Name: Bill Burr vs. God - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2021-08-25T14:29:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr vs. God - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr vs. God - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-25. Transcript available.

I don't fuck with shampoo because I'm bald.
Not because of what they do to the rabbits.
What do you think a rabbit says to God when it dies?
You know, like, what the fuck was that?
God.
You know, I love that we're so arrogant as human beings.
We don't, every one of us gets a conversation with God after we die.
He sits down and takes out his giant, the giant manila envelope photo of your
fucking life.
And it's going to sit down and go blow by blow of all the good shit and all the
bad shit.
Like, let me ask you this.
If you were God and you had the ability, the fucking ability to create the
universe,
to create whatever you want to create, are you going to waste your time with
all of that paperwork?
One of the umpteen thousand fucking earths out there, right?
This is the one he pays attention to.
And he just can't wait to take me to task about 1986 when I blabble blue, right?
Let's say he does.
Let's say he's got that kind of fucking time.
I mean, how long does it take to review somebody's life?
He's got to be blowing through this shit.
That's kind of uplifting.
I would think even if you go to hell after you die, the fucking waiting time,
it's got to be ridiculous.
You know, it's like trying to get Packers, Green Bay, Green Bay Packers season
tickets back in the day.
I don't know about now.
I don't know if you can get them now.
I have no idea.
I have no idea.
And is that a statement of the loyalty of the fans in and around Appleton,
Wisconsin?
Or is that more a statement of there's just nothing to fucking do out here?
I don't give a shit if Lynn Dickey's the quarterback, okay?
I'm on a waiting list for season tickets.
Waiting for our next Bart Starr.
Bart Starr, the last Hall of Famer to wear 15 at quarterback in the NFL.
It has been an over 50-year fucking drought.
And along comes Patrick Mahomes.
Patrick Mahomey.
He comes along.
And what does he do?
What does he do?
He puts number 15 back on the map at quarterback.
No kid grew up wanting to be number 15.
Nobody did.
15 is a slow number.
You know, I think about when I think of 15, I think one, that Joe Theismann
helmet, one fucking bar across your face, Mac.
Lining up to do a straight on field kick.
Missing half your foot.
That's what I think of.
I think of Tom Dempsey.
That's what I think of.
And you know what?
These kids today, they're going to think of Patrick Mahomes.
I can't say anything today.
Patrick Mahomes?
Patrick Mahomes.
That's who they're going to think of.
They're going to think of throwing a no-look pass to their friend who's looking
back at him,
a bot ready to run into a mailbox, and then, you know, two completes is a first,
right?
You guys ever play that in the street?
Two completes in a row is a first.
Two completes in a row is a first.
Pass the telephone, pulls the touchdown.
Two-hand touch.
In the street.
Anyway.
So how fucking arrogant are we as human beings that we think God's going to
waste his fucking
time reviewing everybody's stupid-ass fucking life?
I mean, I would think you'd have to live a life of some sort of significance,
where you
were the greatest fucking dude ever, or the biggest piece of shit ever.
All right?
And notice how I just talked about that in male terms.
I have not even included women having their life reviewed.
Okay?
There's no way God's going to put himself through that and listen to their
fucking whining and
crying and their argument.
He's just going to let them in.
He's just going to let them in.
And when he does, does that really make it heaven for men?
I'm fucking with you.
But anyway, kind of a fucking world, do you think that this person is going to
take the
time to review your fucking life?
Going to Applebee's, fucking drinking in the woods, whatever the fuck you did.
He's going to take his time to do that, but he's not wasting his time with a
rabbit.
A rabbit dies, it's just fucking dead.
And you know what I would say?
The only reason why we believe that is because you can't teach a rabbit how to
unload a truck.
That's why.
So there's no need to control those fucking things.
And if anybody deserves to be in the TSA pre-checked line into heaven, I would
say it'd
be a bunny rabbit.
All right?
Name something that can't fucking overpower that thing and kill it.
Sit around eating veggies, man.
Right?
They're like little liberals hopping all around the fucking woods with their
stupid bunny
tails out.
Just thinking of the best of people, you know?
Sure, they could use some Invisalign, but nobody's perfect, right?
Just go.
They're just out there to be killed.
Hawks.
Snakes.
Coyotes.
Anything you can just get their fucking hands on them.
People.
We used to cut their feet off and stick it in some tie dye and walk around and
say,
this is good luck.
I don't know.
This is all the shit that goes through my fucking head.
You know what I mean?
I spend a lot of time by myself.
Even when I'm with people.
If you know what I mean.
Some of you know what I mean.
Do you have that ability to be sitting there nodding, doing active listening as
you're
fucking nine million miles away in your head?
So anyway, we're back here.
But I got to be honest with you.
It's nice to be back here with all my stuff that I've accumulated throughout
the years.
I miss my drums.
Bill, you can ship your drums back east.
I know I could.
And I've been playing a lot lately.
Having a great fucking time.
And I actually came across this triplet exercise.
I think I was talking to you guys about this.
But I've been sticking with it.
And my foot has never been faster.
It's never been more powerful.
It's never been more up front in my dad drumming.
And my dad never been even in a wedding band drumming that I do.
Very excited about that.
