Name: The Chatty Lady at the Superstore Story - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2021-09-06T04:15:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Chatty Lady at the Superstore Story - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Chatty Lady at the Superstore Story - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-06. Transcript available.

oh you know what i did i went over to this fucking you know mom and pop like
computer place
because i've needed to complete clean my computer screen for fucking ever and i
have the i have the
juice under the sink to do it i just don't have the proper towel or cloth so i
go over to the mom
and pop place because i don't want to go into a superstore right i don't want
to do it but so i go
over there and for like the fourth or fifth time i've tried to go over there it's
been closed
and i got out of the car and i started to have a meltdown i walked up it says
we're open but the
gates across it and i was like you know my mask on like are they fucking closed
oh you better be
fucking shitting me i read the hours they closed at whatever time you know it's
after i got there
and i was just like fucking and then i just stopped the old me would have been
i mean
people would be looking at me in the parking lot i brought it down
i was i literally said out loud i don't want to get mad about this
i walked to my car i'm not going to lie to you rather deliberately i got in my
car i counted to
10 and i said i have a beautiful wife i got two beautiful kids i got a splash
about pool i'm not
going to say it's a pool you do a cannonball you're going to break your tailbone
all right
but it is a pool i'm not bragging i'm not ashamed i'm just not 100 satisfied
with what it does
all right it's a giant it's a big bathtub
that's outside so i got in my car and i i drove away i said you know what fuck
it
i've tried four or five times this place i'm going to the superstore
okay so i go into the superstore and it is a superstore it is a store and it is
super it's amazing
you walk in there and there is so much shit you literally forget what you were
going to buy as
you're just grabbing shit off the shelf like a fucking grizzly bear
so i went in there got what i i you know i i i say to the lady i go yeah hi i
need one of those
cloths you know you know those cloth things you know it's the worst when you
don't know what the
fuck the name of it is it's like you know like when your computer screen gets
all dirty and then
you spray this stuff on it there's a special cloth and she starts yep yeah what
you want to do is go
to the computer section so i go where do i go she goes you go down there and
you hang a left right
and i look and it looked like it was at least a quarter of a mile like i was
standing next to shirts
and way at the end of this aisle i saw produce like that's how fucking big this
store was and i said
ma'am uh that's a long way down at what at what point what am i gonna see when
i go to make
my left here and she's like oh you're gonna see the greeting cards i and she
laughed she goes yeah go
to the greeting cards and make a left i say fine so i go down i make a left go
all the way down to
the end of the store and then i get to the fucking computer section and there's
just nobody there
so i was like okay and i start looking around chargers headphones gaming
systems
ipad accessories and i can't fucking find it and there's nobody there and this
is usually when i
would start flipping out talking about skeleton crews and this has nothing to
do with covid it has to do
with the fact that these fucking assholes have have one employee forever 10 000
feet of fucking
square space um and then i actually just thought like you know it'd be
hilarious if i just started
yelling like screaming like i was in pain if i just went like oh oh oh oh oh oh
oh
until somebody came over so what's the matter oh nothing there just wasn't
anybody here to help me
listen you know what we call those cloths you know just go right into it and
not even address that i
just did what i did so um i decided not to do that and instead i ended up i
came to the end of the aisle
and i saw somebody wearing the vest that was the same color as the sign so i'm
like they got to work
here right they had on the blue vest you know but it's la i'm like wait is this
a crip what am i
doing i don't want to say the wrong thing and and disrespect this person right
so i come up
and right as i'm going to do it some other lady comes walking in and does the
excuse me
like you know i was clearly closer like if this is a parking spot it was my
parking spot she took my
guy right another way i i would have been muttering behind my mask you know you
know me is this what
feminist want is this how feminist you are fucking fair world you know because
you're a
fucking woman you can do this shit because you know there's nothing i could
fucking do what i would
have done that shit but i didn't i just went oh she's going to ask questions
and she's a female
so there's going to be a lot of them and i'm just going to stand here until
this is over
and i stayed for about 90 of it i said excuse me and the guy fucking you know
he was done
actually because he went over and he helped me out and i found the fucking
thing i start wandering
around you know i grabbed the dishwashing liquid that i needed and and right
