Name: Can’t Sleep Because of Boyfriend’s Cat - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2021-11-03T14:08:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Can’t Sleep Because of Boyfriend’s Cat - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Can’t Sleep Because of Boyfriend’s Cat - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-03. Transcript available.

all right boyfriend's cat screams all night long all night all night um screams
all night long
hey bill i'm a 30 year old lady listener who's been dating my boyfriend now for
almost three years
uh you're 30 years old you've been dating for three years what the fuck's going
on with that
you know you don't get all day shit or get off the pot uh when we first got
together he would
stay over at my place eventually leading to moving in about a year into our
relationship he moved his
cat in as well oh god you're dating a man that has a cat all right he has had
this cat for
approximately 10 years and i can understand his attachment to the fiend his feline
friend yeah
that thing's going to live to be at least 17 years old cats fucking hang around
forever uh that said
ever since he moved her in she has proceeded to meow all night long and this is
not your regular
cat meow this is more like a screaming yow like someone is killing her he's
tried numerous things
to try to calm her and nothing seems to work i personally work in mental health
where my focus
and engagement is critical in working with people however i have not had a restful
night's sleep for
the better part of two years and it seems to be getting worse impacting my
abilities at work
what would you do in this situation signed sleepless in new mexico i'd fucking
break up with the guy
this guy's choosing his fucking cat over you fuck this guy
i'd break up with him i'd say listen either that fucking cat goes or you go
you know
why doesn't he pay to get some fucking cat whisperer to come in there
and figure out what that stupid fucking thing's problem is
all right i i would give him the option to do that or i would break up with him
that's what i would do okay and i would also look at yourself that what the
fuck is wrong with you
i don't mean to be an asshole that you would put up with this shit for two
fucking years like
like you need to put a value on yourself
and your night's sleep you know better part of two months
i can understand two fucking years of this shit
i mean i'm not even in your situation i can't even tell you how much i hate
that fucking cat
this fucking guy is choosing that cat over you
yeah fuck him
you know
you can go the passive-aggressive route you know
start fucking with the cat's food but i don't want to get into all the pita
people with that one
all right capital hill bill i'm just a bill
hey bill i'm a climate geologist for over 20 years of field work research and
five published books
all right yeah i know you wrote that sentence i don't know if any of that's
true
i'm a geologist first and foremost but i study the macro effects on climate of
climate on earth
do i really want to read the rest of this
the current climate crisis discourse has been dangerously hijacked by
corporations
who are looking to profit from it i will try and be brief and provide clear
examples
congress is about to pass a huge spending bill that's almost two trillion
dollars
and a significant portion of the bill's spending is meant to fight against
climate change
the problem is that most of the money is going to subsidiaries of oil companies
and other groups that have no identifiable role in meaningful change
why do they do this why would they do that
just i swear to god just is it really just greed self-preservation so they get
re-elected i don't know
no mention of uh tapering back on resources or creating standards to reduce the
need for a new iphone
chargers every year for reasons i cannot explain there's been a push to get
away from nuclear power
this makes absolutely no sense every time a plant gets shut down we rely more
on fossil fuels
in the last year there's been huge moves by members of the european union and
the u.s government
to stifle nuclear power research and innovation
so like oil companies the blue blood families from like the 1800s they really
just been running shit
for the better part of a century and a half
the u.s oil prices this year have gone completely backwards instead of
maintaining our own oil production
that can be overseen environmentally regulated and of course more beneficial to
the u.s economy
we're now relying even more on oil from overseas and empowering saudi arabia
and russia
with the fate of our resources i'm not an economist but i can confirm that over
the last 80 years
there's been a positive correlation between the low cost reliability reliable
energy and quality of
life for lower income brackets puerto rico is a great example of this their
quality of life has vastly
improved with reliable energy despite this u.s politicians have been lobbying
to shut down domestic
energy operations for no discernible reason other than the people that put them
in office told them
too imagine a career politician from new york having strong feelings about
where puerto rico gets their
energies it's so fucking evil nothing adds up with any of this i appreciate you
mentioning all the flat
screens that end up in the ocean yeah well i think like here's my positive spin
on that
is you can sit there and bitch about these fucking greedy politicians and these
corrupt corporations
or you can do something in your personal and the only way to do it is to combat
it with your own life
and
you know
as i'm sitting there bitching about you know liberals the way they treat southerners
maybe making them more
closed-minded i don't fucking know or you know maybe i could just be a nicer
fucking person
you know climate change maybe i could use less i could try to fucking recycle i
could try to you know
pay attention where it's going to take actually individuals getting involved in
in giving a shit
um and stop watching 24-hour news networks because if we all started doing that
they would then you know through corporate money start putting out false
stories about how doing that
is eroding at the fiber of this country
um
unbelievable why would you fuck with puerto rico
you know
beautiful people
beautiful place
i just i just don't understand it
never understand that
uh
why people do the horrible fucking things that they do but then again i'm also
a cunt so maybe you know
if i actually had political aspirations i'd be doing the same thing
who knows who knows this is all too fucking big for my little brain