Name: Robbery Stories - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2022-02-23T16:45:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Robbery Stories - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Robbery Stories - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-23. Transcript available.

all right let's read some of the uh some of the stories here for this week uh
dumb criminal story
dear billy scarlet scrotum burr i love it uh love the show love all you do this
is my dumb
criminal story i live in the great white north and living in british columbia
the drinking age
is 19 wait what i live in the great white north and living in british columbia
i'm so stupid all i
saw was columbia and i was thinking south america okay british columbia canada
oh canada what happened
to the men's team um it's one of the provinces vancouver is in british columbia
right okay
anyway the drinking age is 19 so my buddies and i figured out figured we'd go
to alberta
at 18 to party in downtown calgary i can tell you right now that's a mistake to
calgary is a drinking
town i would not go there and they got like fucking those are cattle people you
could get i i would
think you could get seriously fucked up if you looked at the wrong cowboy like
i always looked at
alberta like this is texas you know it's oil fields and fucking you know cattle
and then i feel like
edmonton is like the austin of like alberta where they think that they're
better than everybody else
out there that's what i feel all right anyways this dickhead comes up to us
with a knife while
we waited to get into this into the show we were going to buddy asked i love
when they say that
that's no that's canadian buddy buddy asked me what do you think of this and
flash me the knife
i told him i give him 50 bucks for it wow look at you fucking just coming up
with this steven seagal
line oh i thought he was pulling the knife on you i thought the guy pulled the
knife on you like
what do you think of this and you say i'll give you 50 bucks for it no i'm mugging
you all right
buddy gives me the knife i throw it in the trash beat the fucking wheels off
him and took my money
took back my money wait a minute this really happened well there goes my theory
on calgary
one of my favorite stories to tell anyway hope you found it as funny as i did
have a great day
and go fuck yourself okay i i when he said what do you think of this was he
trying to mug you
buddy asked me what do you think of this and flash me the knife i told him i
give him 50 bucks for it
buddy gives me the knife i throw it in the trash beat the fucking wheels off
him and took back my money
you definitely don't live in vancouver i didn't get that vibe in vancouver but
you're you're are you
right north of the city all right the moral of the story is uh don't pull a
knife on anybody in
fucking canada lunatics lunatics everybody thinks they're fucking nice up there
look at the sport
they created and know that fighting is legal oh they're so nice and polite um
all right
22 22 caliber robbery story dear billy bumblebutt on a recent podcast you asked
for robbery stories
i got one for you that i think you'll appreciate especially given your old bit
about how a 22 caliber
is all you need years ago i worked on a construction crew with two old guys who
were best buds and had
worked together for years in the dc area one black one white charlie a 70 year
old white guy told me
a story about jimmy with an eye like hendrix a 69 year old black guy jimmy
owned a car repair garage
in dc in the 70s one day a white guy came in and stuck a gun in his face and
demanded his cash from the
register jimmy not wanting any trouble opened the till and handed it over but
after the robber took the
money he called jimmy a nasty name i will not repeat here i imagine and hit him
across the head
with his revolver before running out the door this pissed jimmy off so he
grabbed a 22 pistol from
under the counter and went after the guy he caught up with him in the parking
lot and shot him in the
leg with the 22. the guy crawled under a car as charlie told me in his thick
virginia accent
jimmy was there trying to shoot him again
the police showed up and arrested both of them the white robber did a year in
jail and jimmy being a
black guy in dc in the 70s had to do a few months himself for shooting a white
guy
wow after about a year or two jimmy is back at work at his garage and who
should walk in but the
robber he walked up to jimmy and said hey i just wanted to let you know i'm out
of jail now
jimmy looked him square in the face and said well i just want to let you know i
got rid of my 22 and
i now got a 38. the guy backed out of the place and jimmy never had any more
trouble from him
wow well i was hoping for a happy ending i just got out of jail and i want to