there i was done
you know but then i grabbed a couple of t-shirts you know nondescript you know
t-shirt right one of
those ones that when it wears out you don't give a fuck because it doesn't say
the thing you were
doing when you got it you know that's why i'm really big on t-shirts that don't
have anything on them
because i am no emotional attachment to them whatsoever like i've for the
longest time just
wanted to go through life dressed like malcolm young it just seems like you
know
it's the rock version of albert einstein where he just wore the same thing
every day
like malcolm young just had a fucking jeans a a colored t-shirt now nothing
written on it
and a jean jacket if there was a little bit of a breeze but that was it the guy
did that for 40
fucking years on the road and he seemed to do pretty good right um so anyway i
go all the way around
and i end up seeing i end up in the kitchen area and i see this little waffle
maker for like little
to make little mini waffles and my daughter absolutely loves waffles and when i
make them i
make them all like i'll fucking make waffles i don't give a shit what time of
day it is
all right she comes in she asked me if you know we have them for dinner i'll
have them in the afternoon
obviously for breakfast so i see they make these little mini ones my daughter
really likes you know
when i do the mixer she likes doing it herself you know mixing them up and
helping me out and
bringing the stool over and all of that so i'm looking at this going like how
adorable would it be
if i bought one of these little mini waffle maker things right i'm doing the
classic thing you
know what i mean it's funny as you move through one of those super stores it's
like going from one
neighborhood to another you know what i mean and it's not like the neighborhood
you want to be oh
it's bad neighborhood that's not what i'm looking for i'm looking for a waffle
maker okay i'm i'm seeing
i'm seeing glad uh what am i seeing here i'm trying to think what i said i'm
seeing bicycles i'm in the
wrong the wrong part of the store um so i take a picture and i sent it to my
wife and she laughed she
said i already bought it for her and normally that would have pissed me off
that's another thing
he said i'm not realizing how stupid how stupid i lived life i'd be like you
know yeah yeah i would
have been like yeah of course you did of course you did right of course you're
already fucking
because because you're fucking fucking buy everything right now we flipped out
i said no not doing that
not doing that okay it's adorable it's going to get her into cooking and one of
the nicest things you
could do for somebody is cook for him right so it's fine i don't care so anyway
i get all of this
shit right did i buy some i bought some food didn't i yeah i bought a little
thing of cookies i came in
there to get this fucking cloth and some dishwashing liquid i bought two t-shirts
i bought a bag of cookies
i know there was other shit i bought some sponges because you can never have
enough sponges
um two t-shirts sponges it's like that's fucking annoying christmas song
and the fucking cloth to wipe my computer right so i go up there and they got
the self
checkout i don't do that i'm like you i don't work for you
and if i do you're gonna fucking pay me so i'm standing in line and uh i get
behind this lady
and she is a chatty fucking kathy and the fucking dude working there is
engaging it's like stop
humoring her just get to the and i finally just say you know what fuck this
this is upsetting me i don't
want to get upset you know what i'm gonna go over to the self checkout fuck it
and i go over there
and i show up i just say fuck it and i start scanning shit and you know what i'm
scanning
shit and i hate to say this i enjoyed it i enjoyed it because i no longer had
to listen to that
fucking idiot running her goddamn yap trying to show how much personality she
has whatever the
fuck it is she was doing trying to win the the the most gregarious customer of
the day
fucking award never turned around this is the shit that pisses me like lack of
empathy that there's
people behind you that don't give a fuck about your story what they give a fuck
about is you shutting up
taking your shit out of your dumb little plastic fucking basket putting it on
the fucking counter at some
point she was looking in her phone she goes well if i can get that for less you
know i'm gonna what's
the number like she was gonna make a phone call i mean i didn't even know what
was going on so i go
over there and i'm scanning all of that shit i put it in the thing it took two
seconds it was a great
experience after all these years of fucking shitting on that thing i'm still
not 100 sold because i know i'm
working for free but i never thought the upside is i don't have to stand behind
some shithead running
their yap not giving a that there's now six people behind you right like you
ever drive down a street
and there's somebody just like they don't pull over to the side of the road
they just stop
and then you're behind them and they do like the wave around it's like you didn't
even inch over
you didn't put your blinker on you didn't put your hazard on you and then when
you beep at them
they have the nerd nerve to look at you like what what did i do what did you do
what did you do right
