Name: Homelessness And Pregnancies - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2022-05-06T16:15:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Homelessness And Pregnancies - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Homelessness And Pregnancies - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-06. Transcript available.

This is such a weird thing.
You know, when I get like overly busy like this,
like occasionally, you know, when I'm driving to work
and I just see some homeless persons,
like just their feet hanging out of their tent,
I'm actually envious going like, you know,
I know that person has a lot of stress.
Like how are they going to get their fucking change
to go get something at Arby's today?
But right now, as we're all sitting in traffic
and that person is snoozing on that nice sun-baked
warm piece of concrete, their feet hanging out, you know,
you just look at them, you know, grass is always greener.
I just look at that person thinking, you know,
that person doesn't have to take a Zoom call today, do they?
They don't have a Zoom meeting.
They don't have to make some concessions.
Or maybe they do.
First concession they make
is they don't have a fucking mattress.
Maybe that's the next thing.
I'll buy some mattress from Helix, Helix?
You know, I'll buy some mattresses
and just go stick them out on the sidewalk.
That'll piss off everybody in the neighborhood.
Why are you helping them out?
It was bad enough they were sleeping there
and now they're fucking?
Oh, come on.
That's how I'll combat them taking away the right to an abortion
is I'm just going to start giving homeless people mattresses.
So then there'll be a bunch of like little homeless babies out there.
This is getting dark.
A bunch of homeless babies out there
and people will feel so bad.
They'll be like, oh my God, this breaks my heart.
You should be allowed to kill those things
before they're born again.
Um, anyway.
Oh, what a wonderful world.
I see babies be in birth
that nobody wants.
Now that they're born,
everyone walks away
and I say to myself,
why didn't you flush it down the toilet?
Sorry.
Let's talk about something
that isn't depressing.
Because who knows?
Who really knows the right answer to that?
You know what I mean?
God.
That guy hasn't weighed in on a conversation in forever.
I know there's a bunch of lunatics out there
that think that he's listening.
They think he's watching.
I think they need to bring steroids back.
You know, like they should lead,
like now that we've legalized weed,
okay,
and I feel like if they're going to take
the right to abortion away,
then we should get something,
like steroids.
You know what I mean?
Steroid would be great.
Steroids should be legal
for all those, you know,
soon-to-be single moms out there
from the trucker that banged them
or whatever the fuck happened
and the guy takes off.
She's going to need to be jacked
because she's going to be the only one
caring for that child.
Maybe she can go get some manual labor.
Of all the fucking things
to take away during global warming,
you're going to take away abortion?
Like there's not to,
we have over 7 billion people
and you're going to take away
people's right to kill some?
I mean, what are we doing?
You know what?
I think I'm going to go Hollywood
and I'm going to get a hair transplant
and when I can grow my hair long enough
to put it into a ponytail,
I'm going to film myself
in front of the Senate
arguing for people still be,
to be allowed to kill their babies.
That is the move
when you've done everything
you can do in Hollywood.
The next move is
you get involved in politics.
Now that you've been on a movie set
and nobody can tell you what to do
because you sell tickets,
you know,
that power gets boring after a while.
You want to go,
like what if,
you know,
I'm just running a movie set.
What if I was running a country
and then they get involved in that shit
and then you have to go,
right,
you got to have your long actor hair,
right,
highlighted,
you know,
you know,
you know that,
it's basically a comb over
with a beautiful head of hair,
right,
it's a comb over
and then they cut it straight,
like right across
where the jugular is.
Then you have your highlights
and then you pull it back
into a ponytail
so everybody knows
that you're serious now,
that this is serious you
and you put on a suit,
you know,
but there's still a little bit
of flair in there
that people know that,
you know,
you're still giving,
you know,
you're still building your brand
as that guy's guy
that just lights up
the silver screen
and then you go in there
with your pet project,
you know,
save the porpoises
or whatever the fuck it is
you're trying to do
and you affect change,
you loan your celebrity
to the rest of us.
All right,
I don't even know
what the fuck I'm talking about
and I'm sitting in a parking lot
waiting to go in
to edit the next
10 minutes
of the movie
or six minutes.
You do six minutes a day
and that's actually
a decent pace
when you're editing a movie
and this is how
you walk in every day
and you watch
the next six minutes
of your movie
and you're like,
this is a giant
steaming pile of shit.
I'm never going to work
in this business again
and then you start editing
and then by the end of the day
you're on like this high
because you fixed
that six minutes.
You're like,
holy fuck,
this is going to be great.
I think this is going to be
really great
and everybody's in the room
like,
yeah man,
this is going to be
a fucking hit,
right?
And you go home
and you feel good.
You know,
you go home,
you slap your wife
on the ass
and you say,
do you realize
the fucking genius
that you married?
You cute so-and-so,
right?
And then she goes,
how come you're not asking
about my day,
right?
And then you go to bed
and you drive to work
and the dread starts coming again
because you know
you're going to look
at the next six minutes
and whatever that fucking euphoria was
the night before
is all going to go away
and your knees
are going to be up to your chest
and you're going to be crying
in the fetal position
and then your editor
is going to coax you
off the couch
and go,
come on,
come on,
let's just take it
10 seconds at a time
and that's what I'm about
ready to walk into.
The next horrifying,
no,
it's actually not that bad.
Everybody told me
that when you look
at the original assembly,
the assembly of the movie
which is all the footage
in chronological order
that you're going to
want to kill yourself
and I didn't want to kill myself.
I didn't want to kill myself
until the third day.
I actually felt good
the first two days
and then ever since then
I've been suicidal
every morning
Monday through Friday
but I've been told
by every other director
out there
that this is the normal process
of editing something.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.