Name: St. Patrick’s Day and Snakes in Ireland - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2022-03-18T16:00:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'St. Patrick’s Day and Snakes in Ireland - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'St. Patrick’s Day and Snakes in Ireland - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-18. Transcript available.

How the hell you're doing on this wonderful Friday that also happens to be St.
Patrick's Day.
Oh, the legend. The legend of St. Patrick. I'm looking it up right now.
What happened? Did he chase the rats out of fucking town so everybody could go
back to boozing in peace?
What happened? The legend of St. Patrick.
There are many legends associated with the life of St. Patrick.
According to one, he miraculously drove all the snakes of Ireland into the sea.
He is said to have used the three leaflets of the shamrock to explain the
concept of the Holy Trinity.
The Holy Trinity. Is that garlic, onions, and something else in New Orleans?
He reportedly raised as many as 33 people from the dead.
Oh, he's like Irish Jesus.
Except typical Irish guy, he didn't do it for himself like Jesus did, the
selfish hippie.
He did it for other people. He did it for other people.
And then they were like, Patty, St. Patty, you all right?
And he's just like, yeah, I'm good.
Well, don't you want to fucking live forever?
No, no, I'm fine.
No, I'm fine, laddie.
You just go on and you're fucking whatever the fuck you want to do.
Anyway, happy St. Patrick's Day to everybody.
If you're smart.
Oh, shit. My kid's taking a nap. Sorry.
If you're smart, you know, and you're of a certain age, you'll stay out of the
bars.
I mean, this is just a shit show.
People just, they should be, you know, you go to a bowling alley, they give you
bowling shoes.
Like, this is the day they should just, you should come in, check your shoes,
and you get a pair of shoes to puke in.
Right? The old puke in loafers.
There's a number on the back.
Every number says zero.
Yeah, I'm not going to lie to you.
I used to go out on St. Patrick's Day.
And, but I didn't, not very long.
By my late 20s, I was just like, all right, this is fucking stupid.
You know, this is the Valentine's, this is Valentine's Day for alcoholics.
Where every, you can't get a fucking seat.
Everything's booked up.
There's a line everywhere.
It's a big fucking pain in the ass.
Everybody's dressed like an asshole.
It's the exact same thing.
Why don't I go out boozing on the 18th?
When I can get a seat when everybody's hungover.
Same thing, right?
Celebrate your relationship on February 15th or 16th.
Although I think the restaurants are starting to get a little wise to it.
But they can't really justify it yet.
I think eventually they're going to move it to Valentine's Week.
Spelled W-E-A-K.
But fortunately, you know, most of the women that I've been talking to, they're
all like,
yeah, I think it's fucking stupid.
Let's check this out here.
Wait, does that mean there's no snakes in fucking Ireland?
Are there?
Well, since St. Paddy left, they all came back.
Are there any snakes in Ireland?
Well, that's a nice setup for a joke.
Yeah, talk to my neighbor.
All right, Ireland is one of many countries where there are no snakes.
Wow, they must be fascinated by those fucking things.
There's snakes in my country and I fucking, I'm freaked out by them.
You just can't tell where they're going.
You know what I mean?
They got too many moves.
You just got to stare at the head.
You know, you're a running back.
You just, you know, you just look at their hips, aim for that shit.
Don't go for the head movement.
The snake's the exact opposite, right?
Fucking sidewinder looking at you.
He's going to the side.
They got to have something called a snake killer, right?
Big goddamn pole with a fucking meat cleaver on it.
No snakes in Ireland.
Isn't that amazing?
I guess they can't swim, huh?
They must have missed the boat.
Because according to, you know, these fucking people here, whatever you call
them, the people
that actually study, like, land.
What do you call those people?
Landscapers?
Horticulturists?
No, smarter than a landscaper, smarter than a horticulturist, smarter than a
paleontologist.
They, like, hang with paleontologists.
Like, they give each other a little tip of the cap, and I think they look down
on horticulturists,
botanists, landscapers.
Like, landscapers are the cigarette smokers of people that work with the land,
you know?
Despite, I feel, their work is displayed more often than anybody else's.