so long story short i do all of this i didn't snap had a great time
new experience self-checkout it wasn't as bad as i thought it got me away from
that broad it was gonna
piss me off i get home i unpack everything and as i'm unpacking it i'm like
wait a minute
where's the computer cloth with the little spray bottle i put it in the basket
i don't remember i
fucked up i don't know if it was in the bottom and i didn't see it
i don't know what it was but the main
fucking reason that i went to this goddamn superstore and ended up in a self-checkout
everything that i hate
i didn't fucking snap you know i didn't get upset in the fucking store right i
get home and i don't have
the thing the main reason why i went out i don't have that thing and guess what
i didn't give a
shit i said oh you got to be kidding me really my mother-in-law was over i said
do you believe i did
that and she laughed and i just said oh well i guess i'll go back to tomorrow
so there you go
there's hope now what's fun what i'm finding now is i tell the story where i
didn't get anger angry i
still have some i still had a lot of anger for that lady i would say you know
i don't know it's not that she's telling the story it's just that it's socially
unacceptable for
me to be like lady for the love of god there's six people behind you i i are
you hitting on the guy
just get a number what are you doing the you don't you're single aren't you i
bet you are
i fucking bet you are who the wants to stand around listen to that yap you
better lock something down
soon before your looks go lady i'll tell you that right now because nobody and
i mean i actually i can't
say that somebody does somebody's gonna look at her one day and have a little
mini heart attack
and just fall in love with her and they be what do you what do you what do you
what was it about her
i just i don't she just never shuts the up and i love everything the endless
stream of
that just comes out of her mouth it just it just it brings peace to my heart
like somebody is
gonna fall in love with that and i i need if i'm really gonna grow as a person
i need to respect that
the odds on me ever using uh self-checkout again i kind of liked it i kind of
liked it
uh i'm not gonna do self-checkout unless this is my new rule if you're running
your
fucking yap and you're not shutting up and the goddamn person behind the
counter is actually enjoying the
conversation i'm getting the i'm i'm i'm it i'm using i am using the self-checkout
because at this
point i hope you lose your job you know if you're in line in a superstore you
know glance over your
shoulder okay just see what's behind you and you know you don't have to but it'd
be nice if you just
shut the fuck up and make it happen the fucking yammering even when i pulled
out of the superstore
this fucking guy in front of me right he's got his card he sticks the card in
and then he gotta you
gotta scan the sales slip to show that you paid for something so you know the
parking's free and he's
fucking sitting there like he's waving a flag like somebody like you know you
ever see like when somebody
like uh you know the end of a drag race an illegal one there's somebody like or
waves the flag to
fucking get you going he's waving the receipt like that i can't pick it up and
i'm just sitting there
looking at his dumb hand connected to his stupid arm connected to that body
that has that
fucking hard drive sitting right on the top of his head i don't know how many
gigabytes but the
guy i'm not a computer guy but it just was you know remember how big and thick
the old
fucking laptops were that's what his fucking head was like and i'm just sitting
there looking at this guy
and he finally gets it to work
and i'll tell you i pulled up the gate barely went down i stuck the card in i
stuck the thing out
the the the the thing for my shit and i left half it in the goddamn basket
is i'm calling this guy a moron it went right back up again and i can't even
tell you how superior
i felt in that moment a fucking idiot all right peoples i'll talk to you on
monday

The Chatty Lady at the Superstore Story - Bill Burr

oh you know what i did i went over to this fucking you know mom and pop like
computer place
because i've needed to complete clean my computer screen for fucking ever and i
have the i have the
juice under the sink to do it i just don't have the proper towel or cloth so i
go over to the mom
and pop place because i don't want to go into a superstore right i don't want
to do it but so i go
over there and for like the fourth or fifth time i've tried to go over there it's
been closed
and i got out of the car and i started to have a meltdown i walked up it says
we're open but the
gates across it and i was like you know my mask on like are they fucking closed
oh you better be
fucking shitting me i read the hours they closed at whatever time you know it's
after i got there
and i was just like fucking and then i just stopped the old me would have been
i mean
people would be looking at me in the parking lot i brought it down
i was i literally said out loud i don't want to get mad about this
i walked to my car i'm not going to lie to you rather deliberately i got in my
car i counted to
10 and i said i have a beautiful wife i got two beautiful kids i got a splash
about pool i'm not
going to say it's a pool you do a cannonball you're going to break your tailbone
