Name: CLARK KENT F*CKED UP MY CAR! - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2022-05-13T02:14:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'CLARK KENT F*CKED UP MY CAR! - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'CLARK KENT F*CKED UP MY CAR! - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-13. Transcript available.

Oh, freckles! What does he do? What does he do? I fucking...
Alright, I'll tell you what happened a few weeks ago, and then you'll guess
what I'm about ready to tell you.
So I fucking finally got my car fixed.
Alright?
Because my beautiful son closed the friggin' gate on it.
As I was backing out.
You know, all of a sudden I just heard the gate hit my car. I'm like, how the
hell did I hit the gate?
I've never hit the gate in my life. I looked, it wasn't there.
And then I looked up, and my son was just pressing down on the remote control
with, like, every fiber of his being.
It was hilarious with this crazy look on his face.
As toddlers do when they're trying to, you know, do something that requires a
little bit of effort, right?
So, alright.
So it fucks up my door and my side view mirror or whatever, and I was shooting
the movie.
So my car's fucked up the entire time I'm doing the movie.
And I'm one of those guys. Some people get a dent in their car and they don't
ever get it fixed.
I'm not one of those people. I go down, I get it fucking fixed.
I'm not riding around in a goddamn jalopy.
I never understood why parents just let their cars go to shit.
You know?
And look, if you don't have the fucking money to fix it, I get that.
But when you have the money to fix it and you're just content to drive around
with a big fucking dent in the side of your car,
I just think it says something about you.
You know?
That, you know, you're there to do the job, but if you don't quite do it great,
you're alright with it.
As long as it kinda gets done.
I don't like it.
You know what I mean?
It's like someone who wears a short-sleeved dress shirt underneath a sport coat.
And you're looking at their wrists, you know, when they go to reach for
something instead of their shirt.
There's just, there's a sloppiness to it.
Alright?
And I think it reflects on how people see you.
The way you present yourself.
So anyway, I finally get my car fixed.
I'm fucking psyched.
I got it back two weeks ago.
Last night, I go down to the Avalon.
Drive all the way over there, right?
It's a premiere for the George Carlin documentary done by the incredible Mike
Bonfiglio.
And they're having a premiere for it.
It's old freckles.
You know, ran his yap in that dock for a little bit.
They asked me to come down to premiere and I said, absolutely.
It's George Carlin.
Know him.
Know me.
He's on the Mount Rushmore.
Of course I'm gonna go down there.
So I go down there.
My beautiful car with no dents.
Nice clear wrap on it to save the paint.
I fucking go over.
I do the red carpet.
You know, answering all the questions.
Standing there.
Doing the fucking step and repeat.
The whole thing.
And all of a sudden, this guy comes up to me.
He goes, hey, you drive the blah, blah, blah.
And I said, yeah.
He said, oh, man.
He goes, I go, why?
He goes, somebody just backed into it.
I go, you gotta be fucking kidding me.
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
I just got the fucking thing fixed.
And I'm going over there.
You got, you fucking gotta be.
And I walk over.
I'm looking at the doors.
Everything's fine.
He goes, no, it's on the front.
And I go around the front.
There's all this white shit.
Streak mark on the front.
And he got the fucking, the cover to the front light.
Fuck that up too.
Right?
And then this guy gets out.
Nice enough person.
Right?
Dressed like fucking Clark Kent.
Sport coat and everything.
He goes, oh, sorry.
I'm like, what have you?
He goes, I was backing in.
I just want to be like, how the fuck did you hit it?
How the fuck did you hit my car?
There's backup cameras in cars.
And they got the fucking sensor that beeps.
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
Stop, you fucking moron.
And he still backs into my fucking car.
Fucking talking.
What the fuck were you doing?
And I just was like, look, I don't want to fucking do this.
So I'm just like, all right, whatever.
He goes, you want to exchange papers?
It's like, I don't want to continue this relationship.
I've known you for fucking eight seconds and you're backed into my car.
Why do I want to know who you are?
I'm like, no, forget it.
And he was like, oh, I was going to say I'm a big fan of your comedy.
I'm sure he's a nice enough guy.
But that fucking guy, if you're listening, you fucking suck at driving.
And there is no excuse for that.
You have a fucking backup camera.
And it's not like he just dinged it.
He fucking banged into it.
I don't know.
I don't fucking do.
I don't like.
I have to tell you, it is better because back in the day when I first moved out
here and I had my Prius, I couldn't keep the bumpers looking nice.
Every time I get them fixed, like fucking within a week, somebody would bump
into them, you know, parking or whatever.
But since then, since the backup camera is like that shit's not supposed to
happen.
It's supposed to be fail safe.
So, whatever.
Whatever.
He did say let's exchange papers, but I'd never do that.
It's like, I don't want to get involved in all of that.
Then my person has to call your person and then your person says this and then
my person says that.
And then everybody has to circle back and then talk.
It's just like, just fuck it.
Fuck it.
I'll go down there.
I'll go down to those sons of bitches that fixed my fucking car and, you know,
and they tell me what it's going to be.
And then I go down there with the credit card and they say, no, my friend, you
said it was going to be cash.
And I said, no, I didn't.
And they said, my friend, this is what we have down there.
First of all, we're not friends.
We're not friends.
We're friends because you fixed my car.
You know, this isn't Mad Max, you know, when we're in the middle of the desert.
Then we could do that fucking bro handshake where instead of shaking hands, we
fucking grab each other's forearms.
All right.
But as long as society is still working and people still believe in the dollar,
you just provided a service.
So we're not friends.
Okay, my friend.
Anyway, I love when you go to those places and they only want cash.
Don't you always immediately just feel like you're looking over your shoulder
like somebody's going to come run in here and try to rob this place?
Oh, I'm in a mood.
Why, Bill?
Well, because you care about society or because some fucking four-eyed cunt
backed into your fucking car despite having every piece of technology to not
make that happen.
You know, you know that thing that your parents used to say?
You just can't have anything nice.
We just can't have anything nice.
That's what I feel like right now.
Whatever.
I'll get the car fixed and I'll forget about it.
I just know when I go back to my friends, my friend, my friend, they're going
to think that I did it.
I'm going to be like, I didn't do it.
And they're going to be like, okay, my friend.
My friend, it's okay.
Did you not have the sensor turned on?
You know I can put on a better sensor, my friend.
My friend.
All right.
Is it okay if I use my credit card?
Of course, my friend.
Ten days later when it's done.
Okay.
You said cash.
No, my friend.
We said cash.
Oh, you know, you paid the card.
It's going to be more money, my friend.
I love my friend because nobody says that.
You know, it's not like you, you know, you go to France.
Bonjour.
They actually say that.
I just love how a group of people comes over here and they latch on to shit
that is English and they create these expressions that nobody fucking uses.
Like Paul Verzi created, you know.
End of the day, you got to find out what that dog has in his, what is it?
You got to see what that dog has in its fucking mouth.
And I am determined to turn that into an expression, my friend.
People, by the way, if you have a backup camera and you have the sensor, just,
you know, go on YouTube and learn how to use it.
What does it mean when the beeps get faster?
What does it mean when the beeps going beep?
What does that mean?
Fucking idiot.
All right.
Well, that's the podcast here for Thursday.
Thank you guys so much for listening.
I forgive that fucking Clark Kent bastard for backing into my car.
I'm trying to anyway.