Name: Social Media Wh*res - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2022-06-10T16:45:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Social Media Wh*res - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Social Media Wh*res - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-10. Transcript available.

And if you're someone who listens regularly to this podcast, you're probably
thinking to yourself,
hey Bill, what's with the quiet, glum, fucking tone?
This is not why I listen to this podcast.
I listen to this podcast for laughs.
So why don't you pick up the energy and dance, you bald, orange, freckled
monkey?
Huh?
Everybody's asleep upstairs, so I got to be quiet here.
Speaking of orange monkeys, you must have seen that fucking video.
It was all over the gram, as the kids call it, the gram.
Actually, nobody's like on Instagram anymore.
Oh my God.
Everybody's on, it's like all about TikTok.
That was like so fucking two years ago.
You fucking social media whores.
I love how people like keep, you know, I'm not even on Facebook anymore.
Like that's like a fucking status thing now.
Oh really?
Is Facebook not cool enough for you yet?
You know what they like?
They're like those fucking jerk off club kids.
Are there even clubs anymore?
You know?
Or do you just go on Amazon and you order shit that you'd see in the club and
it comes right to your house and you have your own club in your house?
I love how cunts are doing that now.
Everybody's just fucking, I'll tell you these goddamn kids today, they don't
even fucking go out and go buy toothpaste.
They fucking order it through Amazon and then some fucking idiot pulls up on a
giant UPS truck and hands you a tube of toothpaste.
I mean, is there any wonder why there's so many fat fucking kids out there?
You know what I mean?
Just a bunch of fucking lardasses with like jacked 0% body fat fingers from
fucking typing on their keyboard, ordering goddamn cupcakes.
If their fucking, if their bodies were in the fucking shape their fingers are
from copying and pasting and hash tagging on their, whatever.
Oh Jesus, he's extra grumpy tonight.
Yeah, all these fucking social media whores.
At what point are you going to get some self-esteem and just realize that, you
know, it's just the same cunts going from fucking platform to platform.
Oh, is that where the cool kids are now?
Think about it.
Think how many times you put on your whorey makeup and got on a Friendster.
And then you went on fucking Facebook and then MySpace.
And then Facebook opened it up to everybody.
And then, oh, the fucking parents ruined it.
Fucking ruined Facebook, right?
And then where'd you go?
Vine?
Was that the next one?
Twitter was somewhere in there.
I just remember comics going, oh, dude, are you on Twitter yet?
You got to get on Twitter.
Are you on Vine?
Dude, Vine's the next thing.
Dude, are you on Instagram?
I stopped on Instagram.
I'm just going to grow old with my followers on Instagram.
Like some fucking old Vegas act.
Every couple of years, you just move down to a smaller and smaller room.
So you literally, you know, it gets to the point people are checking into the
hotel and they can take in your show.
While they wait for their turn to get their fucking keys.
You're standing over there in the corner.
You know, welcome to Harris.
Welcome to O'Shea's, everybody.
Congratulations.
You hit rock bottom.
You hit rock bottom, right?
And then you fucking, you're making those jokes and then you get reprimanded.
We got some complaints from some of the customers that you were making them
feel bad about staying here.
Do you have a comment on that?
Yeah, I do have a comment on that.
You have dollar craps.
All right.
Stop acting like you don't know what the fuck you're attracting here.
Roach has skipped this fucking place.
Did you guys ever go to O'Shea's?
Should have called it O'Jesus.
Sorry.
O'Shea's was this fucking casino.
I used to work the improv at Harris way back in the day.
There's no improv there anymore.
I used to work then.
This guy used to come out on a fucking unicycle with makeup on to that fucking
song.
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na.
You all ready for this?
Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.
And I just remember him in between shows.
Just nice as can be.
Just sitting there.
You know, with his fucking makeup on and his goddamn unicycle.
And the level of depression that I had to fight off because he was such a
fucking nice guy.
And I'm like, what would this fucking business do to this guy?
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na.
And he'd get out there and he'd be fucking hopping up and down on that fucking
thing.
Putting on this show.
You know, the thing where you pedal forward and backwards, you know, so you don't
fucking tip over.
Fourteen times I would watch that guy.
Two shows Tuesday.
Two shows Wednesday.
Two Thursday.
Two Friday.
Two Saturday.
Two Sunday.
It was nothing longer than that fucking week.
Oh, my God.
My favorite time during those weeks at Harris was like the second I said goodnight
on the second show.
And it was just like, oh, my God.
Let's get out of this fucking casino.
And I would just go with the other actor.
He would just get the fuck out of there.
And the unicycle guy was old so he wouldn't hang with us.
I forget his name.
He's a real nice guy.
You know, he'd be taking his fucking makeup off as you were getting ready to do
your second show.
All right, man.
Take it easy.
He would leave.
