Name: Gun Alternatives - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2021-12-07T14:30:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Gun Alternatives - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Gun Alternatives - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-07. Transcript available.

let's talk guns, man, do you like them, do you need them, do you want them, do
you fuck
them, let me see something right here, I just, my fucking thing is, I don't
care who's coming
through the door, my ears ring so fucking much, like, I can't imagine shooting
a fucking
gun without earplugs in, there's got to be something else, gun protection, all,
gun
alternative, come on, give me a crossbow, 10 best non-lethal self-defense
weapons, let's
see what we got here, all right, okay, that's seemingly frightening statistic,
my, wait,
according to the United States Department of Justice, there are nearly 5,000
home burglaries
per day that take place on American soil, many of which occur when the occupants
are home,
that's seemingly frightening statistic, yeah, because they try to hit it during
the day,
because they don't want you to be there, might make you want to run out to your
nearest gun
shop, pick up a firearm or two just in case, however, if you're going to own
and operate
a firearm, you also have to contend with the possibility that you could end up
killing someone,
well, I don't give a fuck if they came into my house, I mean, that's, that's,
they fucking,
that's on them, that's not on me, you didn't have to kill me, man, you didn't
have to come to my
house and try to take my shit, you fucking asshole, while this can be an
effective means of stopping a
home invasion, not everyone wants that on their conscious, oh, this is like the
headspace way of
fucking taking out an intruder, this is interesting to me, however, if you want
to keep your home,
family and property safe with less than lethal means, there are other options,
now, every gun nut
out there is like, well, somebody comes in, they got lethal force and all you
got is non-lethal force,
you brought a knife to a gunfight, that's right, that's right, you fucking know
what you're talking
about, all right, non-lethal self-defense weapons are actually quite abundant
and can be an effective
and efficient means can be, I want some more, I want stronger language there,
means of protecting
you and yours, though some are better for use in your home than others, it's
with this, you know
what they'll have in the future, like, if you approach a door or a window past
a certain hour
and everybody's checked in in the house, like, it just freezes you, you know
what I mean, the next
morning you come out, oh, look at this frozen bastard, you know, they freeze
you just enough
where you can't fucking move, you know, and then the cops come and they pick
you up, false alarm,
it's a raccoon, it's with this in mind that we've rounded up what we believe
are the 10 most useful
non-lethal defense weapons for home security, they vary in style and format,
allowing you to pick
the ones that suit your needs best, but they are all worth considering as a
means of staying safe
and secure in your own home, all right, so, the value of non-lethal self-defense,
first of all,
we need to reiterate the primary purpose of any less than lethal home or self-defense
is to keep
yourself and your property and your people safe without causing fatal harm to
any intruder or
assailant, I don't have any problem killing somebody that comes into my fucking
house, my has to do with
the fact I have, I have tinnitus, my fucking ears ring and I can't be shooting
a fucking gun,
uh, all right, all right, what do you got here,
a glowing-y cubiton keychain, I'm not gonna lie to you, it looks like a dildo,
I don't know what
this is, a dildo that you put your keys on, looks like a giant spike, ideally,
you'd probably want
to keep your distance from everyone that's broken into your home, sadly, that's
not always the option,
yeah, that thing is way too short and that person's gonna be way too close, all
right, what is this,
Sabre red crossfire pepper gel, oh, Jesus, this is the PG, this is rated PG,
cold steel Brooklyn crusher baseball bat, obviously, most baseball bats could
work perfectly well as home
defense was, and in fact, they become something of a trope in movies and
television for this very reason,
however, baseball bats are typically designed to hit baseball, by contrast, the
cold steel Brooklyn
crusher, looks like a traditional baseball, but was actually designed
specifically to use as a blunt weapon,
oh, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, I like that thing,
oh, here we go, Smith and Wesson, nice, there we go, something with credibility
here,
collapsible baton, measuring up to 21 inches when fully deployed, the Smith and
Wesson
SWBAT collapsible baton gives users the same reach and power as a baseball bat,
meaning it can be swung
with great force and striking with devastating power, however, unlike a bat, it
can be collapsed
