Name: Bill Burr vs. The Ocean - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2021-09-21T02:00:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr vs. The Ocean - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr vs. The Ocean - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-21. Transcript available.

Old Billy fucking Twinkle Toes is gonna go work out now.
I'm sorry, I don't know a third word for that same thing.
Who gives a fuck?
Let's talk about the ocean, everybody.
Paul Verzi, the whole week, has been trying to get me to go swimming in the
fucking ocean.
So he does the usual thing about, like, you know,
you actually have a greater chance of being struck by lightning
than you do of getting eaten by a shark.
Enjoy the water.
All right, first of all, who wants to be struck by lightning?
Both of those things are horrible things.
You know, that's like, you know, you have just as great a chance
of getting unwillingly fucked in the ass as you do as being lit on fire at a
fireworks show.
And it's, I know that stat isn't true, but I'm just saying,
both of those things are horrible.
All right, I really should have thought this through more,
but I'm too far now and I'm not hitting a race.
Yeah, that whole bullshit, you have a greater chance of getting struck by
lightning
than getting eaten by a shark is fucking bullshit when it comes to me.
It isn't, because I'm never going to get struck by lightning,
because when it's thundering out, I go inside.
Okay?
When I step into the ocean,
I have now walked into the room
where all the sharks that ain't at SeaWorld
or some fucking aquarium are at.
So don't give me that bullshit.
I have zero percent chance of being struck by lightning.
I don't go outside when there's lightning.
Walking into the ocean where the sharks are
is the same thing as if it was lightning out
if I put a fucking, I don't know,
some sort of metal hat on
and just walked out there.
So go fuck yourselves with that.
Not to mention, I go out,
I don't go in the ocean.
I frolic.
I frolic along the beach.
That's where I go.
You know?
That's where I go.
It takes me back to the old joke
I used to do in my act
where people were like,
you know, 90% of shark attacks
actually happen in shallow water.
And these fucking idiots think you're safer
if you're in deep water.
It's like, dum-dum.
That's where the people are.
It's called the beach.
90% of people that are in the ocean
are at the fucking beach.
Okay?
And then you got the people
that like to scuba dive
and swim into caves
and get certified,
you know, and break records
holding their breath
and doing all of that craziness.
That's a whole other human.
All right?
Those people who watched Aquaman too many times
and now they want to go live it.
Talking to fish.
Tuna.
Swordfish.
Yeah.
So I go into the fucking ocean
frolicking with my kids,
you know,
having a good time,
skipping around.
Zinc oxide on my cute little button nose.
Right?
And all of a sudden
I feel something nibbling at my foot
and I look down.
It's like this little fucking crab
like the size of my thumb
coming up like,
hey, this is my territory.
So I give him a little kick,
you know,
you know,
I put on a show.
I make sure the sand
at the bottom comes up.
You know what this guy,
this fucking thing
jumped up in the air
like Jordan
and just had its claws out.
No,
it was like Ralph Macchio
and the karate kid
that just fucking went up in the air
like,
let's do this.
And I'm just looking at this little shit
like I could just crush you
and even you want to fight.
You know why that crab is like that?
Because it knows
where it is.
Okay?
It's in the fucking ocean.
The thing about the ocean,
what I love about the ocean
that lulls all these fucking,
these goddamn
sea lion looking people
with their rolls of fucking jelly
coming down the fucking beach.
What I love about these people
is these same people
wouldn't,
you know,
would you walk into the jungle
barefoot wearing
a pair of shorts?
If there were bears,
tigers, lions,
wherever the fuck you were at,
right?
I guess a bear lives
in the forest.
I don't know,
is that like the suburbs
of the jungle?
I live in the forest.
I just got sick
of the jungle.
Too much murder,
you know,
too much crime.
Just came out here
where the air is
a little fresher.
Less hunters.
Yeah,
that's what you do
when you go into the ocean.
You're basically walking
into a jungle
that's underwater
that has a bunch of shit
in there that could
fucking kill you,
including the water.
When you walk
into the jungle,
can the air kill you?
Does the air
all of a sudden
start moving
in a direction
that drags you along
and you've got to be like,
okay,
I can't breathe
right now.
Maybe I'll,
I just need to like
sort of swim,
walk parallel to this
until I can fucking
breathe again.
Yeah,
so I know you guys
enjoy the beach.
I'm not saying
don't enjoy the beach.
I'm just saying
start coming at me
with your dumbass
fucking stats.
All right?
I know what I'm
dealing with here.
Jacques Cousteau's kid
got killed
by a shark.
Who knew more
about the ocean
than Jacques Cousteau?
Nobody.
So I'm not listening
to you
and you stupid,
I googled
chances of,
hey theory,
chances of shark attack
and then you're
going to come at me,
hey,
hey Bill,
enjoy the ocean.
That's what Versi
says to me.
Enjoy the ocean
as if he just
debunked
all of my fears.
All of a sudden
he's an oceanographer
because he talked
to the fucking
broad in his phone.
Whatever.
Having said that,
my daughter
wanted to go
in the ocean
so I put the floaties
on her
and I finally said
fuck it
and I went out there
and you know,
I enjoyed myself.
You know,
if you're into
swimming in dirty water,
I don't understand
what the problem is.
We got pools.
You can see
all the way
to the bottom.
The only chemical
in the pool
is to help
make the water cleaner
as opposed to
whatever the fuck
DuPont put
in the water.
The raw sewage
that people
haven't realized
just around the corner
that somebody's
dumping in there.
All right,
Bill,
we get it.
You don't like
the ocean.
I do like the ocean.
I also like the jungle.
I know I'm not
a part of it.
Actually,
is that really true?
I guess
if you go back
to caveman days,
I am part
of the jungle
and the forest.
Wow,
I just figured it out.
I'm a spineless caveman.
I'm a caveman
that wouldn't have
made it back
in the day.
Also,
I got to tell you,
I'm into those
fucking kayaks.
You know,
just kind of
going around,
but you got to make
sure you get a bigger
one.
You get one of the
small ones.
You don't realize
it's just for a kid.
You just sink down
to the bottom.
But I've been
watching people
cruising around
just off the coast.
I mean,
that looks better
to me.
Be above the water.
Some shark
comes over,
it bites,
you know.
Do you know
you have a greater
chance of being
struck by lightning
in a kayak
than you do
of getting bit
by a shark?
I would disagree
because kayaks
are made out
of plastic.
All right?
So is the helmet.
All right?
And then the
fucking ore
is made out
of plastic.
The handle
is made out
of wood.
I'm doing
all the things
I need to do
to avoid
lightning.
500 people
a year
get eaten
by shark
whatever the fuck
they said.
I don't give a fuck.