Name: Bill "Dictator" Burr - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2021-12-08T14:30:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill "Dictator" Burr - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill "Dictator" Burr - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-08. Transcript available.

all right dear willie wine taint uh as much as i love the amount of time okay
dictatorship weekends
dear dear willie wine taint as much as i love the amount of time off you would
give us all
under your illustrious rule this is a problem i've worked out already behold
the five-day week
okay we have our current okay all right the five-day week all right we have our
current
seven-day week either because god rested on the seventh day or because of the
phases of the moon
both of which are antiquated and silly reasons to live by this strange schedule
who breaks things
into sevens i don't know craps um i propose we eliminate tuesday and thursday
from the week
monday wednesday friday saturday sunday and we all work three out of five days
okay i feel like you're fucking like i'm buying a car right now and you're
fucking saying what i just
said and i think you're agreeing with me but i'm about ready to pay eight grand
for rust proofing
uh we would have 73 weeks a year instead of 52 so your paycheck would be
smaller
but there would also be substantially more of them
all right so i'm assuming we're working eight hour days we have a 365 day a
year so if we start the
year on monday new year's will land on a sunday maybe the year should start on
saturday to give those
new year's eve new year's eve people a friday holiday but what about leap year
well every four years we sneak this guy really our woman really thought this
out the
what the fuck out of here you're gonna get the fuck out of here you fucking
goddamn
fucking bug
hovering around me for the last 10 minutes
why did i just talk to the
fucking mosquito like it spoke english um
we have the 365 day year so if we started the year on a monday new year's will
land on a sunday
so maybe we should start on saturday to give those new year's eve people
a friday holiday but what about leap year well every four years we sneak it in
december 31st
and january 1st and that new year's eve is an epic every four year holiday what
what about leap year well every four years we sneak it in between december 31st
and january 1st oh that's where you put the leap year oh
that's pretty cool and that's new year's eve that new year's year is an epic
four year four year
holiday we're really missing a fun holiday opportunity with the leap years uh
you know what i agree
there are a few more problems thanksgiving i think corporations would have a
problem with all of this
now there are a few but you're a dictator there are a few more problems thanksgiving
couldn't be
on thursday anymore kind of a bummer your birthday would be on the same day of
the week
every year who gives a great for 20 of us who get saturday birthdays a little
of a bump
a little of a bummer for the monday and tuesday people you call in sick buddy
now i got a three-day
weekend uh these are downsides but come on all things considered these are
minor flaws to a great plan
thanks for reading looking forward to uh the red rock special go yourself that's
really interesting
i never you know something i never knew why we were on a uh
seven day thing i just i thought it had to do with the sun going around the i
don't know what the
fuck that's that's all shit i just memorized and puked out like four days later
on a goddamn test
and i can't remember anymore all right dictator dear billy eggnog tits i resent
that
uh your ideas about being a dictator got me thinking uh if giving full rule my
first order would be to get
everyone who disagrees about everything in the same room and lock them in there
till they figure
out i'm talking left wing right wing i'm talking jews and palestinians communists
and anarchists
sharks and jets etc and i'm putting a camera on all of it streaming on the
internet and bunny ears
everyone gets to watch after the world sees how stupid everyone is and they all
they've all killed each
other that's interesting it's not as interesting as this fly that won't leave
won't leave you cunt
oh he's resilient you know what i can't get mad that mosquito has heart uh and
i'm putting a camera
on all of it we can all watch how stupid everyone is as they all kill each
other maybe that'll teach
everyone else a lesson about giving too much of a shit about what they think
i gotta be honest with you you guys really have uh you have better a lot better
ideas than me
uh benevolent dictator
yeah but you know something i feel like if you stuck everybody in the world
who disagrees about everything in the same room what would you who would you be
left with
you'd you'd have um
is that stoics stoicism
are people that are just like laid back
people that are just groovy man
yeah it's interesting
but here's the thing not all jews and palestinians would show up not all communists
and anarchists
i mean how would you do that
i mean if you're a sharks fan and a jets fan
or a communist anarchist jew or a palestinian like how would you know like
which ones to put in there
i guess you just go into their fucking whatever they tweeted about
you're being canceled you have to go argue until you die that's crazy all right
benevolent
dictator all right now guess what i'm gonna go do i'm gonna look up benevolent
all right here we go
i don't understand like why if you're a dictator you have to be an asshole
like why would you just be a good shit and then no one would ever try to kill
you
because someone else would want to be an asshole dictator and they're an assholes
and they kill you
because you were too fucking nice benevolent definition
well-meaning and kindly benevolent dictator hey billy bro wearer
um you mentioned this week that you don't get why pretty much every dictator is
awful here we go
and why none of them try very hard to help people out even though they all have
they have all the power
it's an interesting question that kind of goes under the radar in the west
because we live in a democratic republic
do we
um so it just seems like a given that
way would be the best but people have studied it and written books about it so
i'll fill you in
i'll give you the really short version
uh and link some more detailed explanations if you're interested and want more
what it really
comes down to is that a dictator needs to keep the army happy or they get
replaced with somebody else
uh there's other people what are you talking about it's the fucking army
you know what i mean you're in the army you don't want to go fucking go to war
you can just chill out
i think everybody just wants to fucking chill out wouldn't that be great
i'm in the army but you know there's no wars and nobody's really yelling at me
and
uh you know once you get past wearing green clothes every day yeah it's pretty
it's pretty nice man
um there's other people they also need to pay but the army is the most
important any money that a
dictator spends on good roads or schools is money that a rival can promise to
the army
as incentive for a coup
oh i see it always comes down to money and lowering taxes so people can build
their own school or
whatever is the same thing one of your generals can promise to raise taxes to
pay the army if they
all agree to just kick you out and replace you with him there's a big long book
i'm summarizing
that you can read if you want uh dictator's handbook behavior almost politics
well let's see what the
name of this book open the link the book is called the dictator's handbook why
bad behavior is almost
always good politics and there's also a 10 minute long video based on the same
book if you want
something in between all right the name of the video is
uh the rules for rulers oh that seems fucking cool that just made me miss weed
it's fucking freaking me out man all right have a great holiday season and bet
on the bengals it's
finally our time yeah you guys seem all right all right you did today oh you
lost to the chat
just um yeah i just don't understand that you know i guess that saying is true
money is the root of
all evil i just don't understand why people just can't be nice to other people
like why you just can't
get the momentum going in that way
you know what the nicest conversation i had today you know i take my old t-shirts
and i bring them to these
homeless encampments because i'm not taking them to goodwill um
so i was driving over i was doing some uh
you know nieces and nephews shopping right so i was getting some gift cards and
shit some cool sneakers or whatever and uh
so i was like all right i'll handle that and then i'll i i know where there's
this homeless encampment
and i just stumbled just drove past it was another one because there's so many
of them out here so i uh
i pull over and i just got the bags out and i see this uh
woman i think uh you know one of those deals right now like hey i got some you
know t-shirts here if you
need some and she just goes oh thank you sir i go you're welcome
that was it i felt good this person needed something they were appreciative it
was like the best
fucking car it was like literally one sentence each and it made me you know
feel good that i did it and
it made me look back to see the person pick them up and then it made me hope
that they were gonna be okay
i don't understand why i just i'm gonna watch that video because it just like i
just really don't
get it you know being in show business why like the way business is done is
just so and then that's
what people say well you know this is why business is done it's like how much
do you have to take
it's nuts it's that's really the whole thing is insane