when not in use just down to 8.5 inches, roughly small enough to stash in any
standard
night-sized nightstand or kitchen drawer, that's all right, I want something
that shoots a projectile here,
if I'm facing a gun, what the fuck am I going to do with these batons, streetwise
barbarian stun baton,
streetwise barbarian as opposed to those coddled barbarians, stun baton, if you've
ever accidentally
electric, if you've ever been, okay, now we're talking, electrocution, all
right, this is what I like,
you're probably aware of how much, just how much even a low voltage shot can
sting, of course,
if you've never felt it yourself, you can simply google videos of people, oh,
you just turn on a
lawnmower and touch the spark plug like I did, just how unpleasant it can be
and how effectively
it can drop even a large healthy man, as such, you can probably understand the
value of utilizing the
streetwise barbarian stun baton as a home defense weapon, not only will it help,
this is the thing, you need
one of these in every fucking room, what if you're watching tv, hang on a
second, I need to go upstairs
to the nightstand,
Olight Warrior X Pro Tactical Flashlight, stay away or I'll blind you man, as
is the case with so many
offerings on our list, the Olight Warrior X Pro Tactical Flashlight is an
effective self-defense weapon
with some built-in versatility, meaning it works in more than one way, for
starters,
the light emits a beam of up to 2100 lumens, which is enough to temporarily
blind and disorient any
attacker, it's so bright in fact that it may be useful even in the case that an
attacker is wearing
sunglasses, however, if the light fails to halt the attack, this portable torch
was also built with a
durable and lightweight aluminum body with a tooth bezel designed specifically
for striking
as a blunt, so I blind him and then I rush him with my flashlight,
Armor 100 bean bag gun, okay, here we go, this is used by law enforcement and
military personnel
around the world, the Armor 100 bean bag gun is effective at knocking down assailants
at a distance
of up to 20 feet away, sending non-lethal bean bag rounds across the room at a
rate of 135 feet per second,
for reference, that's enough force to completely knock the wind out of a
healthy adult male,
should you score a direct hit, it's also legal to own in all 50 states,
salt supply, S1 pepper spray gun, this looks like a Glock,
it's a mainstay of home self-defense industry and it actually works in two ways,
so long as you pick up the black one,
I guess the other ones aren't as good, first, it looks like a genuine firearm
which could be enough to scare off an intruder in the heat of the moment,
however, if the Homer very keeps coming at you, you can simply pull the trigger
and send pepper spray and or tear gas rounds,
it comes within 10 feet, within 10, it comes with 10 of each, sorry, in their
direction at a rate of 320, that's pretty cool, it's alright, what is this one,
a taser pulse stun gun,
and they got a picture of a Rottweil, adopt a guard dog,
alright, I like the ones that shoot shit, I don't like the bats and shit where
I got to get in closer, like I got a flashlight, stay back, I'll blind you,
um, alright, I just wish they could come up with a quiet gun, you know, or in
other words, I wish I lived in a state where silencers are legal, let's see
what we got here, this is the last thing I'll look up,
um, oh, it's beginning to look a lot like silencers, this is probably not a
good thing to search,
states where silencers are legal, I know in Florida, it's the first place I
ever saw one and shot one,
holy shit, Jesus Christ, I should have googled which states they're not,
Alabama, Arkansas, Arizona,
wait, A-L, Alabama, A-K, then they got A-R, is that Arkansas, Arizona, A-Z is
Arizona, wow, I'm not good with my fucking,
what is A-K, Anchorage, what else could that be, what are the A states, Alabama,
Arizona, Arkansas,
Alaska, there we go, Colorado, Connecticut, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, uh,
Indiana, Kansas,
Kansas, Kentucky, Iowa, Maine, Maryland, Mississippi, Montana,
Missouri, Missouri, Nevada, there's another NE, I don't know what that one is,
Northeast Dakota,
I have no idea what, New Hampshire, New Mexico, North Carolina, North Dakota,
Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon,
Pennsylvania, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, not North
Dakota, interesting,
uh, Virginia, West Virginia,
Washington, Wisconsin, and Wyoming, well there you go, basically every state
that surrounds where I live,
um, what is N, oh Nebraska is N-E, ah, got it, well how many states is that, 1,
2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8,
9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28,
29, 30, 31, 32,
33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 38 out of the 50 states, the fuck are these gun people
complaining about,
they're crushing it, you're winning 38 to 12, um, I know nothing about these
issues, all right,
that's the podcast everybody,