Name: Alicia Keys - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2022-06-21T17:00:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Alicia Keys - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Alicia Keys - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-21. Transcript available.

here we go let's where are we we got some we got some we got some people
writing in
we got questions here alicia keys
uh afternoon billy bistro tits you know people i've been going to the gym for a
couple of months
right now and i'm telling you i'm getting my fucking revenge body back all
right when i get
out there in my two-piece bikini this this summer okay i think these these
these insults are gonna
stop all right just listen to your podcast from thursday and wanted to quickly
say that what you
were talking about regarding alicia keys i was saying is that really her last
name what are the
odds her last names are keys and she ends up being a grammy award-winning piano
play pianist
uh he said it's called nomin nomin nominative nominative god i hate like more
than three
syllables nominative that's why i can never fucking hang with italians i was
good with the first name
nino right and then you get to the second name ah jesus a lot of vowels uh
determinism
nominative determinism that that's how you say basically the idea that someone
called
john bread is almost destined to become a baker or edward scissorhands becoming
a barber
um he should have been called edward pooper scooper if he knew who the fuck he
was gonna be dating
years later now now i've written now i've written it now that i've written it i
realized how unbelievably
dull this email is no it isn't that's like um envisioning whatever that success
thing that people
have jesus christ if i see one more stupid celebrity posting a fucking video
trying to inspire me what what
at what point did all of these people become qualified like what makes you
fucking qualified
what because you twirl around on a fucking stage nobody gives a shit and nobody
asks you shut the
fuck up um now i've written he says i realize how unbelievably dull this email
is but i've always
wanted to write in just to say how much i enjoy the podcast and also how
valuable i can imagine me
actually doing this as you guys write in to me for advice to actually criticize
other people doing the
exact same thing and also how valuable some of the things that you say about
your parenting has been
for me oh look at that wait a minute am i an influencer uh more than once you've
made me look at myself
and consider the impact of my actions on my daughter wow keep on keeping on
yeah that's why i kind of laid
off the nba finals when i saw my daughter looking at me when we were playing
candyland and i'm screaming
about the refs going oh of course there here we go every game this is what they
do and she's looking at me
like who the fuck is this guy i was like all right she doesn't need to see that
guy not now not ever
taping the games watching them when she goes to sleep uh what is there to do in
albuquerque
dear bill i'm a 51 year old female hey a lady i love when the ladies finally
write in
i wonder why they don't oh because i'm a misogynistic cunt i'm a 51 year old
female
ups driver in southwest kansas i listen to your part jesus christ talk about
the last vehicle you
want to be in in tornado alley is driving that fucking thing how quickly you're
gonna get nice
little crosswind you're done i listen to your podcast when i'm working so i don't
have to listen
to my thoughts i love this person thanks for helping me get through the day i'll
do my very best to put
the punctuation where they belong so your head doesn't explode uh when i was in
the fifth grade
i was sent to the reading trailer so i feel your pain when it comes to reading
oh is that what they
had a trailer oh no and that's out in kansas so there wasn't any fucking trees
there it was just
right out there in the open i appreciate your common sense approach when it
comes to persuading
others to consider another view i'm married to a ginger who wears sunblock
religiously good for him
he's my rock long story short he's my third husband um and i wish i would have
calmed the
fuck down in my first marriage uh my second ex-husband is in prison wait he's
my third husband and i wish
i would have calmed the fuck down in my first marriage oh you see saying you
fucked up your first
one the second one was a lunatic uh my second my second ex-husband is in prison
i wonder what he
did i remind myself of a puppy that just chews the hell out of everything but
finally is able to sit
on the porch and appreciate life you know is there anything better than an
adult actually just owning
up to hey you know the bed i'm laying and i basically made um anyway she says i'm
taking my 12 year
old grandson on the train to albuquerque for a few days do you have any
suggestions on where to go or
what to do with a 12 year old no um i only went out there to do stand-up gigs
and i used to do breaking
bad out there and i would land and go right to wardrobe and i would go to work
i mean that was
one of the greatest and most efficient sets i was ever on and usually i'm barnstorming
through i did go up
to santa fe one time we shot up there that was a blast um well i would think
that there's incredible
hiking i know they do that hot air balloon thing if you're into that take some
dirt bikes out there's a
lot of stuff to do in nature and then i would think there's a ton of like uh
native american stuff you
can check out i will tell you this it's one of the most beautiful states i've
ever been in
and one of the most fascinating things about it is you can see the weather
coming like you can see
a rainstorm off in the distance or whatever you know um i wish i had more i i
haven't been to
albuquerque that many times but i mean i know there's a lot of good bars there
i don't think you're
taking your 12 year old there but there's plenty of great food i would think
the mexican is fucking
incredible there uh that's where i would start they also have all like these
websites and stuff i would do
that but i think it's really cool um i remember going uh to the grand canyon vegas
and and uh
los angeles with my grandmother and we had a blast we had a fucking blast so
that's really cool that
you're doing that um all right what else we got here uh sorry i wish i could
have given you more
advice um do i have my phone with me though i do i have a little thing in my
phone called places to go
so every time i you know go somewhere i know the places to go jesus christ that's
how fucking basic
my brain is i have all these lists of restaurants and all of this shit and
stuff to do and all of that
in my phone i'm scrolling right now i'm looking for maybe new mexico i'd have
another rhode
island seattle st louis looks like we blew by it then i go to australia canada
europe all right wait a
second i don't have anything come on gotta have something new orleans new
jersey new haven new york
yeah it's under cities and states let's look up albuquerque alba jerky there albuquerque
i don't know i know they have some incredible you want to take some ufc classes
um i know they got
some a lot of champions come from what do they call it something city god damn
it this woman said it
too when she was a badass duke city or something like that i forget what i was
just like i'm not
fucking with i mean i gotta go around fucking with people but anyway um sorry i
wish i could anybody has
any ideas just write in and i'll i'll do it on the next podcast anybody from albuquerque
listening
what where should this person go there we go i'm gonna phone a friend on this
one all right