Name: My Son Is Hilarious - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2022-05-24T16:45:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'My Son Is Hilarious - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'My Son Is Hilarious - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-24. Transcript available.

I found that when I became a parent.
Just a lot of negative shit.
People, oh, get some sleep.
How old's your kid?
Oh, yeah?
How's he acting?
He's acting good.
Oh, wait till your kid's my age.
It's like, you ever think maybe you suck at it?
Maybe you suck at being a parent?
I don't know.
Speaking of that, I came home and I have like these, you know,
weekend daddy-daughter dates that I do when I come back from the road.
It's the fucking best.
And I actually pulled my truck out of the garage.
And my son is afraid of my truck.
Not afraid.
He likes the truck.
He still calls it a car.
He goes, Dada's car.
And he goes, vroom, vroom.
He does that, right?
Which, of course, just makes me almost cry.
I'm like, oh, my.
He's a fucking man.
He likes a fucking truck, right?
So he loves the garage.
Like when I opened the garage, he squats all the way down.
Like they do another reference to Vietnam.
You know how they do that?
That great thing that people in Asia do, rather than standing up, they squat
all the way down,
which is fucking great for you, they're finding.
You know what I mean?
You don't end up being that old guy with the blanket on his legs, you know, who
needs help getting up.
That fucking blanket that becomes part of your pants after a while, right?
So he squats down like that because he wants to see all the stuff.
And he knows he has to wait till the door stops.
And then he runs in.
He's all excited.
So he's always been afraid to go into my truck because, you know, it's dark in
there and shit like that.
So I had to be like, nice truck, nice truck.
So he's literally petting the outside of it.
And then I got him to the point where I opened the door.
He was sort of petting the side of the seat.
And then today I had it out because I was going to, you know, I drive it on the
weekends, right?
So I had it out and he saw it and he was like fucking freaking out.
And I brought him down there and I don't, you know, I just sort of sat into the
truck with him and it was light out.
And I was like, hey, buddy, you want to go for a ride?
He's like, yeah.
I don't even think he even knew what it was, what that meant.
I don't know if that word is in his wheelhouse yet.
And I turned the engine on and it started up.
And he just started screaming.
No, no, when I, he looked at me, he was like, whoa.
And then when I started moving, just creeping forward, like an eighth of a mile
an hour.
He fucking just went like, yeah.
Just like it almost hurt my ear how much he was screaming.
He was so frigging excited.
And yeah, so I just kept driving him to the end of the driveway.
And then I would back up and just drive to the end of the driveway.
And he absolutely loved it.
And the only way I could get him out of my truck was I had to bribe him with a
cookie.
That's the only thing that gets him.
When he gets, when he gets fucking locked in and he wants to do some shit.
He's a real like smart kid, strong-minded kid.
And when he gets locked in and he wants to do something, the only, there's only
one way out.
Payola in the form of a cookie, right?
So I go, okay, buddy, we have to, we have to go out.
You know, this new thing.
He goes, no way.
And it makes me laugh every time.
And he sees me laughing.
So now he takes me even less seriously.
So I have to like, I just have to go like, you know, I got to go payola.
So I go, come on, buddy.
Come on.
We have to go.
It's almost dinner time.
You know, I got to put the truck away.
Okay.
We got to get out of the truck.
He's like, no way.
And I finally just go, uh, I go, you want a cookie?
He just turns his head to me.
He goes, yeah.
Bye-bye car.
Bye-bye car.
And the whole thing's over.
That's all you got to do.
You know, I don't know.
How do vegans do it?
I don't get how they do it.
You know, those people that, you know, those people that like, they care so
much about their
kids, they fuck them up, feed them like seaweed and all of that shit.
You know, at some point, you know, you got to give your kid a hot dog.
I guess you don't, you know.