Name: Unwanted Pussy Solution - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2021-10-05T14:31:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Unwanted Pussy Solution - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Unwanted Pussy Solution - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-05. Transcript available.

All right. Unwanted pussy solution. Hey, Billy bitch tits. I don't know why
that's so funny.
Bitch tits is just hilarious. And then you get the alliteration in there. Billy
bitch
tits. You know what I sound like right now? I sound like one of those guys on
the food
show. You know, when they break down the food. Oh, so you got the savory and
then you got
the sugary and then it comes back to a savory fucking. Is that what you fucking
do? Okay.
So you put the onions in there and then you're going to caramelize it. All
right. Wait, you're
putting ice cream on that? Oh my God. Oh my God. It's delicious. Um, that's
what he
just did with Billy bitch tits. All right. I was listening to your podcast
where you mentioned
the unwanted cat in your driveway. Uh, my wife doesn't want it there. I love
that fucking
cat. Kind of ironic that you're looking to chase pussy away when you couldn't
get it, get
any for years, but I guess this is different. Oh Jesus. Well, the old badump
bump there, buddy.
You didn't even listen. You were so focused on your fucking joke. I guess I
said in the
end, I was worried that it was going to, you know, we had, you know, we had
birds, mother
bird, you know, not in a relationship, got knocked up, you know, she's fucking
horse.
Right. And she had her kids in the, uh, in the potted plant, you know, father
wasn't around
absentee father. It's terrible. And, uh, but that was the only time I didn't
like the cat
cause I was like, if that thing goes up there and kills those little birds in
front of my
daughter, they just see like a couple of bird heads there. Like they'll really
be traumatic,
but I love the cat. Okay. So with your little, did you see what I did there? Um,
any, anyhow,
what you need is a lie is lion shit. Serious nature reserves and zoos sell it
for this exact
purpose. The cat smells it, recognize it. Oh, lie. I thought you meant you need
some lion shit,
motherfucker. You meant literally lion shit. The cat smells it, recognizes it
as a superior
species and find some other poor schmuck's driveway to shit in. Dude, how big
is a lion shit? I mean,
that's gonna be fucking, that's like a year's worth of cat shit. Why would I do
that? I bought
some, Hey, this lion took a dump. You want to stick it in your driveway? First
of all, how does a
fucking domesticated cat from the United States of America know what the, the
apex predators shit
smells like in Africa? Is he going on travel.com on the fucking weekends? I
bought some from a
safari park here in the UK and it worked on my neighbor's cat doing the same
thing on my lawn.
Are you serious? Love the podcast. Stay off the donuts. Fuck the Patriots. Go
Steelers.
Well, I can see why you say fuck the Patriots if you're a Steeler fan, but you
know, where,
where, you know, Tom Brady left us. So I don't know where we are now. So I
imagine you can finally
beat us, but you know what? You'll always have to sit there and realize that
you never beat the
New England Patriots in a significant game when Tom Brady was here. You know,
like I didn't take,
you know, pleasure in when the Patriots beating the Steelers, when Terry Bradshaw
wasn't there.
It felt good when Ben Roethlisberger showed up though, because Ben is a man.
Ben is a man.
He rides a motorcycle without a helmet. God damn it. Um, all right, let's look
up lion dung
for sale. God, there's stuff. Oh my God. Get the fuck out of here. Predator pee,
mountain lion urine. Now does this do the same? Amazon sells mountain lion piss.
I mean, Jesus,
how many fucking people are they trying to put out of business? Can of tiger
poo. Oh my God.
Ah, that almost makes me gag. Can you imagine working at that fucking family?
It's like a dumb
shit joke, but seriously. Oh my God. Gross. I guarantee you human shit still
smells worse.
I mean, Patrice used to joke about that. How human shit, every other shit was
funny. If you stepped in
cow shit, you step in dog shit, horse shit, all of it, bird shit. All of it is
funny,
but the rankest, most nastiest shit out there is human shit. Uh, love it so
much. Okay. This is the
review tiger poo. Love it so much. Funny and kitschy addition to my dining room.
Oh, so this is, okay.
