Name: A Day With My Kids - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2021-10-12T14:31:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'A Day With My Kids - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'A Day With My Kids - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-12. Transcript available.

Yeah, so I basically, I spent my day, whole day with my kids today. It was
awesome. And around midday, my wife took my daughter to her uncle's house for a
birthday party. So then I just spent like the rest of the afternoon with my son
and we had, we had the best frigging time.
First of all, my daughter out of nowhere just started telling me that she
wanted an apple pie. And I was like, you want an apple pie? And she's like, yes.
Dad, do you know how to make an apple pie? I was like, I do. I do know how to
make an apple pie. She goes, okay, can you make it tonight?
Like, well, I don't think we have enough apples here. So I, well, I need, can
you go to the store and, you know, tell me all that stuff. So for some reason
she told me she wanted it for breakfast. So I was like, all right. So I said,
okay.
I can't remember if I already told you guys this story. So I say to my wife,
like, all right, I got to go to the grocery store and get some apples and stuff.
And she's just like, Bill, you can't keep doing this instant gratification.
They're going to, you know, you're going to spoil them and blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah. I'm like, you're right. You're right. You're right. Overcompensating
for the way I grew up.
Can I have an apple pie? No. What is it? Fucking Christmas. Oh, I was shut the
fuck up. Right. That's shit. So, um, yeah. So I try to fucking, you know, overcompensate.
I think I'm doing a good job because there's definitely a line.
It's definitely, I have a line, but my line is, it's, it's pretty far down the
road. Like you have to do, um, like, I can't think of anything that really upsets
me that my kids do.
Oh, they scream in my ear. That's what kills me when they're play fighting,
that screeching and my ears already ring because I got the fucking tinnitus
there.
I'll be like, Oh my God, just don't yell into my ear like that. So sometimes I
literally wear like earplugs from smart because they're going to be squealing
or whatever. So anyway, um, yeah.
So I'd made this apple pie and my son had it for the first time. It was just
like, he had like, like took a bite and he started had like, you know, two chews
of it.
And he just looks up at his big grin. Like, what is this? So, uh, when my wife
left, she said, I was like, all right, what, what should I give him for lunch?
She was like, Oh, you get something, you know, some fruit and a little bit of
this and that. If you want, you can have a dessert. You can have a little bit
of apple pie.
I'm like, okay, that's happening. So, uh, we hung out and did that. I was
watching football with him. He has a little bit of a cold, this fucking
lingering cold.
Whatever the hell this thing is, is that's going around. Um, so I took a steam
with the, you know, I took a steam with them the other day too.
Oh, I had one of the worst moments as a dad, uh, took a steam with him. He was
kind of wriggling around and everything.
I was like, I can't, you know, cause the steam's coming out, you know, I only
had him in the, you know, I had it turned down low just to get this stuff.
Cause kids don't know how to blow their nose. Right. So he had, he got up, I
ended up setting him down.
I wasn't even thinking, I'm like, okay, the steam's off. So he won't get burned
or anything.
And he fucking walked and he came, I know you guys know this. He fucking, he
was standing up and then he wasn't.
I turned away for two seconds to set this thing. What was he doing? He was, oh,
my wife had like some sort of spray bottle.
And he kept trying to get to, and he just fortunately landed mostly on his ass.
And then, but then he hit the back of his head, just ever so like, not bad. I
know that sounds horrible.
Oh, and he started crying. I felt fucking so bad.
Beat him, still beat myself up to that.
But it was like, it went from like the greatest moment, like taking a steam
with your son and some, you know, guy shit, right?
Hanging out. And, you know, he was enjoying it. He thought it was sort of
fascinating.
You know, the crap was coming out of his nose. And then after a while, it was
just kind of like, all right, this is too hot.
And then that's when I went to take him out. But then we did it again the next
day.
And I made sure that he didn't fall down. But Jesus, is there anything fucking
worse than when your kid gets hurt on your watch?
Oh my God. My wife's cool. She goes, don't beat yourself up about it. It
happens. Like he's falling out of the bed.
You know, when he, I, you know, I set him down, he rolled off out of the bed
and blah, blah, blah.
You know, they're resilient. They get back up and stuff. I was like, yeah, did
you feel good after it happened?
She's like, no, I go, all right, that's what I'm going through here.
But anyway, we did that. And then I took him for a walk through the
neighborhood, put him in the stroller and all that stuff.
And just had an awesome time with him. He's a really, really good kid. Likes
throwing the ball. He's strong as hell.
And I'm finding he's really, he's into music, which is really cool. Like he
makes a beeline.
Got this little toy piano thing. And he just makes a beeline for it. He loves
it.
And if I start playing, I got a little acoustic guitar. If I play a little bit,
just strum a few chords.
He has a big grin and he walks over and he listens and he reaches out. He wants
to try and play it. It's so fucking cool.
So we'll see. We'll see.
Worst case scenario, he's just a music lover. Best case scenario, we have a
drum battle, you know, or maybe he fucking picks up the guitar or whatever.
My daughter loves playing guitar. Who knows? Who knows?
I could jam with my kids. Can you imagine that? One plays bass, one plays
guitar.
Am I turning into Joe Jackson here? But I'm not, I don't want to put him on the
road.
I just want to fucking jam with them. Teach him an ACDC song. Highway to Hell,
that's an easy one, right?
Ah, fun days, fun days ahead.