Name: “Rare” Shark Attacks - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2022-03-02T17:15:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '“Rare” Shark Attacks - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '“Rare” Shark Attacks - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-02. Transcript available.

yeah i was talking to somebody and they were saying like they were going
through some shit
and then they go you know whenever i'm going through some shit i just like
google fucked up
shit on the internet so i realized that my shit isn't that bad and i was like
oh all right a
little perspective and they ended up showing me this fucking clip of this poor
guy who got eaten
by a shark down in fucking australia and fortunately it was like blurred out
and i was just
like i had to like shut it off i had to shut the fucking thing i was like oh it
was one of the
most horrifying things i i it was blurred out but just knowing what this poor
person was going through
and my buddy told me that he watched the the fucking unedited version of it i'm
like why the
fuck would you do he's like dude dude it was fucked up dude yeah was it i've
never fucking understood
like somebody blows their knee out in a fucking sporting event i can't even
handle that i don't
understand how you could fucking watch one arguably one of the biggest fears
people could have at least
my generation when jaws came out you know and speaking of jaws like i feel like
all of these
fucking vacation spots when there's a shark attack act just like that douchebag
who didn't want to close
the beaches in jaws what's he doing sitting up there he's scaring people right
i noticed i started
googling as i always do because i am fucking terrified of the ocean and uh and
it's kind of
funny because there's a lot of people also who are terrified of flying so when
i express my fear
of uh the ocean they then question well yeah but you fly helicopters you're up
there i mean isn't that
you know it's a fair point you know what i mean but i it's i don't feel like it's
nearly
maybe i'm just justifying maybe i'm doing the sports fan thing
but um i did look up like shark attacks you know because of the way i view it
like you know we're
kind of fishing out the ocean we've already fished out the ocean and they're
they're dragging these nets
so deep they're pulling up they're pulling up species of fish that they at they
don't even have
a price on it at the market okay you can go on youtube and look up recipes for
these fishes and
there's no recipes because in the history we've never fucking caught these
goddamn things because
they swim so deep so my theory is that since we fished out the fucking ocean
that human beings have
moved up on the menu where before we were sort of this weirdo thing on the last
fucking page
and now we've moved up to like the second course and uh pretty soon we'll be an
entree and i don't
mean entree as in the main dish the way they say it in america i mean it in france
where you're the
appetizer you're the first thing first thing that they're going for entree as
an enter you're entering
the meal um anyway but one thing i've noticed with all of these vacation hot
spots is they all say the
same shit it's always reported in a rare shark attack look up shark attack and
i'm telling you
the word that you're going to keep seeing is rare a rare shark attack so i'm
like okay these shark
attacks are rare right in a rare shark attack so i looked up the caribbean or
the caribbean is it
caribbean or caribbean tomato tomato bangles bangles um they sit in the caribbean
they average 20 to 30
a year that's not rare that's like you know almost three a month two to three a
month that's not
fucking rare they never say come to the bahamas in swimming waters where we
average two to three shark
attacks per month
you know most of them are just nibbles i love when they say that like they go
like they don't want to
eat you they're just sort of curious oh is that what it is i i don't want a
curious bite from a shark
hey what happened to that section of your leg it seems to be uh there's a
little void there on the
back of your thigh where your hamstring used to be oh you know a tiger shark
was uh you know he was
just curious i'll tell you they're they're inquisitive little devils those
those fucking sharks
there is no goddamn way there is no fucking way until the fish come back the
fish come back at night
the fish come back at night until the fish come back the fish come back um
menace though until the fish fucking come back and those goddamn sharks have
something to eat
i i am calling it right now all right you want to bet the over on shark attacks
australia says they average 20 a year 20 attacks a year but then they they downgrade
i mean they they 20 rare okay let me ask you this if you did heroin twice a
year would you say your
heroin use was rare
listen i only nod off like twice a month do you do you um do you shoot drugs
yes
but only 20 to 30 times a year i have to be honest with you though like are you
addicted
oh my god am i gonna look that up are you addicted if you do heroin 30 times a
year
that'd be a fucking great thing to say in rehab
how come how come all we do is talk about the month where i did it
you know what about the 335 days where i didn't do it hello hello exactly
i gotta look that up at what point are you addicted
at what point will i fucking stop picking this recorder up and setting it back
down again on the floor
all right while i look this up enjoys tears for fears
um how many times a year before you are addicted the science of addiction
addiction john hopkins johnny johnny hops learn more about addiction how long
does it take
to break the habit of addiction all right let's see what we say oh this is the
wrong fucking
