Name: Figuring Life Out - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2022-05-24T17:00:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Figuring Life Out - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Figuring Life Out - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-24. Transcript available.

for the most part.
I think we'll be all right.
Oh, do you, Bill?
And what level did you play baseball at?
I made it to the majors in Little League.
I did.
I played one year of Little League,
and then I made it to the majors in fifth grade
where you could steal bases, which was fucking cool.
But then I got a D in math, and then that was it.
My parents were just like, your academics come first.
And then that was it.
I was off the team.
And then I never asked to play again
because it was just too, it was just, you know what I mean?
Just too much.
It's like, I'm not going through that fucking shit again.
You know, I can get a D.
I can keep getting Ds in math
and not have to deal with turning in a uniform.
And that's what I did.
I cut out the turning in the uniform part,
and I just continued to get Ds in math
and all of that shit.
I don't know.
I always wondered what would happen
if I actually fucking, I don't know,
was good at school.
Like, where would I have been?
Because, you know, you know what there is?
There really is.
There's the you that's born,
and then there's this shit that happens to you.
And then, you know, you spend the rest of your life
trying to figure out, like,
you know, what would I have been?
Oh, man, that's an interesting movie.
You know?
I actually think sometimes
that when you actually work your way back
to who you were supposed to be,
you then die.
Isn't that weird?
Like, how many times did you see,
but he had just gotten his life together.
He was sober.
He was the happiest he'd ever been, right?
He went deep sea fishing.
The hook caught him in the seat of the pants,
and he threw himself overboard.
Right in the mouth of a killer whale.
Oh, you should have seen the look on his face.
He didn't even care.
He was happy.
You know what?
You know what?
Hey, hey, hey.
He figured it out.
And that's when everybody else goes,
he figured it out.
And everybody does a fucking...
Yeah, because, you know,
miserable motherfuckers live forever.
Assholes live forever.
It's almost like God's, like,
putting off seeing them.
Like, all right.
I know.
I'll get to it.
I'll get to it.
Bring me a couple of sweethearts, all right?
I got a fucking headache today.
You know?
Like, so many, like, musicians,
comedians.
Stevie Ray Vaughan got sober,
put out his best fucking album,
and then we lose him.
Sam Kinison was sober,
was on his way back,
was going to get back to the Sam
that he was when he first fucking hit.
And it was,
as a fan of stand-up,
and I just started doing stand-up
and everything like that.
I couldn't fucking wait to see
what that guy was going to talk about,
and he's taken from us.
You know what I mean?
Donald Trump, Joe Biden,
still fucking living.
Still alive.
Still alive.
Trump's eating fucking McDonald's every day.
Fucking dude won't die.
All right?
Joe Biden, maybe,
he probably had McDonald's,
he doesn't fucking remember.
I actually sat down and started,
I was reading,
I got a couple of just
trashy fucking magazines.
You know, there's no magazine.
You know what's funny?
Those are the only fucking magazines
that seem to be left.
Magazine stands are gone,
and then just like the,
just the,
you know,
an older, wiser,
who gives a fuck
talks about how she finally
figured it all out.
Whenever I see those articles,
I just think to myself,
you didn't figure it all out,
or God would have taken you.
You would have been dead.
You know?
That's it.
You figure it out,
you get happy,
then you die,
and then God's like,
fucking De Niro.
Come here, you.
Come here, you.
Okay?
You didn't rat out your friends.
You didn't blame other people
for your problems.
You got sober,
and you figured it out.
All right?
That's what God looks like
in my world.
He's like Jimmy the Gent,
minus the murdering.
Although he does create murderers, doesn't he?
Or is that the devil?