all right
but it is a pool i'm not bragging i'm not ashamed i'm just not 100 satisfied
with what it does
all right it's a giant it's a big bathtub
that's outside so i got in my car and i i drove away i said you know what fuck
it
i've tried four or five times this place i'm going to the superstore
okay so i go into the superstore and it is a superstore it is a store and it is
super it's amazing
you walk in there and there is so much shit you literally forget what you were
going to buy as
you're just grabbing shit off the shelf like a fucking grizzly bear
so i went in there got what i i you know i i i say to the lady i go yeah hi i
need one of those
cloths you know you know those cloth things you know it's the worst when you
don't know what the
fuck the name of it is it's like you know like when your computer screen gets
all dirty and then
you spray this stuff on it there's a special cloth and she starts yep yeah what
you want to do is go
to the computer section so i go where do i go she goes you go down there and
you hang a left right
and i look and it looked like it was at least a quarter of a mile like i was
standing next to shirts
and way at the end of this aisle i saw produce like that's how fucking big this
store was and i said
ma'am uh that's a long way down at what at what point what am i gonna see when
i go to make
my left here and she's like oh you're gonna see the greeting cards i and she
laughed she goes yeah go
to the greeting cards and make a left i say fine so i go down i make a left go
all the way down to
the end of the store and then i get to the fucking computer section and there's
just nobody there
so i was like okay and i start looking around chargers headphones gaming
systems
ipad accessories and i can't fucking find it and there's nobody there and this
is usually when i
would start flipping out talking about skeleton crews and this has nothing to
do with covid it has to do
with the fact that these fucking assholes have have one employee forever 10 000
feet of fucking
square space um and then i actually just thought like you know it'd be
hilarious if i just started
yelling like screaming like i was in pain if i just went like oh oh oh oh oh oh
oh
until somebody came over so what's the matter oh nothing there just wasn't
anybody here to help me
listen you know what we call those cloths you know just go right into it and
not even address that i
just did what i did so um i decided not to do that and instead i ended up i
came to the end of the aisle
and i saw somebody wearing the vest that was the same color as the sign so i'm
like they got to work
here right they had on the blue vest you know but it's la i'm like wait is this
a crip what am i
doing i don't want to say the wrong thing and and disrespect this person right
so i come up
and right as i'm going to do it some other lady comes walking in and does the
excuse me
like you know i was clearly closer like if this is a parking spot it was my
parking spot she took my
guy right another way i i would have been muttering behind my mask you know you
know me is this what
feminist want is this how feminist you are fucking fair world you know because
you're a
fucking woman you can do this shit because you know there's nothing i could
fucking do what i would
have done that shit but i didn't i just went oh she's going to ask questions
and she's a female
so there's going to be a lot of them and i'm just going to stand here until
this is over
and i stayed for about 90 of it i said excuse me and the guy fucking you know
he was done
actually because he went over and he helped me out and i found the fucking
thing i start wandering
around you know i grabbed the dishwashing liquid that i needed and and right
there i was done
you know but then i grabbed a couple of t-shirts you know nondescript you know
t-shirt right one of
those ones that when it wears out you don't give a fuck because it doesn't say
the thing you were
doing when you got it you know that's why i'm really big on t-shirts that don't
have anything on them
because i am no emotional attachment to them whatsoever like i've for the
longest time just
wanted to go through life dressed like malcolm young it just seems like you
know
it's the rock version of albert einstein where he just wore the same thing
every day
like malcolm young just had a fucking jeans a a colored t-shirt now nothing
written on it
and a jean jacket if there was a little bit of a breeze but that was it the guy
did that for 40
fucking years on the road and he seemed to do pretty good right um so anyway i
go all the way around
and i end up seeing i end up in the kitchen area and i see this little waffle
maker for like little
to make little mini waffles and my daughter absolutely loves waffles and when i
make them i
make them all like i'll fucking make waffles i don't give a shit what time of
day it is
all right she comes in she asked me if you know we have them for dinner i'll
have them in the afternoon
obviously for breakfast so i see they make these little mini ones my daughter
really likes you know
when i do the mixer she likes doing it herself you know mixing them up and
helping me out and
bringing the stool over and all of that so i'm looking at this going like how
adorable would it be
if i bought one of these little mini waffle maker things right i'm doing the
classic thing you