This is, this is a joke. Oh, okay. Love it. It was a huge hit. Put it on top of
my fridge
as a conversation piece. Boy, is it. Okay. So it's a joke. Okay. I was going to
say, my God,
it's just pictured somebody with a giant, like, you know, like an oar that you
row a boat with just
stirring fucking tiger shit. Predator pee. All right. Shop cat deterrent. All
right. Homemade
repellent. They're like, is this what you're looking for? Do you realize I
looked up lion shit and
then like, all right, buddy, why don't you just get these fucking things here?
Uh, no, no, no. Let's get
back to fucking mountain lion piss. Mountain lion urine. You can buy it on
Amazon. Predator
pee. Uh, well, wait a minute. There's a mountain lion in my fucking
neighborhood. Now, what if I
spray this shit and I go from a small cat I can deal with to a bigger fucking
cat? I can't go
mountain lion pee. This mountain lion thinks he has a chance. I got to go. I
got to go lion pee,
right? Mountain lion urine. Territorial marking scent creates illusion that a
mountain lion is
nearby. Reduce. Okay. Let's, let's see. Does mountain lion urine attract
mountain lions? Here
we go. It's right there. Somebody, uh, by liberally marking an area with
mountain lion pee, you duplicate
the territorial marking habits of mountain lions in the wire. This illusion
triggers an instinctive
response in prey. If mountain lion scent is around, these animals want to be
far away. But what about
mountain lions? What about mountain lions? Oh, Jesus Christ. Look at this
fucking rabbit hole you
asshole sent me down. Does mountain lion, yeah. Does it attract other fucking
mountain lions?
Predator odors attract other predators. Yeah. See, look at me. Openly common
sense here.
Predator odors attract other predators, creating an olfactory web of
information.
Many studies have reported the aversive reactions of prey towards a predator's
odor.
Urine. A behavior widely thought to reduce the risk of predation by the
predator. However, because odor
signals persist in the environment, they are vulnerable to exploitation and eavesdropping
by predators,
prey, and conspecifics. I have no idea what I'm reading right now. As such,
scent patches created by
one species might attract another species interested in information about their
enemies. We study this.
You know what? You know what? This is, this is classic white people shit where
I'm going to create an,
I'm going to solve a small problem by creating an even bigger problem. And a
very brilliant person
said to me one time said, human beings are the only people that don't adapt to
nature. They try to make
nature adapt to them. And we start fucking with the matrix. I'm not fucking
with the matrix.
Okay. I can deal with the house cat. I'm not fucking, fucking taking lion shit.
First of all, I couldn't even find it. Let me look it up again. Cause I know
the person who said,
well, I didn't say mountain lion pee. I said lion shit, lion poo poop for sale.
You can get it in
the UK. Oh God, you guys are fucking cultured out there, aren't you? All right.
The only true socially
big cat, lion poo for sale. You can't buy this shit. Watch German circus sells
giant,
sells jars of lion poop for gardening. At least they're recycling. Does lion
poo really keep cats
away? Here we go. Here we go. All right. If you have a beautiful garden that
you're proud of,
you probably spent a lot of time in that garden. In fact, you probably spend
most of the weekends.
What the fuck are we talking about your garden for? Oh, Jesus Christ. Okay. All
that being said,
there are also times when gardening can be, get stressful. This is especially
true if you are
battling cats or other small animals. I didn't know cats fucked up gardens.
These mammals not only like
to get into the garden and eat your plants and flowers, but they like to leave
you little presents
everywhere in the form of scat. See that? I think there's a reason why cat is
in the word scat.
Now, one might think that animal scat is a good fertilizer, but that isn't the
case at all.
In fact, it might. Well, then how are you talking about a garden?
Lion poo. The first thing you know is that lion dung is solid online is solid.
Lion dung is sold online in pellets. And there are a number of individuals that
have boasted about this
product. Everything it has to offer. Why lion poo might work. Why lion poo
might not work.
You know what, dude? This is too early in the process. I'm not going to be a guinea
pig
and fucking have some lion poo with some goddamn bear urine. And all of a
sudden, uh, you know,
I opened the door, you know, and whatever the ice sprayed out there, you know,
somebody's looking
for a suitor. It's not happening. Okay. Not in my world. All right. You can
take your fucking lion
poo. You can send it right back to the fucking jungle you found it in. Cause I
ain't going to buy it.