I've been coming up with different like exercises myself.
Where I can then do things to improve.
Like the three in a row.
On the bass drum.
Where at that point, the pivot point becomes your ankle.
You know?
And your foot's flopping like you just blew out your Achilles.
Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum.
That shit.
So I'm just coming up with stuff.
You know, slowing it down and moving up.
And I kind of really figured out why I wasn't able to push through.
Because, you know, remember back in the day in the 80s?
Remember the 80s people when you'd bench and every two weeks you'd see,
Dude, let's see what our max is.
I do that every time I work on it.
And, you know, you saw what your max was.
But then what you did was you backed off 40 fucking pounds.
And you built that up so you could do 10 reps and then your max would increase.
I don't do that.
That's not how I drum.
I go all the way up to my max and then try to fucking play at my max.
And then I fucking jack up my leg or my foot or something like that.
You know, I got to learn to take a step back.
You know, and I think that's something we could all think about every once in a
while.
Just taking a step back, don't you think?
I'm actually really bummed out that I missed that tropical storm that hit
Massachusetts right after I left.
You know, my ego wants to say people were that upset that I didn't spend 11
days in Massachusetts,
including Mother Nature, that that was Mother Nature crying,
that my pasty thighs were not going to be gracing the beaches of Massachusetts.
We were right on the water.
And dude, there's nothing better than seeing that.
Being on the water and seeing some fucking storm coming in.
I mean, that's exciting shit.
Seeing the power of nature.
Right?
Watching some guy in a shiny fucking suit on your flat screen TV going,
a tropical storm is just touching.
It's like, buddy, I'm looking at what you're talking about.
This is like interactive weather channel type shit.
Dude, how smart was Byron Allen?
Byron Allen in general.
How smart is that guy?
One of the people I looked up to in this business.
Anytime I see a performer that somehow figures out how to get on the other side
of the desk,
you know, and actually do well on that side, the business side.
There's a bunch of people out there, but he's on my Mount Rushmore people that
did that.
And that guy bought the weather channel.
I mean, how brilliant is that?
You know what I mean?
There's so many of these channels out there that they're just not going to
fucking last.
But the weather channel with global warming.
I mean, I'm looking at like you're going to see like a Will Smith, Tom Cruise
movie every fucking six months pretty soon
with the kind of weather that we're going to be getting.
And these fucking weather people on this channel, whatever you call them,
meteorologists, weather.
Hey, aren't you one of them weather people?
Meteorologists are going to become superstars.
They are going to be the Walter Cronkites and the Walter Cronkettes of the
future.
That's what we're all going to be watching is these meteorologists just sitting
there taking off their fucking glasses going.
I don't think this war with Mother Nature is winnable.
It's no longer winnable.
I don't know if global warming is going to kill all of us.
You know, I just don't want to be washed out to sea.
That's my thing.
Even if I'm immediately dead.
There's just something about floating out there and these little, not even
sharks, just those little fucking things coming up.
You know, taking a nibble.
You know, you'd have no pants on.
Like a sock, some shit, just fucking ass up and they fucking getting sunburned,
just floating there.
Waiting for nature to clean you up.
Clean up the whole memory of you.
Jesus, that's dark.
Anyway, so here's something that I learned going back east.
Other than I can't believe how much I miss Massachusetts and how lucky I was to
grow up there.
Is I realized, you know, Crocs, you know, those ugly ass fucking shoes that I
thought were made out of plastic.
They're actually made out of rubber.
I believe.
I think that's rubber.
I don't know what it is.
Maybe it's some sort of man-made shit.
I have no idea.
But they can actually shrink if you leave them in the sun.
And I shrunk my fucking Crocs.
You know, and the only way to get them back is you got to stick them in a
boiling pot of water for a minute.
And then take it out and immediately stick your foot in it, if you can fucking
handle it, to try to get them to stretch back out again.
But even then, they're never the same.
They're never the same.
You know?
It's like Mystic River.
When was the last time you saw that dude?
When was the last time I saw him?
In the backseat of that car back in 1974.
That's where my Crocs were.
They were in the back of that fucking car on that little shelf where if you had
like four kids, that kid laid across that one with no seatbelt on.
That's where they were sitting.
Driving off with some fucking pervert priest.
Yeah, so my wife was upset because they were a gift that she got me because
everybody else has Crocs and I did not want them.
I'm like, I'm not wearing those stupid fucking things.
I don't want them.
I have plenty of footwear.
I don't need them.
So, you know, you know how women are.
They always listen to you, right?
She goes out and she buys them anyways.
So then she buys me these things that I didn't want because now everybody has
them.
And it gives, you know, a cute sense of family, which I understand.
All right?
But I did say I didn't want them.
You know, I could go out and buy everybody a fucking Patriots hat.
My wife doesn't want to wear it.
Do I get sad?
I don't.
I just thought I needed to answer that for you.
I don't get sad.
I just, I understand.
I go, oh, you don't like sports.
Why would I force that upon you?
Some reason doesn't work the other way.
Would you like a pair of Crocs?
No, I would not.
Why?
Right there.
Right there.
You know, you're getting Crocs.
Why?
I don't know.
I'm just asking.
You don't have to get upset.