Name: Christmas Shopping - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2021-12-01T14:00:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Christmas Shopping - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Christmas Shopping - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-01. Transcript available.

and uh i also i've gotten my uh my christmas shopping is pretty much done i
went out and i
got the big you know now what are you gonna say gift for everybody you know ho
ho ho and shut your
face shut your face for another year right why would it be so hostile that you're
giving gifts
um you know what it really is it's the pressure i'm like oh my god christmas is
coming have you
done your christmas shopping yet you know there's not a lot of stuff left that
there's some sort of
chip that they need to be making and because of the pandemic they haven't been
making the chips
so there's not going to be enough bags to buy your wife you know there's always
that thing
you know and i fall for it every time the same way when i watch a horror movie
and they build up that
and they go around the corner i always think the person's going to be there i
always fall for that
and then it's not there and then they come back and then there's the fucking
thing
the baba duke thing right so um i got it all done and in the process of
figuring out like what i was
going to get my son man i hooked him up i bought him the classic tonka truck
the one made out of steel
and then i got him an acdc shirt you know you know why because i'm raising them
right
my daughter said to me yesterday we were driving i was going to go buy some eggnog
you know you're either an eggnog person or you're not i fucking love eggnog i
miss the booze in it
but i'll fucking drink eggnog you put fucking uh what do you want to say nutmeg
in there i don't
give a shit i i fucking love the stuff i'm i'm like i can't go to sleep for
like three hours
afterwards but i will pour myself a tumbler of eggnog it's sit by a fire
everything but the pipe
you know so i was driving and uh my daughter was like dad dad can i go with you
and i was like all
right let's go so she goes along with me and um so i was like you want to hear
some christmas music
and she goes yeah and the only one i have is that dumb one not dumb but i
always i've always sung it
on the podcast you know you know it's the holiday season doobie doobie do that
whole fucking thing so
i'm playing that and she's loving it and everything was awesome i gotta
download some more christmas
music and i'm gonna take her around playing the christmas music while she uh
looks at all the lights
on the house and stuff on the houses i should say um but um i played that thing
and as i was pulling in
you know to the grocery store she said she said hey dad and i said what and she
said that uh i actually
wrote the quote down because i always put her quotes in this fucking book here
ah jesus bill it would
have been nice if you had the thing ready right that could have been a nice
thing hang on a second what
we got here what did she say that's my set list wait a minute did i lose it uh
whatever i remember what
she said anyways she said hey dad i said what she said christmas is way better
than target
did i accidentally erase that
maybe i just sent it to my wife i think i did hang on a second
oh shit somebody's in the neighborhood yes i'm doing my podcast just knock on
the front door
sorry um this whole fucking podcast just went off the rails because i'm not
organized why did i do this
here we go now scrolling scrolling scrolling scrolling scrolling trying to find
the thing
thousand fucking pictures of kids
oh christmas is better than target yeah that's what i
because we go to target for her to air quote test out the toys
and then which is you know it's always a great thing because she's happy she's
psyched but then
there's going to be the inevitable meltdown when i don't buy or anything
you know because i'll tell you right now these damn kids today
they think that they're gonna fucking get a gift every fucking every time they
go in someplace
it's not how it works
it's not how it works
okay
all right when i was a kid i'm doing that shit when i was a kid you got one
pair of sneakers
the beginning of the fucking school year and they bought them like a size too
big so you're floating in them until like fucking
the new year and then right as they started to fit they look like you had them
for 10 years
then you didn't give a shit you just kept wearing them
now these goddamn kids today they got to have the right pair of fucking
sneakers to match their their their fucking belt on their outfit
it's unbelievable
it's unbelievable literally these little fucking herb tarlicks walking around
that their fucking belt has to match their sneakers instead of their shoes
so um
anyway but i got all of that shit
out of the way i got my wife's big gift
all right
i got my son
i got my daughter's big gift
i
am fucking done so now all i'm gonna do
listen to this shit
this is how nice my december is gonna be tonight
i'm fucking coming out here
all right
out to the garage where i got everything fucking hit
because everybody's so goddamn nosy in my house
i'm gonna come out here and i'm wrapping
the gifts in
november
i'm wrapping the gifts
i bought a fucking christmas tree
the day after thanksgiving
or maybe this saturday
i think this saturday right
after
and they had a thousand trees left
and i walked in the first one i saw
i was like that tree is the shit
the guy goes you want to look at some others
and i'm like well i probably should
because my wife says i always just go in and pick the first thing
and i walked three feet in and saw all this green
i'm like i'm not looking at all that shit
i'll take that one
put it in my truck
brought the fucking thing home
you know
put it up
my wife was like oh my god it's beautiful
that's it
done
done
i'm gonna have my gifts wrapped
and under the tree
before the goddamn lights are even on the thing
all right
relax
no because i know my life's gonna get a little busy here at the beginning part
of next year
so i want to make sure
that i can do whatever the fuck i want to do
in december
i can relax
i don't have to be freaking out
did it arrive yet
are there any left
can we get it in my size
fuck that
fuck that
i'm done
i'm done with this shit
i'm done with this shit
like ohio state's dreams of winning a championship are done
that's how done i am
with my christmas shopping
you see what i did there