Name: My E.T. Body - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2021-11-07T14:01:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'My E.T. Body - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'My E.T. Body - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-07. Transcript available.

How you doing? How's your life going?
Mine ain't going so good today.
Jesus Christ. You know, over the last, I don't know, three months,
I knew I was putting on weight and I kept saying,
step on the scale to see where you're at.
And I'm like, I don't want to see that number.
The dumb thing that's the stupidest thing you can do,
and I knew it! I knew it was a dumb thing to do!
You know, and I'd go on a hike here,
or I'd go do a little fucking, take a walk, some stairs there.
But every day, I was stuffing my fat, freckled face.
I stepped on the fucking scale.
1.89.
And that's only because I ate a cheeseburger
that just sat in my stomach like lead at like 3.30 the day before,
and I hadn't eaten in like 12 hours.
So I was probably like a buck 91.
Oh my God.
What am I doing?
So, my fighting weight is 171.
So I got like 20 pounds I gotta lose.
The people around me aren't helping me.
You go, really?
You know, you look fine to me.
You look great.
It's like, stop saying that!
Say it again!
I'll take my shirt off!
And then you fucking say it.
Say that again with a fucking believable look on your face.
So, I'm back on it.
I'm weighing myself every day,
and I'm gonna get back down to 171 where I need to be.
It's always fun the first day when you eat well,
and you work out, you know,
because you immediately drop like a pound or two,
which is what happened this morning.
I might have just been dehydrated or whatever.
So it was 187 when I got on the scale.
But now, after the first day,
then I feel like your body's just like,
oh, this is what we're doing.
Let's fucking pump the brakes here.
Let's put on the parking brake for the last fucking,
whatever, 16, 17 pounds.
So, yeah, so I gotta do this the right way.
I gotta, see, now I gotta make sure that as I'm dropping it,
it's fat and not muscle,
because then I'll get down to 171, you know,
and that's when you have the ET body,
you know what I mean?
Your arms are all skinny, your legs are skinny,
and then you have that little pot.
So I gotta make sure I have the,
you know, get plenty of protein and all that type of stuff,
which I know what I gotta do,
but I'm, I'm, I was pretty upset with myself yesterday
and on a low level upset with my wife
because she, I kept saying like,
am I, is it me, am I a fat bastard
when I wasn't weighing myself?
Because rather than just going in,
and she'd be like, Bill, you look great.
You look fine.
It's like, it's like, how does that help me?
If your wife says to you,
you know, you're looking a little chunky there.
You're a little chunky monkey there.
What's that?
The ice cream you've been eating.
You're looking like what the fuck you're eating.
I don't eat that shit, by the way.
I'm not into that one with the fucking bananas in it.
I like the fucking, the old school ice cream,
you know, where it was just sugar,
cream, whatever the fuck is in it,
and ice.
Ice cream.
Maybe some chocolate chips.
Maybe a little pistachio.
You know what I mean?
Before they came over this ice cream
where you fucking empty the cupboard
and throw it in there.
Like fucking potato chips and bananas.
And, uh, I don't know what else.
Fucking detergent tablets.
Um, coffee.
I guess coffee's been around for a while.
Oh, I'm just a fucking,
why can't things be the way they always were?
Um, yeah, so that is, uh,
that's where I'm at.
And, um, I've just been thinking in my head
of the Four Kings documentary that I watched
where everybody on that thing was roughly my height.
Maybe a little shorter,
except for Thomas Hearns.
And they were all like a buck 55, 156.
Now, obviously that's a boxer.
So I got to feel like if I get down to like,
you know, anywhere between 165, 170,
I should be good.
Um, so rather than starving myself,
I'm just going to be eating right
and going for walks.
Walks are the shit when you get older.
They don't fucking hurt your knees.
You do it at night.
You know?
Um, but speaking of which,
but I'll be doing a lot of cardio.
Oh, God.
It's actually, it was getting to the point where
I wasn't making effort noises
to put on my socks,
but there was,
there was definitely an effort being made.
Um, yeah.
When you got to start putting your leg up
onto something to get your socks on,
like trying to figure out a different way
to fold yourself in half.
I wonder if people whose psoas is so flexible,
they can actually get way fatter
because when they get to that point
where they can't go forward,
they can actually go the other way,
bend over backwards,
and then put it on.
Um,
I was just looking at my notes from last night
because I don't have a lot of time today.
I wanted to,
I have,
I have F1,
Max Verstappen,
Lewis Hamilton gets fastest lap.
And then I got a couple other topics
and then I got Billy fat cakes.