Name: L.A. to Philly Vintage Plane Flight Story - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2021-09-09T05:35:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'L.A. to Philly Vintage Plane Flight Story - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'L.A. to Philly Vintage Plane Flight Story - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-09. Transcript available.

coming in at number six is philadelphia pennsylvania now god damn it you would
think
if you were the sixth largest fucking city in the united states that when i
take a non-stop flight
from fucking los angeles to philadelphia i could get a plane that was a little
newer than the one
that i flew on that i swear to god will smith sat on that thing when he went
out to go test for the
fresh prince of bel-air oh i'll tell you it was old i took the red eye right i
go on there played for
paid for a first class ticket because i'm a fancy man all right and i earned it
too god damn it i
spent the better part of two decades in the back of the fucking plane okay and
i can spot i can spot a
middle seater from a mile away when i'm sitting there in the terminal going oh
man that son of a
bitch i saw this guy like classic fat guy right giant fucking polo shirt like a
poncho hanging off
his gigantic torso with the cargo shorts on legs out in the eczema okay neck
pillow and i'm like that
that's got middle seat written all over it okay and he's gonna wait to get on
the fucking plane
you know what i mean like a miss like a murder mystery like a great whodunit
who's gonna sit
next to me you know maybe maybe somebody maybe somebody isn't gonna be on that
middle seat and
then you hear the stewardess go we have a very full flight please don't put all
your shit in the
overhead compartments everybody does anyway every way just try to have it be
your wheelies some douche
stuff in a jacket like two feet from her announcement just fucking stuffing it
in there right and by the
way this old ass plane the fucking intercom is on full blast i do the
impression but i'm gonna save
your ears just in case you have the headphones on full fucking blast so anyway
i get on the fucking plane
it's like those first class seats from like you know the 90s
the fucking leather chair all wrinkled that's lost its luster from all those
years as salesmen
fucking you know getting all boozed up and passing out in it you can't recline
it i had to sleep
sitting up paid for a first class ticket i don't give a fuck what you fly down
everything has to sleep
seats if you're up front right i have a big fucking head i got a goddamn snow
globe sitting on my shoulders
i got an actual globe who's kidding it's a moon that fucking goes around the
planet of jupiter right
i'm fucking trying to sleep all night and my head keeps going forward fucking
waking me up and then i
got to go back you know and you know i like the design of an airplane how it
works because it's designed
to fly it's not designed to sleep on like anything you try to do in one of
those old school seats or
if you're in you're a poor bastard in the back of the plane i'm gonna tell you
right now i root for
all you guys you know i'm rooting for that fat guy with the leg eczema to
fucking you know lose the
weight i root for people i make fun of people but i root for them okay and that's
how i justify
what a cunt i am so anyway it's like okay this isn't comfortable what if what
if i lean my head
on the side of the fuselage and it's just far enough that it makes the other
side of your neck stretch
out right you're like fuck i can't do that all right what if i open the tv tray
up right tv tray
the fucking the food tray what if i you know when i put my my head down on my
desk you know like back
in the day when the teacher had enough of you we're gonna have silence and she'd
shut the lights off in
the room everybody put their heads down in the desk then you put your head down
you'd be peeking at
your friend he'd be making fart noises with his fucking hands remember right
fucking laughing your
ass off next thing you know you're staying after school to clap the erasers um
you go to put your
fucking head down on that it's just close enough to your body where you feel
like you're gonna fold
your spine in half and at just some point you just look over to the person
sitting next to you who has
a neck pillow that you've made fun of the entire time you've ever seen him and
you're like you know
what that was the move i wish i bought a neck pillow i only bought one my
entire time my entire time
flying out in the back i only bought one neck pillow it was blue to bring out
my eyes and uh i only used it a
couple of times and i it just took up too much space you know because i don't
give a fuck how long i'm
going out on the road i never check a bag unless i go on vacation with my wife
and then she's always
like we're gonna go swimming you should bring you flip-flops have a bathing
suit bring you goggles
okay cool but what if we want to go out to dinner one night you know maybe one
night we'll get a sitter
you and i could go someplace really nice try and reconnect maybe you should
bring like a sport coat
or something all right okay i'll do that now what if on one of these days what
if it rains what if it
rains you should have a raincoat and just you know i can't fit all this in a
little bag well you should
bring your bigger bag just bring your bigger bag i'm telling you just do it you'll
have all kinds of
options everything's going to be great just trust me trust me on this one
because i'm checking a bag
too so you're going to be waiting there anyway why you know what how much long
is it going to take
just to wait for your bag and i always go okay and then you know what happens i
go on vacation and
every day i wear the same pair of sweatpants and t-shirt every fucking day you
know and half the shit
stays fucking sitting in the bag and i think to myself you know what i could
have just brought the
smaller one but she made a great point that i would have been waiting for her
anyway so who gives a
fuck right i'll tell you who gives a fuck the guy who had to pick the bag up
and put it on the plane
blows out his fucking lower back um so whenever i travel alone whenever i
travel alone i there's no
fucking way i'm prolonging this experience here at the goddamn airport i want
to get the fuck out of
here so um anyway
i get on the fucking plane and i i think i actually slept for most of it still
but like
why doesn't philly like they've always had just shit flights i remember before
american took over that
i guess non-stop us air had it and jesus they had the even shittier planes
you know what i mean so i don't know next time i'll just fly into fucking i don't
know where
dc or newark
newark was like underwater like they meant uh the vibe here in new york city
the vibe in new york city has really fucking changed it's gone back like
after this pandemic you can just you know a lot more trash a lot more fucking
homeless people and shit
i guess the liberals had to change some sort of gun law
looking out for people's human rights you know which is never a bad thing but i
guess it makes it
easy to walk around with the guns so violence is up
i was told to keep my head on a swivel
now i don't like any of that that that's
allegedly happening happening in new york but what i'm hoping it's going to do
is make the crowds a little bit better than they were when i was here two years
ago
doing the pete davidson movie
you know when it was at the literally the height
of the phony woke white person
i am woke because i bestowed that title upon myself
i said that i am woke therefore i am woke