Name: I Can’t Relax and Nia Is Worried - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2021-08-30T01:40:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'I Can’t Relax and Nia Is Worried - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'I Can’t Relax and Nia Is Worried - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-30. Transcript available.

yesterday afternoon i had a little bit of a window because this because this is
the new me
now i realized that i'm i'm fucking i do too much hey bill you're doing too
much
why don't you fucking take it down a little bit yeah i'm a fucking lunatic
you could give me 24 hours off and i will before i even get my fucking foot
my pasty freckled foot out of bed i will think of things that will tie me up
until at least four
in the afternoon oh i got the whole day off oh maybe i'll do this and i'll do
this
that's what the fuck i do
because if i don't fill up the day then i have to sit there and be alone with
my own thoughts
that's what it is i always thought for years i was driven
i thought i was i thought i was an achiever i wasn't
i wasn't i was just depressed so i was trying to get away from it because like
all good german irish
people you're not going to sit there and live with your emotions you're going
to fucking run just in
front of them you know your emotions are like some overbearing dad that's
trying to live his sports
dream through you making you do road work at like five in the morning he's got
his head out the
window yelling at you and you're just trying to stay a little bit in front of
the car
so maybe the yelling doesn't sound so loud
that's what the fuck i've been doing
so i cannot tell you how hard it is for me to just sit down in an afternoon
and eat a sandwich with a bag of chips and an orange fanta and not reach for my
phone
like to just fucking sit there like i i i can't do it like i kept going okay
leave the phone alone
leave the phone alone and my hand like a fucking crackhead i'm just saying i
just go over and
fucking reach for the thing um yeah it's pretty wild man it's pretty wild
realizing you know i
always knew i was fucked up but like to realize i'm this fucked up this far
into it i mean who's
kidding who i'm like the 11th or 12th hole at this point
i didn't know i was gonna have to go back and fucking change all the mechanics
of my swing here
i had no idea i had no idea but no i had a great talk with my uh my wife after
we had a we had a
nice we had oh we had a nice one we had a nice one um yeah nice one but you
know i went for a walk
that's the new me i was like you know what i'm just i'm just gonna go for a
walk what am i gonna do
here you know what i mean this is like being at the dmv and expecting to get a
satisfactory answer
i just said you know i'm just gonna go for a fucking walk okay i'm just gonna
go for a walk
i'll listen to some music you know and i'll just keep walking until i don't
care anymore so you know
but two and a half three miles later you know i start turning around i start
coming back feeling
dehydrated yeah my organs shutting down you know prioritize whatever the hell i
was upset about and
i came in i just had this great conversation with my wife and we got on the
same fucking page so um
i don't know i'm gonna try to slow down a little bit if you can fucking believe
it
i've spent the last 30 years just working my ass off which has been fun and it's
been great but i'm
also realizing like do i want to be that laying on my bed what'd you do i
fucking i fucking worked every
fucking say fucking you know i don't i don't know what that i would like a few
more days of just
sitting down on a porch what the fuck is the purpose of having a porch if you
never sit on it
right i don't know i'm all over the place i stopped doing yoga
fucking shoulders fucked up again i just can't wait for this whole stupid
goddamn lockdown
to be over i don't even give a fuck anymore because like at this point when
they have like
a vaccine and people still don't want to take it it's at that point you just
got to tap out and be like
all right just you know people still thinking it's just a flu all right go out
and go get it then
i don't give a shit i've been vaccinated i don't give a fuck i'll just wear
like extra long turtlenecks
oh like that character and that stupid fucking not stupid legendary comic strip
what the hell was it
oh bazooka joe i thought it was that other one with jughead and all of them um
anyway sorry just
fucking empty in my brain here like fucking what is it almost 10 or 6 in the
morning um
i was watching some true crime with my wife last night i don't know why
she's like i think snl did a sketch about that how women like watching those
true crime shows
um
we just sit there we watch them we i swear to god so many of them we we don't
even agree with what
they came up with um as far as like who the fuck did it there was just some
fucking twisted people out there who like rather than breaking up with somebody
they kill them
i just like there were a lot of fucking psychos out there you know like who's
kidding who like
breaking up with somebody just fucking sucks and if you're listening right now
you know what i mean
like listen i had to break up with people in in my past and the thought
definitely went through my
head would be what if they just got into an accident and died so that i wouldn't
have to have this
conversation then you'd be like oh man i can't think that that's that's the
difference
what if psycho goes hey wait a minute right do you realize how psychotic you
are that you think
that killing somebody and then trying to get away with that is going to be
easier than just sitting
down with somebody and being like hey you know what i'm not happy
you know i thought this was love love but this was just more like friendship
love
and you know i want more than that and that's what you got to say you can't be
like i think you deserve
more oh don't pussy out then just keep your foot to the floor and be like i
want more than that
all right this is about me i love like you i like love you
that's not enough for me
you know i love my buddy but i don't want to marry him you know it's kind of a
love like that
that's the way you go you know what i mean like right now if you're listening
to this podcast and
you're on your way to home depot to buy a tarp because you think you're gonna
you're not gonna
get away with it just break up with them you lunatic you're gonna find somebody
else um
anyways well you know this is what happens when you go to bed watching one
murder show
murder story after another my wife i don't know what she said told me that she
likes to she
that she watches it because as a woman like you think that i guess you know
what would i do if i
was in this situation how to recognize these signs so i guess i kind of
understand that remember a long
time ago uh i had this thought like like as a man like you know when you watch
those behind the scenes
in prison you know and you see somebody going to jail you know and you put
yourself in that position
going how the fuck would i survive that
first thought how would i prevent from myself from becoming somebody's
boyfriend or getting gang raped
getting stabbed like that mindset that you go into i re finally realized one
day like oh you know what
women have to do that just leaving their house
considering there's so many guys out there that are stronger than them and are
psychos right so
i guess so she i guess that's she watches that show because she's trying to
learn what not to do or signs
i don't know if you listen to the beginning of this podcast i sound like i'm
out of my mind maybe
she's worried about me uh anyway we're gonna plow ahead plow forward after that
one uh