Name: Simple Nerd or Questionable Celebrity - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2021-11-30T14:30:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Simple Nerd or Questionable Celebrity - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Simple Nerd or Questionable Celebrity - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-30. Transcript available.

um all right dilemma dear bill would you rather be a simple nerd living on a
small budget enjoying
his life of board games lord of the ring and rings and nerd books uh in a one-bedroom
apartment
in a small town and a simple job at the grocery store with no excitement but
complete comfort and
peace i mean that sounds amazing simple dinners on a tv tray and the occasional
dessert from the
bakery you're not in shape but you're not obese you're unknown to the public
you have a cousin
with a family you see on holidays but that's it i have no family i have fucked
that or
be famous single a celebrity and fuck models except there's a long-standing
rumor going around that you
beat the shit out of your ex-girlfriend's dog but the cops let you off because
you're famous
oh that's easy yeah i can handle that i never hit that dog i love dogs you can
easily do that you
just show yourself out with all your rescue dogs anyway now you certainly didn't
but that's the
rumor okay so i certainly didn't beat the dog uh it's supported by lots of
evidence and you are
commonly known as the guy who kicked the dog the woman you fuck don't seem to
mind the rumor
and you put off that they will fuck you anyway despite that this that they don't
know it's not true
people look at you funny in public is it because they believe the rumor or that
they know you're famous
and like your work your life is a house of cards which do you choose
well you know what you should have had me have a family in the first one the
fact that i don't have a family
i'm not going to be that fucking pudgy uncle who never got his shit together
you know some fuck wad of a job bagging groceries oh but he's happy now i'm out
there i'm gonna fucking
yeah i'll be the bad boy that maybe kicked the dog who fucks models i would
choose that
i would choose that emptiness over the previous emptiness even though you said
i was happy and at peace
i guess i gotta put that in there
with no excitement but complete comfort and peace but i'm at peace
if you could somehow rewire me in that first one that i could be in complete
comfort and peace i would
absolutely accept that one without a fucking doubt um
as opposed to the other one where there was no peace
and fucking models and all of that i would think that that would get sad
quickly if you were raised right
you know if you're in your 20s i would think it's great 30s you're kind of like
what am i doing 40s it's like jesus
what am i doing why are they here because the older the the bigger the age gap
gets the more
concerned you have to be with like how fucked up is this person
that not only they banged me they they now want to have a relationship with me
like you got to be
thinking that you're getting damaged goods you know wrapped up in a beautiful
package
um
yeah i wouldn't do that i would take uh
yeah i think i would take the first one
as long as i was at peace i'm at peace for the fact that i'm a fucking nerd i
don't get to watch sports
or is this me
and i just have to play the role of some guy that wants to play board games
i can i'll put myself in both of those me in both those situations i would go
out of my fucking mind if i was in the first one if i was living alone the
amount i already talked to myself if i had nobody else i just had these fucking
board games and an occasional dessert
and then i have to swing by a family member's uh yeah fuck that i would uh i
would be slowly drinking myself to death
probably rapidly at that point and at that and i also got the regular job so i'm
not even drinking good booze
so i imagine i would be mixing the booze
you know with some cola
right so that's the double whammy
yeah
i think i would choose yeah i would choose the uh the cliched
cliched hollywood fucking experience
you know
showing up with fucking
cocaine boogers in my nose
oh god dude that's a that's a bad dilemma neither one of those were happy
i don't like that
you guys there wasn't there was no fucking
i guess what's that's why they call it a dilemma everybody
um
i got a dilemma it's 10 or 5 and the sun's already
almost gone down
and i still gotta go out and fucking do my little uh my little hikey hike here
which i'm gonna do
i'm gonna do it
beefcake beefcake
it's gonna happen
it's gonna happen i found this new park
i'm not going into it now because it closes at sunset
allegedly
and um
that's when the fun begins honey
um
i'm gonna go uh
i don't know i'll take a walk around the neighborhood
that's what i'm gonna do
by the way i went into a fucking record store today
i could not believe the amount of young people
the place was fucking packed
and the amount of young people that were in there was insane
and i was going through
you know and i was trying to buy these classic albums for my daughter
and uh
you know
of course they had acdc back and black
but a few others like joan jett
i love rock and roll
they didn't have that one
aerosmith's greatest hits
they didn't have that one
uh
but then i had to think like
well wait a minute
you know
about 40
some odd years of music have gone by
at least with those uh
the acdc and the aerosmith
since
these albums came out
so i mean there is
a finite amount of fucking room
in there but like
i was i don't know
i was kind of bummed
and i was like all right
well maybe i can at least get the toys in the attic album
because the song she likes is walk this way
which she of course is convinced
that the lyrics are four kids play
and i've tried to correct her
and i just
decided i'd let her figure it out for herself
because you know that song
it can have a lot of different interpretations
and uh
her interpretations
that four kids play
four kids play
four kids play
you know what
and when she's brilliant enough to say that
christmas is better than target
um
who am i to argue
all right
well that's the podcast everybody
old twinkle toes
he's got to work off all the fucking stuffing
that he stuffed himself with
i hope you guys had a wonderful weekend
once again congratulations
to the university of michigan
football team
we bow to no one
congratulations on your big win
ohio state
unbelievable run
you knew you weren't going to win forever
but fucking you know
let's see
can michigan win nine in a row
who knows
we shall see
uh
but it's very critical right now
because
if michigan beats you again next year
okay
and your coach who built the thing
is now down in jacksonville
hanging out at a hooters
um
urban meyer
like
all of a sudden
these young kids might want to start
instead of going to ohio state
if they're going to go big 10
they go michigan
and then what happens
a whole
lot of whining from the other side
is what i'm thinking
so
um
and bill belichick once again
once again
all these fucking idiots
when tom brady and the buccaneers
won it last year
were going like
does that mean tom
was the reason i wanted
bill belichick
he's doing it again
all right
he's on his way
again
to building
yet another
championship team
and he's not going to stop
until
the new england patriots
win number seven
and i
i have every
belief in the world
that it's going to happen
there you go
you heard it here first
on the fucking monday morning podcast
all right
that's the monday morning podcast
go fuck yourselves
i'll check in on you
on thursday
and uh
thank you to everyone
who came out to supernova
this weekend
all right
i'll see you