Name: People at Target and Giving up on Humanity - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2021-09-04T03:18:53.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'People at Target and Giving up on Humanity - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'People at Target and Giving up on Humanity - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-04. Transcript available.

Me and my wife went into a tag, and this lady in front of us, I swear to God,
she had on like these spandex, you know what I mean, just like outlining her
whole, you know, this lady, I don't know what she was, like 50, 60 years old,
had on spandex, and didn't have a long shirt hanging over it, and we're on an
escalator, so her old fucking ass is just in front of us.
And I gotta be honest with you, when I was a kid, you could not walk around, I
don't think you walk around like that, wait a minute, spandex came out in the
80s, I don't know, there's something about Target and those big superstores,
where just, I think people, there's just something about it, people don't think
about what they're wearing, like, like they just don't give a fuck, because I
know Walmart gets a ton of shit, like there was that website where people took
pictures of people going to Walmart, you know,
and that's what it became at, let's make fun of the people that go to the
Walmart, rather than let shit on the Walmart for putting everybody out of
business, so now they have, they don't have jobs, so now they dress like that,
and have to go to a superstore.
So anyway, we walk in there, and I am like such a fucking dad and married now
that I actually really enjoy Target.
I got another thing too, I use self-checkout now, I just don't give a shit.
There's something about watching people reject masks and vaccines that I just
quit now, it's like I'm not fighting any fight anymore.
I quit, all right, you win, I'm broken, I don't give a shit.
So my wife goes, you're going to, you're going out to self-checkout?
You never use self-checkout.
And I was like, I don't give a fuck anymore.
And I just walked over and I just started going, hi, did you find everything?
How was your experience today at Target?
Did you find everything you need?
I'm just scanning the dumb shit.
Then I go to stick my card in,
and it just doesn't tell you the fucking amount.
It's like another 15 fucking questions you have to answer.
And I started, I just went like, ah!
I yelled at the screen, and then my wife, you know, finished the whole thing.
But yeah, I let the flag hit the ground.
I know.
I now work as a cashier for free at Target and other amazing superstores.
I just, I gave up.
I don't know what happened.
I used to have the fight.
I just don't have the fight anymore.
I just don't give a fuck.
You know, I'm rooting for the virus at this point.
I'm just going to mask up.
And, you know,
I'm just accepting that the rest of my life, when I go out,
I'm going to have to put a fucking mask on.
Oh, who gives a shit?
Anyway, old Billy Biceps is fucking building up the shoulders, man.
Building up the shoulders.
I got to keep up with my son.
Kid is already strong as hell.
So, I'm doing the lat pull-down machine.
My left shoulder is feeling good.
And I'll tell you, anybody else who has shoulder problems, I got one of those,
you know, those foam rollers that you roll yourself out on that fucking kill,
right?
I also have, you can't have like these little exercise, not exercise balls.
What do you call them?
Little, those little, what do you call them?
They're like fucking, these little hard balls.
That's what she said, right?
They come in different sizes and different levels of hardness.
Am I still doing the Roman swipe read right now?
Anyway, I got a little red one.
Oh, Jesus.
The reference is here.
Do you, Bill?
You got a little red one?
Is it hard?
Hey, I fucking put it between the back, the wall and my back, and I'm able to
roll out my shoulder after each workout, and it hasn't been talking to me.
So, like I said, I got a little, I got this Atlantic City gig coming after the
flight.
I'm going to bring that thing along, hopefully.
It doesn't get picked when I go through the security line, because I was using
another one a while back.
For my legs, they're amazing to have.
I'll tell you what, what is underrated, as you get older, stretching and
getting a massage, or at least doing some sort of self-massage thing.
And not those fucking stupid guns that everybody gets.
Those things are useless.
You got to get yourself a Jedi masseuse.
All right?
And you got to keep going back to the same person, and then they know what your
problem is.
And then you get a game plan.
And then they try and work the shit out.
If you combine that with working out and stretching or whatever, you too can
look as good as I do.
No, I'm kidding.
I look fucking horrific.
You know?
Although, I've been getting along great with my wife lately.
Do you know what I did?
You know what I did recently?
And if you're a married guy, you got to do this every once in a while.
You got to have the I had it moment.
I've had it with this shit.
It's one of the few times a woman will listen to a man in a relationship.
It's when they hear the magic words, I've had it.
You know?
You can do your version, I've had it up to here.
Head up to her.
You can do it however you want to do it.
All right?
And the I've had it, I've found that, like, you know, you can't use it all the
time.
If every week you've had it, they know that you haven't had it.
Okay?
You just, you got to let shit build up and build up and build up and build up.
And then you, then you, then you, that's when you hit them with it.
You know what?
When, when they get mad at you and you, and you, and you stand your ground that
you've had it
and they're mad and they're making the face and you still don't give a fuck.
Then, then they know.
Then they know.
They're like, oh shit.
He has fucking had it.
I know this sounds stupid, but it actually works.
And me and my wife had a great fight.
And the, the end result is that we respect each other more and we've been
really nice
to one another and, uh, and we like each other again, you know, but the worst
thing
you can do is not say anything and then let the shit build up and then flip the
fuck out.
That doesn't work.
All right.
So I'm telling you right now, you gotta, you gotta, you know, I think I just
told Verzi
that today in our podcast, I think once every like 18 months you can say it,
you can just
be like, you don't have fucking had it.
This is what, you're not talking to me.
I, I, I, I'm talking to you and I'm talking to you and I'm letting you know I've
had it.
I've had it with this shit.
All right.
Enough.
Well, get, get, get, get, get, get, get, get, get, get, get, get, get, really,
really?
You're just going to keep, I don't, I don't, you know, have fun with that.
Have fun with that because in, in all of your shit, you're going to shoot back
at me.
There's my point sitting in the middle that is going to be dealt with.
You know why?
You know why?
Because I've had it.