say you know i
shouldn't call you that word and i shouldn't i'm on the straight and narrow and
i'm looking for a job
um wow that's a couple of men man stories right there i can't i can't follow
any of those
i got all right i got a robbery story i got punked out of some money
at um downtown crossing downtown fucking crossing in boston in the early 80s
doing christmas shopping
in front of long's jewelry they just punked me out of the money they said that
they needed
money for the subway and then his tall friend who looked like fucking weird harold
from uh fat albert
goes you better do what he says i just gave him the money that fucking bugged
the shit out of me but
like rather than just taking the ass kicking you know in hindsight i did the
right thing
because i was gonna lose uh santa robs a bank hey there billy ball bruiser uh i'll
get straight
to the point we're all busy a few years back during santa con santa con a santa
robbed a bank wait a
second is this like comic con but with santa clauses so there's a bunch of santas
walking around so a
guy dressed this is that's brilliant santa con santa con 2021 brings out oh my
god it's a bunch of
fucking jerk-offs dressed like santa okay it is all right a few years back
during santa cause con a santa
robbed a bank what is santa con you ask santa con is a day where a bunch of
idiots dressed like santa
claus and bar hop all day and night all right are they idiots i mean that
sounds like fun if you just
go in there like oh ho ho i love christmas you're standing there sweating your
ass off in that dumb
outfit but once you if you're just bar hopping that seems great and you know
there's gonna be some chicks
out there that's gonna be a fetish then you got the little santa closets
showing up i mean whatever
you know it's all it is is it just for kids i don't think so uh well this
particular santa con one
smart santa out of all the idiots hatched a genius plan he dressed as santa
walked out of a huge crowd
of santas on the street and into a downtown san francisco bank he pulled his
beard slightly down and waited in
line when he got to the teller he handed her a note that said he was armed and
he emptied the drawer
he grabbed a few stacks of cash put it in his santa bag to walk back out on the
street
as to instantly blend in with thousands of other santa's genius they never got
him
you can google this story even with your remedial googling skills hey man come
on
all right open the link santa this is in the la times doesn't necessarily mean
it's true with those
fucking lunatics or any of them i should say uh at least one santa claus in san
francisco is not
carrying a sack full of toys this december 16 2014. good for him good for him
all right attempted robber
hey old billy bank robber back in 2020 my wife and i were on vacation together
down in orlando and went
over to daytona for a couple of nights for a nascar ride along at the speedway
and to check out the area
when we got there we went into a subway for a quick lunch and while we were
sitting and eating this guy
walks in with a hoodie hoodie up a gator mask on and hand in his pocket like he
has a gun
he says to two teenagers working there give me all the money they stood back
and told the guy he needed
to leave he proceeded to threaten them and keep saying to give up the money but
they didn't and
could care less what he was doing after a minute or so the manager comes out
back with the mop and says
willie you get out of here the robber responds i'm not willie you need to give
me all the money
the manager then starts to come around the counter saying you get the out of
here or i'm going to
bust your head willie says okay fine just give me a cold cut trio and no one
gets hurt i almost died
laughing then realized my wife was terrified i assume that they knew the guy
based on their reaction to
begin with but my wife clearly did not willie left without a sandwich and the
manager came over and
apologize says that's just a crackhead that comes in and is harmless if he
bothers you when you leave
just tell him to go away or you'll beat his ass we ended up going back to the
speedway for my ride
along and then she got a refund on the hotel room we drove back to orlando i'll
never forget the look
on her face as i busted out laughing when i heard him ask for a sandwich still
to this day whenever she
pulls the typical wife what do you feel like having for dinner i respond with
just give me a cold cut
trio that's awesome big fan love the podcast my six-year-old son and i have
watched every
mandalorian episode multiple times and you are great in it well thank you so
much and thank you to
everybody over at the mandalorian that writes the mandalorian because without
them
I'm just a guy in a space outfit.