Name: Fight With Nia and NyQuil Dreams - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2022-03-11T16:45:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fight With Nia and NyQuil Dreams - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fight With Nia and NyQuil Dreams - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-11. Transcript available.

um well there you go that's all i got going on in my life oh my oh let me oh my
wife oh let me
tell you let me tell we had we had a couple of dumb fights this week right so i
had like super
early calls where i had to get up and like set the alarm at like 4 40 in the
morning so the first day
you know i'm sleeping next to her and it goes whatever the fuck it does it's an
old school
alarm but whatever that's what it sounds like right it literally sounds like a
duck is telling
the worst story ever right next to your fucking ear right just starting off on
10 it's like dude
build the story you know start low and take me somewhere like quack yeah that's
how you do it
you know just come right out of the fucking gate hey you wouldn't believe what
fucking happened to me
these goddamn ducks with their fucking stupid stories there so um anyway i
fucking uh i wake up
you know after a rough night because i'm fighting off this cold because both of
my kids you know have
colds you know so i'm going to bed you know i'm taking nyquil okay you take nyquil
you go to bed
and you have like those cold medicine dreams you know where you wake up in the
morning you're like
did i commit a crime last night or was that like no no that didn't happen that
didn't happen that i beat
the fucking shit out of that guy at the gym i had a dream last night i beat the
shit out of this
like it was this weird thing where i was going to use the bench not for benching
to do tricep work
which is a really that's a fucking no-no at the gym you know what i mean
because everybody goes and
does their chest everybody weren't wants to work on their chesticles so the
ladies can be like oh my god
you're so are you he-man i thought you were he-man um yeah and then you don't
do any back exercises and
your fucking shoulders come forward and then you fight rotator cuff issues like
i am for the last
fucking goddamn forever right but i'll do it if there's nobody else in the gym
and there's another
like bench station available but in this dream i just went over and i did it
and as i did it this
other fucking guy wanted to use the bench so i'm sitting there and he walks up
to me and just ever
so gently he slapped me in the face twice the first time i'm like do i know
this guy and then he did it
again and i'm like what the fuck and then for whatever reason he was on that
that you know that
station that um you fucking you stand up on and then your forearms support you
as you take your feet
off the where you have your feet and then you lift your legs up and you do ab
work he got on one of
those and i just went up and i just grabbed him by his fucking throat and i
started slapping him and i
was just screaming you don't fucking slap me you know this is this is because i'm
telling you nyquil
is fucking amazing and then it's also like you know you're gonna have some
really weird violent at
least i do i have like violent dreams and i commit crimes and i assault people
i don't know what's going
on so i had those dreams and then i wake up and i had after having a beach
salad and then i think i'm dying
um so whatever that's what the fuck i'm going through right so anyway so my
fucking alarm
fucking goes off and my wife's like what oh my god jesus pillows right and she
fucking goes back to
sleep so anyway and i go to work right like the fucking man i am i trudge out
the door with my
script time to make the donuts right i go out fucking door and i go down to
crafty she fucking
gets around it's crafty right i get my little breakfast on set as they say out
here on location
and i get a text about three hours later and my wife she says hey can you do me
a favor if you have
another early call time tomorrow you know can you can you sleep downstairs or
whatever or sleep out
you know in in my room above the garage can you sleep out there that's what she
wanted me to do right
so i come home you know and she sent that laughing emojis she tried she was
trying to be nice
to a nyquil man with beet juice in his urine right so i come home right and she
goes do you have another
early call tomorrow you know not how was your day not oh there's my man who
went out and earned some
money so we can all eat cornflakes tomorrow morning that's not what she said it's
not what she said at all
she said do you have another early call time tomorrow and i said yes i do and
she goes can
you sleep above the garage and i said i'm not sleeping there because what if
this is the night
some fucking guy comes through the front door and i'm out there sleeping and
god knows what happens
to you guys now that might have been the night quill talking but that was the
first it's the first
thing i thought of so i don't do that and the next morning 4 40 in the morning
so i get up and i can feel her anger in the dark i can feel her anger so i go
in trudging in you know
and i'm in the shower and when i'm in the shower she comes walking in to use
the bathroom and she
walks by with the fucking this look on her face okay like she's that guy in the
league that never
gets a fucking offensive foul right she comes fucking walking right by and i
was so fucking mad i'm like
i'm thinking like i'm the fucking girl good enough at 4 40 to go fucking work
you're gonna go back to
sleep right so i did what most adults does right as she got out of my vision i
gave her the double
finger from inside the fucking shower right this is this is what you do when
you're married okay and um
you know she was like mad at me and i'm thinking like rather than me just being
like bill you know
you're leaving and then she has to take care of two kids and you're waking her
up at 4 40 in the
morning rather than thinking that i'm thinking like you know i'm the guy
getting up going outside to go
pretend to be something i'm not a little respect right so i fucking leave i go
to work right to be
or not to be that is the question okay could you do it this time and not stress
it is could you stress
the be yeah i got it all right still roll it to be or not to be that is the
question that was the one
that was the one right so i come home for work all right now she's two days
getting woken up at 4 40
all right and i also got up at 4 40 so tensions are rising like russia ukraine
within my marriage this
is like what's happening like troops have been brought to the border um anyway
so i fucking uh
yeah so i do my day right and i came home and then later on that now you know
she's a little
fucking grumpy right i'm a little tired so you see what's gonna happen okay you
have a high pressure
system next to a low pressure so you know what's gonna happen right so she goes
outside at one point
towards the end of the night when i'm getting ready to go to bed and she walks
out she leaves the front door
open wide open as we have the heat cranked so i'm one of those dads where i'm
just like we got the heat on
fucking close the doors that's how i was brought up what jeez what are you
really brought up in a barn
i always loved that when my parents would say that to me were you raised in a
barn it's like well why
don't you think back you raised me i think pretty much we were in a garrison
colonial um so she leaves
the door wide open so i just go to like just not close it all the way i'm
leaving the door
ajar and as i'm going to close it she's outside going like i'm coming back in i'm
coming right
back in don't close the door i'm coming right back in do i listen no i'm like i
don't give a
fuck the heat is cranked and it's going outside all right so i just close it
like that and then you
know she comes she was bringing a kid seated you know all she had to do was
just shoulder the door a
little bit it would have swung wide open so now she's not really mad about that
she's mad because
she hasn't gotten the right amount of sleep because my fucking thespian douchebag
ass is
fucking waking up at her up too at 4 40 in the morning right so she just comes
she's like why would
you do that why would you close the door when i said i said i didn't close the
door i just i just
don't understand why you would do that and then i was just like i was like you
know what why would
you give me a dirty look when i'm the guy going out the fucking door making the
money to make
to earn money for the cheerios it's because i'm not talking about that right
had this big dumb
fight where she of course immediately tried to make up with me because she's
more mature than i am
right and i'm like i'm still mad right and then the next day she texts me after
i got up after
sleeping over the garage another 4 40 in the morning
right going back off to work to be or not to be that is the question all right
she texts me about
halfway through the day how's it going all right that's not what she said she
said how's it going
because she's a sweetheart and i said well i love you again which got a big
laugh via text and it was over
Just like that.