Name: Bill Loses It Over Cyclists - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2021-09-27T14:15:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Loses It Over Cyclists - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Loses It Over Cyclists - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-27. Transcript available.

Biker writing here. Dear anti-biker Bill, I am not an anti-biker. I am anti-staying
in the road
with a funeral procession of cars behind you. I'm just asking you fucking
ballet slipper-wearing
cunts to just move over a little. Don't you guys always yell, share the road?
Anyway, I've been an
urban cyclist in the People's Republic of Seattle for over 10 years and have
had hundreds of harrowing
encounters with cars, pedestrians, and other bikers. Yeah, I imagine the big
thing, rather
than getting run over, which is probably the worst, is people opening their car
doors after
they park. I've had people do that to me when I'm driving a car. There are
idiots and or
thoughtless individuals doing everything, but most of us, or at least half of
us, okay, some
of us are just trying our best. Dude, I saw this morning, I came down my
fucking street,
and right as I'm getting to the, you know, to be able to turn onto the busy
street, I see literally
20 cyclists in a row go by, all right? And here's the deal. They all had these
little flags in the back
of their cars, their bikes. They all had helmets on, and they were dressed in
regular clothes. And guess
what they did? They rode on the side of the road, and there was no problem
getting past them. And I was
thinking like, yeah, that's how, that's how people used to do it. It's the new
thing where you go all
the way out in the road. All right. As you alluded to by saying people in
regular clothes are usually
good shits. Your empathy is admirable as always. Oh God, I think he set me up
here. The people in
Tour de France, Tour de France, Tour de France, I always say it, gear, taking a
lane just because
they're assholes, and I abhor them too. Oh, look at this. But sometimes you
have to take the lane. It's
safer than riding in the door zone next to parked cars. Okay, that's fair
enough. So if there's no
parked car, then I can be upset. Here in Washington, we adopted the Idaho stop
last year. Yeah, I looked
this up. In California, cyclists has to come to a full stop at stop signs and
red lights, which evidently
none of them know that. Here in Washington, we adopted the Idaho stop last year,
which puts into law that
cyclists can treat stop signs as yield signs and stop lights like stop signs,
which means you'd have to come
to a complete stop, look both ways, and if it's safe, you can go. They've been
doing this in Idaho since
the 80s, and it has proven to decrease traffic for motor vehicles and bikes
alike, as well as reducing
collisions and fatalities. Well, then that's good. Then I'm all for that. It's
also how most bikers
behave anyway. Furthermore, cyclists have killed exactly zero people, not
including themselves, by
running traffic lights. Well, dude, that's the point. That's the point, is that
you're going to run the
light, and then somebody's going to come the other way and then kill you, and
then for the rest of their
life, they have to deal with the guilt of that. So because they don't kill
anybody, that they should
be allowed to ride out in front of people and then get themselves killed, and
then the person has to
fucking live with that? I don't know. Whereas over 38,000 people die in car-related
crashes per year
in America, so the onus is on them to be more cautious. Wow, dude, you really
took a leap there. Okay.
I would tell you this, buddy. I am way more cautious if I was to be riding a
bicycle down the street,
knowing that there's cars and people texting. So I don't think that riding
around, maybe you're not
saying this, but it sounds like you're saying that riding around, well, it's
not my job to be more
careful. It's those people's jobs because they could kill me. I feel like if
you're the person that could
get killed, you should be extra careful and not blowing through red lights and
stop signs, even if
it fucking, you know, reduces traffic, which is not why you guys do it. You do
it because you don't
want to fucking take your little dancing slipper out of the fucking hook on the
thing there or whatever.
Anyway, I hope this wasn't too long. Now finish your kale and watercress nut
smoothie. That actually
sounds yummy. After my fucking goddamn foray into fast food last night, get
your pasty fat ass on a
bike and go for a ride. No, dude, you wouldn't, you wouldn't catch me on a
fucking bicycle. I just,
there's no fucking way. There is, I'll ride a bike bicycle at a beach where
there's like a
fucking bike lane. I'll do that. But there's no fucking way I would ever be
dumb enough to ride a
bike down the street where the cars are, let alone dress up like I'm riding in
a bike race. Who wants
to die dressed like that? Was this guy in a triathlon? No, he was going to the
post office.
People sponsor that? No, these people, he's just giving, he's just, he's just
free advertising.
Um, anyway, all right, I'm going to stop being a cunt. I get it. It's, it's
better for the
environment if people ride bikes and all of that stuff. So I respect cyclists,
but can you just,
can, if this, if there's only one lane and you're right in the middle of it, is
there any way you
could just fucking move over for half a second? And if somebody gives you a
little peep just to let
them know that they're not give them the fucking finger, you know, can you just
fucking do that?
And I have even brought up when like, when that sea of angry kids all decide
that they're all going
to ride bikes down the street and they get super aggressive and start yelling
at you as you're
sitting in your car. Like, I don't know what I did. Just, I'm just trying to
get where I'm going,
you know, just like a bunch of kids who were never hugged by their parents
riding by in this mob
and then deliberately stopping traffic. Like this is a protest against what?
What? Yeah. Your parents
who didn't fucking hug you. All right. Let's see what those protests are all
about before I make
another bigger fool of my bike swarms, uh, I spelled it wrong. Bike swarms, swarms
of dragonfly. What do you
write? Bike gatherings, stopping traffic, block while riding group riding the
legal aspect? Oh,
wait a second. Come on. This is a whole fucking, it's a whole new world out
here. All right. Blocking.
Oh, this is what I I've wondered about is this, this is probably legal. Uh,
whenever taking to the road,
safety is often at the forefront of our mind. Come on, buddy. Just get to the
fucking point. This
is like one of these fucking stuff. It's like one of these fucking, you know,
you look up, you know,
how to, how to make a cinnamon French toast, you know, cinnamon French toast.
The people really
don't know where the origin is. I don't care where it is. It's called French
toast. I'm guessing
it's from France. If it isn't, I don't care. Just tell me the ingredients,
please. Um,
never taken to the road. Safety is often at the forefront on riders minds,
maybe even more so
when riding in a group, staying together through this literally so much
advertising. I can't even
read the words here. Staying together on a long ride can be challenging when
maneuvering through
city streets and intersections. One solution motorcyclists have found is blah.
Oh, this is
motorcycles. It's a whole other fucking can of worms. Um, I wonder what had
happened if we all
switched to fucking bikes. There's no way you could ever do it. I mean, people
won't even put on a
fucking mask for three minutes to walk into a seven 11 to buy some beef jerky
without feeling like
they're living behind the Berlin wall and pouting and, and, and Gronk spiking a
gallon of milk.
I love when people do that. And then what am I supposed to clean that up? Is
that what I'm
supposed to do? You fucking baby, all those phony patriots. I love all those
people with the American
flag in their front yard and they act like they're a Patriot. You're just a
selfish cunt.
That's all I'm, that's all I'm really seeing in all of this. Okay. You're a
selfish cunt.
You just want cheap gas and you don't give a fuck how many babies have to die.
But when it comes time
for you to step up and do the right thing for your country, man, all of a
sudden, you know,
Oh, I don't trust the government. Uh, love it or leave it. Um, anyway, it's
time for California
legalize the safety stop. I'm not reading any of this shit. I'm not reading any
more of this crap.
Um, all right. Where the hell am I? This is what happens when I don't copy and
paste my stuff here.
All right.