know what i mean it's funny as you move through one of those super stores it's
like going from one
neighborhood to another you know what i mean and it's not like the neighborhood
you want to be oh
it's bad neighborhood that's not what i'm looking for i'm looking for a waffle
maker okay i'm i'm seeing
i'm seeing glad uh what am i seeing here i'm trying to think what i said i'm
seeing bicycles i'm in the
wrong the wrong part of the store um so i take a picture and i sent it to my
wife and she laughed she
said i already bought it for her and normally that would have pissed me off
that's another thing
he said i'm not realizing how stupid how stupid i lived life i'd be like you
know yeah yeah i would
have been like yeah of course you did of course you did right of course you're
already fucking
because because you're fucking fucking buy everything right now we flipped out
i said no not doing that
not doing that okay it's adorable it's going to get her into cooking and one of
the nicest things you
could do for somebody is cook for him right so it's fine i don't care so anyway
i get all of this
shit right did i buy some i bought some food didn't i yeah i bought a little
thing of cookies i came in
there to get this fucking cloth and some dishwashing liquid i bought two t-shirts
i bought a bag of cookies
i know there was other shit i bought some sponges because you can never have
enough sponges
um two t-shirts sponges it's like that's fucking annoying christmas song
and the fucking cloth to wipe my computer right so i go up there and they got
the self
checkout i don't do that i'm like you i don't work for you
and if i do you're gonna fucking pay me so i'm standing in line and uh i get
behind this lady
and she is a chatty fucking kathy and the fucking dude working there is
engaging it's like stop
humoring her just get to the and i finally just say you know what fuck this
this is upsetting me i don't
want to get upset you know what i'm gonna go over to the self checkout fuck it
and i go over there
and i show up i just say fuck it and i start scanning shit and you know what i'm
scanning
shit and i hate to say this i enjoyed it i enjoyed it because i no longer had
to listen to that
fucking idiot running her goddamn yap trying to show how much personality she
has whatever the
fuck it is she was doing trying to win the the the most gregarious customer of
the day
fucking award never turned around this is the shit that pisses me like lack of
empathy that there's
people behind you that don't give a fuck about your story what they give a fuck
about is you shutting up
taking your shit out of your dumb little plastic fucking basket putting it on
the fucking counter at some
point she was looking in her phone she goes well if i can get that for less you
know i'm gonna what's
the number like she was gonna make a phone call i mean i didn't even know what
was going on so i go
over there and i'm scanning all of that shit i put it in the thing it took two
seconds it was a great
experience after all these years of fucking shitting on that thing i'm still
not 100 sold because i know i'm
working for free but i never thought the upside is i don't have to stand behind
some shithead running
their yap not giving a that there's now six people behind you right like you
ever drive down a street
and there's somebody just like they don't pull over to the side of the road
they just stop
and then you're behind them and they do like the wave around it's like you didn't
even inch over
you didn't put your blinker on you didn't put your hazard on you and then when
you beep at them
they have the nerd nerve to look at you like what what did i do what did you do
what did you do right
so long story short i do all of this i didn't snap had a great time
new experience self-checkout it wasn't as bad as i thought it got me away from
that broad it was gonna
piss me off i get home i unpack everything and as i'm unpacking it i'm like
wait a minute
where's the computer cloth with the little spray bottle i put it in the basket
i don't remember i
fucked up i don't know if it was in the bottom and i didn't see it
i don't know what it was but the main
fucking reason that i went to this goddamn superstore and ended up in a self-checkout
everything that i hate
i didn't fucking snap you know i didn't get upset in the fucking store right i
get home and i don't have
the thing the main reason why i went out i don't have that thing and guess what
i didn't give a
shit i said oh you got to be kidding me really my mother-in-law was over i said
do you believe i did
that and she laughed and i just said oh well i guess i'll go back to tomorrow
so there you go
there's hope now what's fun what i'm finding now is i tell the story where i
didn't get anger angry i
still have some i still had a lot of anger for that lady i would say you know
i don't know it's not that she's telling the story it's just that it's socially
unacceptable for
me to be like lady for the love of god there's six people behind you i i are
you hitting on the guy
just get a number what are you doing the you don't you're single aren't you i
bet you are
i fucking bet you are who the wants to stand around listen to that yap you
better lock something down
soon before your looks go lady i'll tell you that right now because nobody and
i mean i actually i can't
say that somebody does 