Name: Sobriety and Assisted Living Facility - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2022-02-26T16:15:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Sobriety and Assisted Living Facility - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Sobriety and Assisted Living Facility - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-26. Transcript available.

all right so billy no sticks billy no sticks all right you guys guilted me you
fucking guilted me
so i've been off the sticks for fucking 10 days cutting it down not quitting
cutting it down and
i will i will continue to talk about it okay these fucking assholes in aa they
go down there they've
been sober like 20 years they're still talking about it i can tell you this sobriety
is boring
as shit it's not boring as shit it's just i think i'm too childish for it it
takes a fucking adult
it really does to be sober you really have to be a goddamn adult like i had a
long i had a long
fucking day i had a long fucking day listen i don't dig ditches okay i don't plumb
sinks i don't i don't
stand out in the middle of the street with my back to traffic looking into a
fucking tripod
surveying i don't go down in those fucking manholes i don't roof i don't do any
of that shit
you know i do all day i think just have to fucking think and solve so i can
figure out how i can get
this person to have the pie hit them in the face and it's gonna it's gonna read
and you know i'm not
billy big brain okay i got a fucking mid-sized brain up there and yeah you know
you get a little tired
you know what happens is people keep talking and all i just start thinking of
of like would it be great
to just tap out right now you know take something drink something smoke
something that would just take
me to a mindset far far away wouldn't that be fantastic that that is the
solution um what kind
of a sadistic god is is there that we can't just all go around and just get
fucked up and have a good
time that it makes you be a fat fuck and die younger you know what i mean just
sit around eating fucking
mushy peas and shit and couscous you live to in your 90s you know that reminded
me of one time i remember
hearing this fucking guy he was drinking a giant one of those giant fucking
cheap ass jugs of wine every
day his health was bad had fucking diabetes and all of that shit and his
friends would always come by
and be like you know you gotta stop you gotta blah blah blah you gotta fuck it
you know you got so much
to live for and the guy was just like listen i'm good i'm enjoying myself you
know just this is how i want
to go out let's see here i'm not gonna say who the athlete's name is oh boy
last i heard he was on a
no last i heard this athlete was just hanging out on his front porch he lived
down south
you know and he was living that charlie daniels song he just leave this long-haired
country boy alone
you know i get drunk in the morning i get stoned in the morning get drunk in
the afternoon like he was
just doing that which sounded if you could just get past all the people you
hurt by doing that
it sounded fucking awesome
so last i heard he was just gonna sort of drink and smoke himself to death on
his front porch and just
wanted to be left alone and now i'm doing an update now he lives in an assisted
living facility
he mainly gets around via wheelchair or a walker when he feels up to it those
days are rare
uh i don't know they should have like two different kinds of assisted living
facilities
you know those for people who want to keep living and those who just want to
have a good time
you know and you come in there's like a humidor bill who's kidding who you're
designing your own
assisted living facility all right let's do this on the podcast this is
this is what my dream assisted living facility am i creating a reality show
right now
they're always going up to people in their 20s and fixing up their cars and
shit
and giving them fucking you know tummy tucks or whatever the fuck they do for
young people what
about old people they should go in and you should get that who was that guy
from that 70s ashton
kutcher should fucking no he did he did punked who's the guy who did uh uh pimp
my ride
ah fuck what was his name the rapper he's i used to love that guy he would just
fucking laugh at your
car what the fuck was his name that old pimp i watch like every episode pimp my
ride host exhibit
they should get exhibit just hear me out on this get him to do like a pimp my
my assisted living
facility and he comes in and he just he laughs at your your fucking tub that
has a door on it
you can make fun that you haul it out a ups truck to turn it into your fucking
tub slash shower
uh you know i've never seen a jacuzzi with a fucking chair in it um like that
right
he could crack on all the old people and then he comes in and he just puts a
bar in
get some a nice big flat screen tv dude i gotta tell you something the way that
we're we're handling
old people and veterans you know while you're in active military they'll let
you run out on the
football field an nfl game carrying the flag and then the second you don't re-up
they don't give a
shit if you live under a bridge um ah that's depressing you know what if i was
okay so my my dream
assistive facility all right i'd have a humidor all right i'd have a soda
fountain i do all that old
people's shit i'd eat like grilled cheese sandwiches and tuna milk i don't like
a tuna milk it always makes
me sick to my stomach uh we'll go grilled cheese sandwiches you know uh it's a
old person salad
whatever it is it's like italian dressing on it so it's not even healthy we
have what i got humidor
i got root beer floats what the fuck else do i need and just like a tv and a
bed and all the sports
packages that's it little refrigerator got some beers in there right and then
every once in a while they
come by you know when i want to go to bed at night they just come by with a
couple of edibles
this is an assisted i mean this is to me like if this was what heaven was
and the heaven was be you you didn't have to pay for any of that you know you
still considered a good
father a good husband he didn't get fat can you imagine that i mean that's
heaven right there
you could just eat ice cream and grilled cheese sandwiches smoke a cigar have
some bourbon and then
somebody comes by with whatever your drug of choice is in that little white cup
like they the paper cup
like they had and one flew over the cuckoo's nest and you take it you feel
great and you don't you don't
hurt anybody would be phenomenal um but you can't do that you gotta eat kale
salad
and drink plenty of water i'll tell you what my drug is eight hours sleep that's
what i say now
you give me eight hours sleep oh i'm ready to take on the world um all right
let me uh let me do the
podcast i know this is what happens when i get too busy i i literally i don't
know what it is i think about
retiring and drinking myself to death
i don't know i'm not gonna do it but i don't know why that's what my that's why
i have to watch
out because that's how my brain works i go to the end all right i can't just
perform
at you know in one state i have to go to all 50 then i have to go to canada i
can't just go to
canada i have to go out of the province i gotta go to all the continents lunatic
fucking lunatic