Name: Bribing My Son With Cookies - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2022-04-08T16:00:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bribing My Son With Cookies - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bribing My Son With Cookies - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-08. Transcript available.

I have gotten into a bad habit as a parent where I bribe my son with cookies,
you know,
because he's like super strong and really strong-willed.
And like, if you start, if you're carrying him, like, okay, we're going inside,
you go
to pick him up, he just like grabs two handfuls of your t-shirt and he starts,
no, no, no,
he starts pointing the other way.
So the other day there was some people over and they were, you know, trimming
the trees.
Let me get fires out here, you got to make sure you don't have all this shit
touching your
house, right?
So they're trimming the trees and my son was just fascinated by it.
And he was going, hi, hi, saying hello to everybody because he's a little
sweetheart.
And every time I would go to go inside, he would just grab me like I owed him
money, just
two handfuls of t-shirt and he would start flipping out.
And then finally, I was like, oh, you want to keep watching him?
He's like, yeah.
And I'm like, all right.
And then finally, I was like, dude, we have to go inside because I got to go to
the airport
and everything.
And he starts, you know, flipping out again.
And finally, I just go, I go, you want a cookie?
And then he just looks at the workers in the tree and he waves.
He goes, bye-bye.
He started walking in the house.
I go, cookie?
He goes, cookie.
So I gave him half a Girl Scout cookie.
It's kind of funny.
You know what?
I'm finding like, you know, the good cop, bad cop thing in my relationship with
my lovely
wife is, sorry, I'm yawning here.
I'm still fucking wiped out.
I'm finding is she's more of a disciplinarian, which is good.
Like she calls him out on their shit and I'm just too much of a softie.
So what I really have to do, but I'm smart enough that I know I cannot
undermine, you got
you got to be a unified front as a couple with your kids or else they'll just
start, you know,
going around.
They'll just, they'll just go to the person that's going to say yes in that
situation.
But I have to admit, it's like really, it's really hard for me because I have
to admit,
like when, when a kid has a meltdown, I just think it's, it's fucking funny to
me.
It's funny or I just go, all right, what are we doing here?
What are we doing here?
But it's like funny to me, but like my wife is so good at seeing what that
behavior is
going to lead to.
I think I, I have too much of like, you know, I got yelled at as a kid.
I didn't like that.
So I'm going to be, you know, I'm going to take a different approach.
And I think my kids, both of them already know that I'm, I'm the softie that
they can
kind of get over on.
So I got to kind of like, you know, I got to come on my wife's way because, you
know,
she knows all the tricks.
She goes, no, what she does is when she doesn't like her dinner, she just says
she's full
and then her stomach hurts.
And then we throw it out.
And then like an hour later, she says she's hungry and then asks for what she
really wants.
I mean, that sounds like a really simple caper, right?
But she was getting me on it all the time.
And I was like, oh, I don't want you to go to bed hungry.
What do you want?
You want some, you want some cereal?
My wife is looking at me like, this is why she's not eating her vegetables.
She's doing this.
And then I, then I'm like, oh yeah, you're right.
Like I'm a more, I really am a fucking moron when it comes to that shit.
So, um, and I'll tell you one of my favorite things in the world is watching my
wife be
a mother because she is amazing at it.
She has, everything is like perfectly balanced.
She's silly.
She's fun.
She's affectionate.
And, but then she knows when to drop the hammer.
Like, all right, that's enough.
That's enough.
That's enough.
And I know what you're doing.
You know, I feel like I'm Sergeant Schultz on fucking, what was it?
At McHale's Navy on, uh, not Kelly's Heroes.
The fuck was that called?
Yeah, Jesus Christ.
I see nothing.
Hogan's Heroes.
There we go.