Name: Robbing a (Bitcoin) Bank - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2022-01-28T02:53:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Robbing a (Bitcoin) Bank - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Robbing a (Bitcoin) Bank - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-28. Transcript available.

I will tell you, when this whole thing goes away, I will miss the masks.
That's literally how fucking antisocial I am. I love it.
You put a hat on, sunglasses, and a fucking mask, I mean, you're ready to go
rob a bank.
I'm surprised more banks haven't been fucking robbed.
Isn't that amazing? I mean, I want to put an idea in somebody's head,
but you can literally walk into a bank, dress like a bank robber, and they just
think you're being responsible.
And then all you got to do is just slide the note.
I love how you can rob a bank with a note and just, hey, man, give me the money,
or you're not going to like what I do next.
I would love to write back, well, would you like to give me an example?
Can you brandish a weapon or something?
What do you got, halitosis?
What am I dealing with here on the other side of this bulletproof glass?
It'd be funny, you know, if you just, if you, like, if you had, like, a
gambling problem,
and you worked at a bank, like that Philip Seymour Hoffman movie that I could
not get through.
I still have to finish that movie.
It was so gut-wrenching to watch this guy fucking his life up.
If you, like a gambler, right?
If you're a gambler, and you fucking, you're working the bank, right?
You're a teller.
Jesus Christ, Bill.
You're a bank teller, right?
And the guy comes up, and he passes the letter.
You know, hey, give me all the money, or, you know, something bad's going to
happen.
You kind of look at him, you know, like World Series of Poker.
Like, here comes the river, right?
And you decide to call his bluff.
You know?
And you just write back, and you just say,
motherfucker, what I got on the other side of this glass
is going to kill you and your whole fucking family.
Just, I don't know, some sort of gangster shit.
You slide it back.
So, why don't, your best, motherfucker, your best move right now
is to take this piece of paper
and walk out of this fucking bank
and go panhandle for a sandwich.
Because if you don't,
you're going to spend the rest of your life
trying not to take a dick in the ass.
Believe that.
Sincerely, teller number 764.
And just slide it back.
Or if you just went, give me all your money,
just wrote back, fuck you.
Slid it back to him and just stared at him.
What if they had suicidal people as tellers?
Like, the amount of money that banks could fucking,
could save.
You know what I mean?
Because they would just be like,
yeah, don't give a fuck.
Do whatever you want.
Oh, no, you're supposed to be all afraid
and then give me the money and then I...
It's like, buddy, listen,
I know you're not armed
because armed robbery,
if you get caught,
is a much stiffer sentence.
Coming here like a fucking pen pal.
Hey, is there any, like, Bitcoin banks?
Can you go and rob those?
Let me see.
Let me look that up.
Let's add to the ignorance of my fucking search.
My internet search is here.
Bitcoin bank robbed.
Robbery.
Don't know nothing about no robbery.
Don't know nothing.
The great Bitcoin bank robbery.
Oh, hacking Bitcoin.
Oh, God.
This is going to get me on some sort of watch list here.
Oh, look, it's got a B on it for Bitcoin.
What is it made out of, by the way?
Is that any sort of precious metal
or is it just supposed to look like gold?
I love this whole fucking Bitcoin.
Hey, our Ponzi scheme is better than the Ponzi scheme
that you're currently in.
Sean Everett wasn't sure how his bullish bet
on cryptocurrency would turn out,
but he definitely didn't expect it to be over so soon.
In March, he sold all his stocks,
including Apple and Amazon,
and used a chunk of the proceeds to buy Bitcoin
and Ethereum on a site called Coinbase.
The decision made Everett,
the CEO of artificial intelligence startup Prome,
almost instantly richer
as the blockbuster chain.
Jesus Christ.
This is why I'm not into money.
What happened?
I'm not reading all this.
Jesus Christ.
You know, someday when I get old,
I'm going to write a fucking history book
after I talk to people,
when they tell me what happened,
and I'm just going to write what happened.
The American Revolution.
The British were cunts.
And then they lost.
That's what happened.
If you really want to get into the minutia,
read another fucking book.
Or minutia.
However you say it.
So, anyway.
Um...