Name: I Hate the Ocean - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2022-03-14T16:00:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'I Hate the Ocean - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'I Hate the Ocean - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-14. Transcript available.

you know so i was talking to a surfer yesterday um right isn't that surfing
song before it became
a quentin tarantino pulp fiction song um surfer rock music right i was talking
to him he's like
you know dolphins are kind of cunts he didn't say it like that but that's
basically what he was
saying and he was saying that the adolescent ones uh you know they don't even
there's nothing to
like when there's shark attacks and shit they they it's jaws dude there's the
fucking mayor going
we're not closing the beach and you're not reporting on that because if you do
we're going
to lose a fuck load of money and all of these fucking dum-dums go to the beach
and they go into
that water and they don't you know literally i mean i'm trying to think of
another environment
that you go to where there's just things that can eat you alive and you're that
close oh i know what
it is it's called the fucking zoo and if you notice when you go to the zoo when
you go to the fucking
zoo they got all those things in cages they have them down in pits and even
then they don't fucking
that doesn't sometimes stop them okay you've seen bears they can fucking open
car doors they'll like
open a refrigerator and lean on it looking for something to eat like this is
their fucking joint
right i mean you really got to watch they're like toddlers like toddlers watch
you open a door and
they're just clocking everything is that how it goes then they start trying
with their little fucking
cute hands bears are the same way all right um but i remember hearing this
story i think it was up in
san francisco this guy was teasing like a tiger or a lion i think it was a
tiger and he was fucking with
this thing and it was down in a pit and it got so fucking mad it had so much
adrenaline it jumped up
out of the fucking pit ran by a bunch of other people and went right to this
guy and fucking mauled
him to death okay unless that's an urban myth i looked it up i think it was in
the san francisco
so-and-so and that's a legitimate paper up there look it up let me know if that's
true or not
um but yeah those same fucking you would never go out into the wilderness or in
the jungle
with no fucking weapon all right all you dear urine guys proud to be an
american
i'm shooting my own food when the dollar collapses i'm gonna fucking eat you i'll
shoot you in your
torso get you center mass then take out my ginsu and cut meat off your ass
sorry that was
reference to the japanese army in world war ii um what the fuck am i talking
about yeah you would
never go out there with no fucking weapon all right but people every goddamn
day do that when
they go into the fucking ocean and there's so many goddamn i just it just
fucking blows my mind
and everybody's like dude you know what the fucking odds are you don't know
what the odds are
because every fucking town has a mayor like the guy in jaws yelling at chief
brody notice whenever
they say a shark attack they always put rare a very rare shark attack it's not
rare the only thing rare
is the meat coming off your fucking body
unless you're like unless you're a redhead you've been out in the sun too long
then you might be a
medium rare um so this guy the surfer man mahalo man he fucking told me old freckles
himself he told me
that they had this thing i think down in florida where these adolescent
dolphins you know these juvie
dolphins that should have been sent somewhere he got in their fucking dolphin
mind rights that their
job in the world is to fucking study in the ocean so someday they can support
their family working at
sea world they were grabbing swimmers and pulling them down and drowning them
and they were sticking
in this cave and they went down there and they found a bunch of bones from
these people that they probably
just said was drownings and the mayor was saying like i don't don't don't say
it was a shark attack
and it was actually dolphins dolphins everybody who we think give a shit about
us because there was a
show called flipper 50 years ago on television and you know you got to
understand that dolphins can't
help you out dolphins are like spider-man it all depends on what suit they're
wearing that day okay if
they had the red and blue one like two out of the three colors on our flag out
here in america right
they're the they're the he's they're the good spider-man they're the good
dolphin but if they put on the suit
of color then they're the bad and what message does that send to the dolphin
community