, I have to tell you, it's the social justice warrior who's trying to live
his best life.
You're probably right.
I have a ridiculous fear of sharks.
I do.
I know it is.
I know it's ridiculous.
All right.
First of all, I hate the beach.
I hate the sand, the sun, the seaweed, the stupid fucking jellyfish.
I hate the goddamn winter and all the dumb ass people who waste their days
there.
The water.
Sorry.
I hate the goddamn water.
I was like, Jesus, you're jumping seasons here.
I hate the goddamn water.
And all the dumb ass people waste their days there.
But I'm sure as shit, not afraid of sharks.
All right.
Well, it doesn't sound like you go anywhere near them.
Your whole bit about being attacked by a shark is no different than some cunt
crying about the dangers of helicopters.
There's way more helicopter crashes per year than shark attacks, by the way.
Okay.
Fair enough.
I've never understood doing that.
Going from one variable to another, because it isn't just as simple as that.
I would say there's way more people.
No, there isn't way more people flying helicopters.
You know what?
Maybe that's a good one.
Maybe that is a good one.
I have no idea.
But all I know is the helicopter is not trying to kill me.
I kind of have to put in some work to make it kill me.
But I guess sharks are the same way.
If you have a phobia of sharks, then man up and own that shit.
Admit it's an irrational and own the phobia.
Stop making excuses.
You sound like a little bitch.
Love the podcast and go fuck yourself.
Listen, I don't know what me being afraid of sharks just fucking triggered in
you.
But I don't, like, what the fuck was that?
What are you, some fucking football coach from the 70s?
I've always said that I'm fucking terrified of him, and there's no fucking way
I'm going.
I'm allowed to have a fear.
All right?
You know what you sound like?
You sound like somebody needs to go home and go hug his dad.
Go fuck yourself.
Fucking cunt.
I fly helicopters.
All right?
I got the balls to do that.
But just because you got the balls to do that doesn't mean I go fucking cave
diving.
I like swimming.
I like just, I like, the same way I fly is the same way I swim.
I try to minimize the risk.
I try to put the odds in my favor.
That's what I do.
Okay?
That's just what I do.
There's some people, if they're going to deep fry a turkey, they're going to do
it on their deck.
They're going to do it on their wooden deck, and they're going to just, yeah,
you know, I could fucking, you know, I don't think anybody's going to tip it
over.
And they take that risk.
And there's other people, they do it in the driveway with the fire extinguisher
there.
That's how I am.
That's how I am.
Okay?
And what is stop making excuses?
That whole thing fascinated.
That took me way back in my life.
You have a phobia of sharks, then man up and own that shit.
I feel like I am by saying how much I have it, how afraid I am in the ocean.
I literally say I'm terrified of the ocean.
I think I've said that a thousand times in this podcast.
Admit it's irrational.
In other words, agree with you and own the phobia.
Listen, it's not irrational.
The level that I have is probably irrational.
The odds of it happening.
Okay?
Yes, absolutely.
I'll admit to that.
But it's not irrational.
It's not something to not be concerned of.
Stop making excuses.
You sound like a little bitch.
Well, listen to the tough guy who never goes to the fucking beach or goes in
the goddamn water.
Jesus Christ.
I wish I was.
Jesus.
Whatever.
All right.
God bless you, sir.
I agree with everything you say.
I will try to be less of a bitch.
There we go.