Name: Drinking Coffee And Turning 54! - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2022-06-15T16:30:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Drinking Coffee And Turning 54! - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Drinking Coffee And Turning 54! - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-15. Transcript available.

You know, I mentioned a while back, I mentioned it, I floated it out there to
see if you guys would take the hint.
No, I didn't mention it. I was talking how I became a coffee drinker at 53, now
54 years old.
FOA. 53, 54. 1, 2, 3. 3 was New York.
Toydy Toyd Street. I remember that guy on the downtown 6.
Next stop, Toydy Toyd Street.
I felt like I was in a Sylvester and Tweety cartoon.
So, I started with a cappuccino, I don't like regular coffee, and then I
eventually just moved to espresso with nothing in it.
No calories, no nothing, just give me the fucking gas.
And, you know what I realized?
The reason why coffee is so popular in this country?
Because we don't have siestas.
They don't let you take a nap in the afternoon.
That's what the fuck you need, that's what you're plowing through.
If you get 8 hours sleep, you don't need coffee in the morning.
All right?
But then what happens?
You know, you get older in the afternoon.
Your body's like, hey, why don't we just take, you know, a little 10, 15
minutes.
That's all I need.
The other day, I was in the editing room, and I was laying on the couch in my
writing party.
I go, you just edit the next few minutes.
Just hang on a second.
And I just put my sweatshirt over my head.
I fell asleep for 8 minutes.
I fucking woke up.
I felt like I had a double shot of espresso.
I was ready to go.
I was chopping.
I was slicing.
I was dicing.
So that's what I'm kind of realizing, because I just took a fucking nap before
I did this podcast.
You know, I was laying on the couch.
I'm like, oh, God, I got to go out there and run my fucking freckled yap for a
goddamn hour.
And I was feeling tired.
I'm like, God, I just closed my eyes here for a second.
You know what I mean?
Fell asleep with, like, somehow my arms over my head, because I put the pillow
over my eyes.
My eyes.
And I woke up 8 minutes later refreshed, and I couldn't feel from, like, my
shoulders down,
because my fucking arms fell asleep.
But I feel good.
So anyway, I had a great fucking weekend.
It was my birthday weekend.
Oh, Billy Boy, he's 54.
54 and looking good.
Looking good, you know?
I mean, I'm closer to the grave there, but I'm looking good.
Okay?
It's going to be a nice, light box.
I'm not doing that.
I'm fucking cremating, without a doubt.
People are like, well, aren't you nervous?
They're going to fucking burn you up.
It's like, I'd rather, well, what, am I going to die again?
And if I die again, get it over with.
I'll lay there for fucking, how long does it take?
Even if it's fucking 20 minutes.
To turn into ashes?
As opposed to, if you're still alive, laying in the ground, in the dark,
waiting for the worms to come?
Fuck that all day.
Plus, you know what I mean?
It's one of the stupidest things ever to have a fucking grave.
Here lies this fucking guy who's no longer here.
You know, so stupid.
So dumb.
You know?
Especially with the environment.
They should be using dead people as fertilizer if we didn't eat so much shit.
You know what I mean?
Can you imagine that?
All the McDonald's you ate going into the soil?
That would be the fucking end of us.
I've got to be honest with you.
Well, all the fucking quarter pounds of cheese I've eaten in my lifetime, when
they cremate me, dude, it's going to be a quick one.
It's going to go up like a fucking bowling alley.
Now, there's an old school expression.
Oh, it went up like a fucking bowling alley.
I don't know why they used to say that.
I think I always wondered why.
I only heard, like, a few people use that expression when I was a kid.
I remember asking somebody.
He said, oh, it's the wax they put on the lanes.
It's like, that sounds like you just made that up.
It made sense to me as a kid.
I just remember I tried to use that expression when I was younger.
I was like, yeah, it'll go up like a fucking bowling alley.
And all my friends were looking at me like, what are you, 102 years old?
Where the fuck did that go?
I was like, all right.
I won't say that anymore.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I did a couple of sets this weekend.
First one didn't go so well.
Second one went great.
I got a bunch of new shit.
Already replacing the shit that the fucking conservative snowflakes,
the six of them, didn't fucking like.
I'm ready to go.
I'm ready to go.
Ready to go.
And I got, what do I got?
Redding, Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania.
This weekend, coming up, a couple other, whatever.
I'm going to run my hour, make sure I'm ready to go for that shit.
And then I also had a chance to play some drums.
