Name: Why These Fossils? - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2021-12-17T14:00:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Why These Fossils? - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Why These Fossils? - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-17. Transcript available.

You know, if I was president right now, okay, and I was aware that I was
actually president.
I like this guy that we have, you know, which by the way, Paul Verzi has the
greatest thing.
There should be an age limit about when you can be president.
You know, I think like 55 is a great age.
You know, you can't be too young because then you're like Bill Clinton just
banging whores in the pool and you're not getting anything done.
You got to be like 55.
You're on the other side of it.
You know, but you're not like, I don't know, like some fossil, like Trump and
this fucking guy, Joe Biden, right?
You need like 55.
Maybe that's how you do it.
You can only be president if you're 55 to 63.
And you're a man.
That's it, right?
Right.
Hey, by the way, I don't want to get petty here, but when was the last time
there was a bald president?
Let me see this here.
Let's see.
Let's look this up.
This is how I use the internet.
The last bald president.
Okay.
Let me see.
Oh, now they're getting so good with those goddamn hair systems.
All right.
Search.
Search for the fucking thing.
The president and board kind of.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Did I have to say of the United States?
Do you remember that band?
The president of the United States?
I fucking something and I something.
Then I fucking something and I fucking something.
She love.
She love.
The last board president.
Oh, it said board.
Bald.
How are you bald and you don't know how to spell it?
The last bald president of the USA.
Let's see.
Dwight D. Eisenhower.
Great call.
It has been nothing but hair ever since.
The last bald president almost goes back as far as the last time the Maple Leafs
won the Stanley Cup.
I'm sorry to everyone in Toronto.
I'll be there next summer.
Dwight David Eisenhower.
Or David Dwight Eisenhower.
He went by Dwight.
You know.
If he was president today, they'd call him White Eisenhower.
How many bald presidents have there been?
Let's see.
I bet there was a lot more of them back in the day when they didn't have hair
systems.
You know.
Back when Ben Franklin thought he looked good.
I know he wasn't a president, but you know.
It's kind of like with baseball.
Like how back in the day when it was just white people.
And they played without baseball gloves and shit.
Like three guys a year would hit 400.
Then it became one guy every three years.
And then it just became Ted Williams did it in 1946.
And no one ever did it again.
That's like bald presidents.
All right.
Three.
For a proper answer, we would have to define what we mean by bald.
And specifically, you know what it is?
The fucking horseshoe.
I define bald as having no hair at the highest point of the skull.
Okay.
Okay.
John Quincy Adams.
Bald.
Martin Van Buren.
Bald.
Dwight Eisenhower.
Bald.
Honorable mentions.
John Tyler.
He was starting to lose it.
He was hanging in there.
James Polk.
Dude, that's a fucking...
He looks like a poet.
James Garfield is bald.
He absolutely is bald.
Warren G. Harding.
Nah.
He looks like the fucking head of Chrysler.
Calvin Coolidge.
All these guys are just losing it.
Herbert Hoover.
James Garfield and Rutherford B. Hayes.
I don't know.
Man, that's some names that all died out.
Is there one fucking normal name in that?
It just fascinates me.
Martin Van Bruyne.
Buren.
Dwight.
Dwight Howard.
John.
John 13, 316.
They're still quoting his work.
James.
That stuck around.
Another James.
Warren.
Warren Potsy Webber.
It's the last Warren that I knew.
Calvin.
That's a cartoon now.
Calvin Herbert.
You know,
he could have that as a last name
and be the quarterback of the Chargers,
but nobody has that fucking name.
There's another James Rutherford.
Jesus Christ.
Chester.
Chester.
You need him, man.
You need him a fucking horse, Chester.
Rutherford B. Hayes.
That is a great fake fucking name.
You know,
if you ever slip into a party
that you're not supposed to be at,
you're kind of getting busted.
When they ask you what your fucking name is,
you should go by Rutherford.
Don't say B. Hayes.
They don't fucking,
you'll get caught.
Rutherford H. Salisbury.
One of those blue blood names.
Even they went away from those fucking blue blood names, huh?
They were getting all fucking nervous.
You can tell by your name how much money you have.
Blue,
this last thing I'm going to look up
and I'm going to mercifully end this podcast.
Blue blood names.
Blue blood names.
We'll be right back with blue blood names.
That's hilarious.
It says Tom Selleck,
Donnie Wahlberg.
I guess there's a show called Blue Bloods.
49 preppy baby names.
Oh, I love it.
Let's make it.
Let's go nice and white here.
What do we got here?
Digby.
Oh, Digby.
Jesus Christ.
That's just someone, you know,
even look at him.
His family's going to fucking sue you
no matter what he does.
He hits you with his car
and he sues you for debt in his fucking car
and there's nothing you can do.
Connery.
Ingram.
Yates.
That's a fucking name.
Aldrich.
Whitaker.
I don't know Whitaker.
I knew it was Lou Whitaker.
Bronwyn.
Thompson.
Tilly.
Oh, Tilly, you fucking stuck up C-note.
Teague.
Niles.
I like Niles.
Orson.
Merritt.
Margot with an A-U-X.
Bradford.
Palmer.
Darcy.
Tinsley.
Poppy.
Ellison.
Vance.
Thatcher.
Briggs.
Briggs is a good fucking name.
Briggs?
Briggs is an unusual name choice for baby boys.
Briggs is an old English name
that translates to Bridges.
That's a fucking strong name.
Briggs.
It's a name and a nickname all at the same time.
Tiger Stadium used to be Briggs Stadium.
Kingsley.
Blaine.
Blair.
You take the good, you take the bad,
you take them both in there,
you have the facts of life.
Quincy.
Now they're going to all old school shows here.
Blair.
Quincy.
Roland.
Great drums.
Electronic drums.
Best electronic drums in the business.
Okay, I'll read two more.
Lennox.
Enlighten.
Sterling.
Davis.
Keaton.
Sloan.
Ainsley.
Reed.
Brooks.
Finley.
Corbin.
Sorry, I can't stop.
Graham.
Emerson.
Tucker.
There's a lot of tuckers.
All right.
Speaking of Tucker,
I am tuckered out from this podcast.