Name: Dictator Special - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2022-01-18T15:15:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dictator Special - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dictator Special - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-18. Transcript available.

um all right if i were a dictator oh this is my one of my favorite things and
you guys are really
responding to this it's a fun thing to fantasize about being a dictator isn't
it i fucking enjoy it
i really fucking enjoy it um if i were a dictator if you weren't a doctor and
you were questioning
doctors the next time you needed surgery i'd make you perform it on yourself um
if i were a dictator
uh hi bill if i was a dictator i will make it illegal for 14 year olds and
below to own a
smartphone thank you thank you i don't understand that on any fucking level the
shit that is out
there on the fucking internet and this bullshit that oh you can put on the
parental fucking blocks
on it and they can literally google how to turn them off or some fucking nerd
will figure out how
to do it at school it's so fucking dumb like um i can't imagine the fallout
these fucking kids they don't even they don't even get a childhood
the fucking shit that you can see on the goddamn internet and you just hand
your kid a phone
i'm not i'm not doing that shit my kid's gonna get a fucking flip phone that's
where they my kids
are gonna hate me but it's just like trust i'm doing you a favor but then what's
their friends
they'll just show the videos it's really bad man we're so fucking far behind
with that shit
about protecting kids with the internet and and and phones and all of that type
of stuff
i don't know maybe that's part of the conspiracy maybe they're doing that
and they'll be like hey man a microchip doesn't have any porn on it
um canadian dictator dear pencil dictator
first and foremost i'm sorry for your loss uh your anecdote about the comic
leech that ended with bob's one-liner about stealing the eggs
uh hit hard oh yeah man that was one of the funny that was one of the great
ones
i can tell you love the guy and i'm glad he knew how you felt yeah man they uh
yeah man that was um i don't know that was one of the fucking i can't even tell
you one of the most
brutal weeks and inspiring weeks um with bob saget passing which i still cannot
believe is real i just
cannot fucking believe that that guy is gone and uh of all the friends that i've
lost
i don't think i've laughed more thinking about a friend than that guy
and i swear to god like i it's this is like his passing has been like
inspirational
like he even him dying was inspiring just how like everybody from all different
areas of his life
all said the same thing about what a great guy he was and how fucking hilarious
he was
um yeah man i love talking about the guy too he just he was i swear to god man
just
everything that everybody's saying is true all right anyway secondly as a non-american
let me tell you all the shit that is wrong with your goddamn mess of a country
i know how much you love that ha just fucking with you um if i was a dictator
of the u.s because
canada is clearly flawless why can't no no dude you got to write back and do
one for canada i want to
know what's going on up there because you got a lot of fucking people up there
saying this is the end of
our democracy and all that i follow some of you canadians and i oh why don't
you stick to fucking
writing kids book you got the same fucking thing going on up there anyway here's
how i build a utopia
a i'd widen the pay gap between minimum wage and high skilled jobs but i would
offer free college
slash skilled labor training for anyone who wanted to live better no living
wage for getting high
and flipping burgers for 40 years um teacher would teachers would get paid i
like that one teachers
would get paid as much as engineers not because they are angels or something uh
simply to grow the
the pool of high quality teachers so every community could get get equal
education every kid in the
country would start life well educated enroll into free college slash skills
training resulting in
constantly growing tax base this would also brainwash the next generation to
accept the benefits of my rule
um have you guys watched that that youtube video i forget the name of it that
it shows
why uh dictators are so brutal to the people and how they have to keep the
military happy this is what's
missing because this is all us peasants saying how how we would hook each other
up and then get rid of the
a piece of shit peasants but nobody is is dealing with how are you going to
hang on to your throne
anyway i would force health care providers and drug manufacturers to negotiate
rates directly with me
for the entire nation well you just put a big bullseye on your back uh the
provider who offers the best
health care for the lowest cost gets the contract um if service quality declines
management is exiled and
negotiations open back up all right well how do you prevent some other wannabe
dictator
from um giving a better deal to those health care providers and then they start
backing you then
you're in trouble uh but i like all these ideas this seems like you're working
for the people here
finally i watch owners would have to complete an annual three-day solo hike
through grizzly bear territory
it's a surefire way to thin the herd i even keep the i watch commercials on tv
long long after just to
catch any stragglers we don't need in the dna dna pool all right i like all of
that all right dictator
uh good morning captain drizzledick thanks for reading this you ask about
dictator dictator dictation
i'd be the imperial grammar dictator oh god meaning i create an empire of well-spoken
citizens through
dictatorship mispronounced fucked up grammar such as the following would be
punishable by my grammar
police irregardless it's regardless you stupid shit sticks i like that you're
still profane
as as as a uh a grammar police person its meaning is without regard kind of
like you're fucked up
grammar um well you're the used to also say stupid shit stick so let's not
fucking make you shakespeare
over here expresso there is not one single x in the word espresso or especially
for that matter
what do i say i think i say espresso don't i although you wrote espresso so i
said espresso
can i get an espresso can i get an espresso i think i say express i think i
think i say with x
like uh i learned a long time ago it's uh etc is is that how you say it with or
etc i forget it i
i was never good at this uh confusing singular with plural is there any more of
them you californians
are horrible with this is equals singular are equals plural is there any more
of them are there any more
of them oh jesus christ dude oh my god i feel bad for the woman in your life uh
holistic another cali
special fucking overused crap word all right i'll go with this one it is indeed
a word but it doesn't
make you sound hip cool or smart it makes you sound like a fucking douchebag um
it just makes me sound
like i'm gonna fucking pay extra money for something that shouldn't be you know
probably should be 25
cheaper and there's no way for me to prove if this thing is uh is actually
going to do what it says
um it started like artisan ice cream just go across the street into a fucking
you know pharmacy
and buy the same ice cream that the people who are like 80 years old have been
eating it their whole
life they're still alive um all right first offense a written warning second a
hundred dollar fine
third mandatory eight hour grammar class for you are shipped to a continent a
containment camp
on the east side of the salton sea until deemed fit to re-enter our well-spoken
dictatorship
well look at you you know you're really into grammar you know you're not into
violence
i don't know there'd be a bunch of people dude i don't care i'm out here son
they're feeding us right
hey is there any more of them miller lights um all right if i were a dictator
hey bill
if i were a dictator the first thing i would do is set a daily limit to the
number of words each person
can say wow if anyone speaks more than they are allowed they will be drone
struck okay now here's
somebody ruling with an iron fist next anyone with a longer dick than me will
be killed immediately
unfortunately that's going to be a lot of people
but what about all the guys that have the same size dick as you you know if you
want to be the john homes
with a five incher you got to kill everybody down to four inches
uh next all guys will have to work uh as banker cunts lawyers or politician
they can opt out of these
jobs but the only other option will be a makeup person at macy's all women will
have to work at labor
intensive jobs such as construction or mining wow
is there any i want to know the reasons for this this is wild next the nets and
the lakers will get
unlimited budgets and will be the only teams allowed to use steroids the
federal reserve will be allowed
to print as much money as it likes there will be no health care for anyone i
will make sure global
warming continues until the whole world has summer year round i can't wait to
take my yacht through
times square in january lastly i will divide the country into two halves i will
split all the trump
voters and hillary voters the trump voters will have hillary as their president
and the hillary voters
will have trump as their president after 10 years if everyone learns to behave
themselves i will step down
as dictator and assign tom brady to be president i yeah you know something i
think we have a winner here
that was the most clear and concise plan and i felt that he was or she was
ruling with enough of an iron
fist that they could maintain their power all right