it takes 21 days to break an addiction the old belief that it took 21 days to
change habit
has now been labeled a myth yeah like the earth being round according to
psychologists while it may take
approximately 21 days of conscious and consistent effort to create a new habit
it takes far longer to
break an existing habit well then you know i bet a lot of people who go to the
beach go bill 20 to 30
like millions of people go into the fucking right that's what they say all
right which i
understand i do understand that but like you know when what we're talking about
is being eaten alive
uh you know i still don't like those percentages i'm just saying that you know
what i mean and a lot
of you guys who are like fucking beach goers and anti-vaxxers you know use the
opposite thing when you
decided not to get vaccinated you'd be like well fucking there was somebody in
uh fucking tupelo mississippi
you got the booster shot and all of a sudden they fucking robbed the liquor
store right you that
made sense to you right it's all about crunching the number maybe that's what
it is it's just crunching
number you don't want to get the vaccine so you're just going to focus on
people that had a bad reaction
to it and then people that want the vaccine but look at all the people that
didn't and it's same thing
with beach goers and i'm afraid of the ocean so all i'm going to do is look at
the shark it's look at that
i learned something from you and you learned something from me
um so maybe it is maybe that's the thing how many people go to the caribbean
each year
caribbean destination received an estimated 32 million and so it's literally
one in a million
1.3 million verse okay how many people go to the caribbean each year verse how
many get bitten
by a shark yearly worldwide shark you know what nobody's gonna have these
fucking nobody's gonna
give me the stats that i need you know why because they're afraid of the
results um the isaf
is that literally the international shark oh shark attack file hey big boy what
do you do for a living
i work for the isaf is that a branch of the military no it goes beyond these
borders sweetheart
it's the international shark attack file that sounds exciting um the floor the
florida museum of natural
histories international shark attack file investigated 137 alleged shark human
interactions worldwide in 2021
they're still calling them a legend you show up you don't have a calf anymore
got bitten by a shark or so you say jesus christ how much money are sharks the
shark lobby throwing at
fucking politicians to get them to look the other way even sharks are into payola
isaf confirmed 73
unprovoked shark attack shark bites on humans and 39 provoked bites okay unprovoked
bites i think the
second you go in the in the ocean you're provoking unprovoked bites are defined
as incidents in which
a bite on a live human see look at
look how they're already starting to crunch these numbers and frame it trying
to make a ball
to strike a bite on a live human as opposed to what some mob hit that they with
the big
who got thrown in the ocean that one doesn't count unprovoked oh my god how
psyched were they
when big got thrown in they probably didn't appreciate that with what they
thought was a
seal was wearing a track suit and sneakers um unprovoked bites are defined as
incidents in
which a bite on a live human occurs in the shark's natural habitat with no
human provocation of the
shark do you see how many loopholes are in that the shark's natural habitat is
the ocean
all right i mean it's not walking down the street like the old snl land shark
shit right what is a shark's natural habitat oh this is some slippery fucking
political
shit here what is a shark's quote natural habitat there we go somebody else
says they are found in just
about every kind of ocean habitat including the deep sea open sea coral reefs
and under the arctic ice
whenever they wherever they live sharks play an important role in ocean
ecosystems especially the
larger species that are more scary to people they put quote scary um as if you're
not really scared as
if it's your issue all right provoked bites occur when a human initiates
interaction with the shark in
some way these include instant instances when divers are bitten after harassing
or trying to touch sharks
bites on spear fishers bites on people attempting to feed sharks bites
occurring while unhooking or removing
a shark from a fish net and so forth of the remaining 25 cases four involved
bites to motorized or
non-motorized marine vessels boat bites and one involved shark inflicted post-mortem
bites
scavenge oh like if you drowned oh i get it five cases were regarded as doubtful
or incidents that did
not likely involve the shark these included one case attributed to a stingray
you fucking
pussy three attributed to bony fish don't they all have bones and one to injury
in one injury and one to
injury associated with scraping against a rock yeah that's something i would do
i'd scrape against a rock and
i'd be like shark get everybody to go back to the beach in a single case the
nature of the incident was
unclear with the available data an additional 14 cases could not be confirmed
as a shark human interaction
yeah they seem they kind of i i feel like they're sort of spinning the numbers
down um
but anyway by all means if you enjoy the beach don't listen to me if you enjoy
tears for fear don't
listen to me especially if you're a woman in chains um dude you know that shark
that killed that guy
in sydney australia that the news media asked if they had found the shark yet
like how are you going
to tell i don't know they got like helicopters flying the helicopter can only
go out so far
does the shark hang around the area do they look do they do they do they use
zip to find the shark