And you'd go out and go do your fucking show.
And this is back when people gambled, too.
So the shows were quick.
That was the one thing.
Get him in and get him the fuck back on the floor.
And we'd walk out.
And every once in a while, you'd just go next door to that fucking O'Shea's.
Great thing about O'Shea's is you could gamble like James Bond.
Meaning you could sit there for like a fucking hour and not go broke because it
was so cheap.
That was the first thing I learned.
The first time I took my wife to a casino, I sat down to play.
I think I was playing craps or something.
A roulette.
One of those dumbass games.
And you just show up and like within five minutes, you've lost all your money.
And you're like, where's the part where I sit down in my white tuxedo?
And they come over and offer me a drink for nothing.
When the fuck does that happen?
Like how much money do you need to have at these fucking places, you know?
So I used to go over to fucking O'Shea's, OG's, and you could sit there and
fucking gamble for like an hour or whatever until it was boring.
Or go over to Caesars.
Dude, I've been doing it long enough.
I was out in Vegas before that tiger attacked that guy.
Like they were across the street, Siegfried and Roy.
Rest their souls were still doing shows when I first came out.
Danny Gans was still alive.
The amount of fucking people that died since I started.
Oh my God, this is getting dark.
Y'all ready for this?
That was the, like in the 90s, that was the let's get the party started fucking
song.
There was a few clubs that just had these songs that they would play to start
the shows.
And they just fucking played them forever.
And you'd come back, you know, you wouldn't play the club for two years.
And they'd get ready to start the show and they'd play the same theme music.
And you're like, they're still playing this?
Like I remember the Comedy Connection at Faneuil Hall.
Used to play this guitar instrumental.
That White Cliffs of Dover.
It was this fucking, I don't know what it was.
It was like a fucking Mormon.
A virgin Mormon, right?
Before he has 28 wives, right?
Would fucking, if he wrote a guitar solo, like that's what it would sound like.
It was just fucking, I don't even know what it was.
It was weird.
It was like upbeat and happy.
Which, none of the music I was listening to at that time.
I can't even explain it.
It was just like, maybe it's, I think it has more to do with me than the poor
bastard that wrote that fucking song.
I just wanted to say, did you have any pain in life?
Like what in the fuck am I listening to right now?
Maybe he's one of those people that had like so much fucking pain that his
thing was,
I'm just going to bring joy to people.
Like your brain, you hear that song, like your brain just, you couldn't think
anything after.
So anyways, I hadn't played that, I remember they played that,
like I was living in Boston when I started out.
Or outside of Boston.
And I used to give them shit, like even back then.
Going, are you ever going to change this fucking song?
It started off with that weird,
this fucking weird intro.
Some weird shit like that.
Then it'd go,
I'm telling you, fucking something like that, right?
I just threw like three different bookers of it.
I was like, are you guys ever going to change this song?
And they would just laugh.
Thinking I was making a big deal out of nothing.
But they had no idea how fucking depressing it was,
was to leave Boston.
And come back like a year later and finally get a gig there.
And they're still playing that fucking song.
Still have the same carpet.
Everything got a little older.
Waitresses got older.
I got older.
It just made you think about dying.
If you're new to this podcast,
it's usually not this fucking bleak or dark.
But anyways, all these fucking social media whores
reminded me of back in the day when I lived in New York.
And it was right as Paris and Nikki Hilton were getting famous.
And they were sort of writing about these club kids,
these rich kids, you know, of Manhattan socialites.
Not like everybody down there was like, you know,
wasn't like the Hiltons were hanging out with the fucking Four Seasons kids
and the Macy's fucking cousins or whatever.
But like, whatever.
They were down there.
And I just remember what always struck me as so funny was there'd be a club
and it would be the hottest fucking thing ever.
And everyone would be a big fucking line down the street.
All these who is.
All these women dress like who is.
They dress like fucking prostitutes.
Who's kidding who?
You know what I mean?
Remember back in the day you'd see a prostitute walking down the street?
You would see them.
Now you probably see them, but now they're just dressed.
Everybody dresses like them.
Everybody fucking brought out there seems to be dressing like them.
Walking around with no goddamn clothes on.
What are you talking about, Bill?
I don't know.
Just talking generally speaking.
I mean, they just sort of pushed it to the limit
of how you can dress up a vagina seductively
to the point now the only place to go
is to just walk down the street with just heels on.
But anyways, these fucking kids,
they'd be all about this fucking place, right?
And then all of a sudden,
the new place across the street would open up.
And then that was the place.
And then the other place across the street would die.
This slow death.
And it's just like, it's the same jerk offs.
You guys just all walked across the fucking street
and they just sort of dressed it up differently.
Social media is like that.
It's the same fucking, oh, really, Bill?
Have you figured out social media, you freckled cunt?
I like to think I have, you know?