I also took my kid to a birthday party, drove him in the old truck, went
swimming.
Oh, Billy, big weekend.
Anyway, let me do the reads here.
Before I talk your fucking ears off.
How about the Red Sox, huh?
Great road trip.
32 and 29 we are.
We're up with three games over 500.
And what I love is it doesn't matter how good the Yankees are doing because
there's the wild card now.
It's insane.
It's almost like they reward people for not doing well.
What is it, all about money?
Look at this.
It's already June 13th.
The summer is just flying by.
You know?
Have you taken the time to fill up your above-ground pool yet?
Get in there after a couple of sliders.
You know what's great about an above-ground pool?
You know, as an adult, if you drown in an above-ground pool, it's just like,
you know, I got to Google that at some point.
There's no fucking way.
There's no diving board.
Your feet are on the ground.
I mean, it's basically a giant, it's like the iced coffee version of like a
fucking hot tub.
It's for everybody.
Everybody just stands there.
They have their elbows on the edges.
The above-ground pool.
You know what I mean?
It's a great way to clean your driveway at the end of the fucking season.
Just open that door, let it all run out.
Neighbors across the street with both arms out.
The classic fucking serious.
And then you hit him with the eyebrows up.
Like, is there a problem?
You know, those silent fucking things you have with your neighbor?
He's got his arms out.
You got your eyebrows up.
Whoever talks first loses.
Dude, I am absolutely fucking obsessed with power washing.
I got this, uh, this is, I don't know what the fuck it is.
These, these berries.
Sherry's berries?
Not Sherry's berries.
These are just regular berries.
I wouldn't eat them because I know some berries are, uh, they're poisonous.
According to some of the fairy tales that I used to read.
Can you say fairy tales anymore?
Is that considered homophobic?
There's not one gay character in this.
Sorry.
The, uh, what would you just call it?
The, um, light in the loafers tales.
Whatever the fuck you're supposed to say.
Um, anyway, uh, yeah, you don't eat the berries.
The witch makes you eat them.
Right?
I love how the stepsisters were ugly.
I didn't buy that part.
You know, that, that Cinderella was gorgeous and the stepsisters were ugly.
They should, they should have made the stepsisters, you know, beautiful anyway.
I mean, they already established that they're a couple of cunts.
So, like, why do you got to do the double whammy where they're, they're cunts
and they're ugly?
I gotta be honest with you, there's not too many ugly cunts out there.
You have to have a certain level of beauty to be a cunt.
That's not true.
Look at me.
I'm a cunt's cunt.
Um, anyway, it sounded good.
Sometimes things in your head sound good and you say them out loud.
You're like, the math doesn't add up on that.
Jesus Christ, that just brought me to some bad fucking memories.
Solving problems during a test in math class.
Then you do this and you carry the wand.
First, outside, inside, last.
And this doesn't fucking add up!
The worst one.
The worst one was when you had the answer.
And you had to come up with the fucking question.
Because when you just had to come up with an answer, when they just gave you a
question,
you had that hope that, hey, you know, maybe I got it.
I mean, it felt good.
You know, my hand wasn't shaky when I wrote those numbers.
Maybe, uh, who knows?
And a broken clock's right twice a day, isn't it?
Right?
You had that, you had that, you had that going for you.
But when the answer was already there, and the question didn't add up, you know,
that's when your bottom lip started going like,
Are you crying?
No.
There's no crying in Algebra 2 and Trig.
Stay after class.
I want to talk to you.
All right.
Fucking class, bell would ring.
And you start walking out like, you know, hoping he forgot what he just said to
you 45 seconds ago.
You know, Mr. Burr?
I believe we had a little talking to him, eh?
Your friends laughed.
They went off to lunch to go eat a square fucking rectangle slice of pizza.
Also known as a grandmother's slice.
A Sicilian slice.
A bathroom tile of fucking carbohydrates.
There you go, you know, it's usually served with a side of green beans or
something fucking stupid.
Whatever they had left over as a vegetable to make it seem like they were
trying.
You know?
That's all you had to do back when I was coming up in school.
Something gross and then like a fucking whatever vegetable is left over.
It's just like, hey, you know, what do you want for fucking 95 cents?
Then I remember it was a dollar five.
Fucking assholes.
Just call it a dollar.
Fucking got to sit there walking around with nickels.
Now here's your five nickels for the week.
And here's your five dollars.
Keep these together.
These are a set.
Okay, ma.