Name: Calgary Drunks - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2022-06-24T16:30:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Calgary Drunks - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Calgary Drunks - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-24. Transcript available.

I'm actually on my way down to the comedy store right now to run my act, you
know, so I'm not rusty.
When I go up to go do Portland, I got Portland, I'm somewhere in Washington.
It's not Seattle or Tacoma. I don't really quite know where I'm going to be.
I think it begins with an A. Then I'm in Vancouver, and then I go over to Calgary.
Now, Vancouver is like, you know, very like, I don't know what, very cosmopolitan
city.
Calgary, they're a bunch of animals.
I mean, they are like, you know, if you were going to get into a fight, you'd
want to get into a fight in Vancouver.
You would not want to get into a fight in fucking Calgary.
I mean, I mean, I grew up in Massachusetts with maniacs.
I went to Calgary. I was like, these fucking people can drink.
Those fucking people.
Whenever I think of doing stand-up in Calgary, all I remember is just the
amount of times I heard an empty beer bottle
accidentally get kicked over in whatever venue I was playing in, and it had
like no rug or anything.
And I just kept hearing that throughout the show.
And they were a great crowd and all of that.
But God damn it, were they drunk.
That goes all the way back to when I did stand-up.
I did this amazing tour out there with Paul Verzi.
I'd be afraid to know how long ago that was.
It was probably the better part of eight years ago.
When we did that tour, we started in Moncton, worked our way east, and then
came all the way across.
And I think the last night we ended up in Cal...
Because we did two shows in Calgary, and then we went to Vancouver, and then
they added another fucking show back in Calgary.
And that's where we ended.
Oh, my God.
That's right.
Oh, fuck.
And Verzi got like, he got extra fucked up that night.
And I had to stay up with him to make sure that he was going to make his car,
because I had a later flight.
And I remember we got to the...
You know, you can just tell your friends kind of blacking out.
You know?
They just have like that fucking far away look in their eye.
Like half a smile.
All of a sudden, they look like they don't know how to read.
That was a look he had on his face.
And we've all been there.
I'm not judging the man.
You know?
Just saying.
So, that should be a...
It should be a good time.
It's Tuesday evening, man!
And the Tampa Bay Lightning pull out game four and avoid getting swept by what
looks like the inevitable Stanley Cup champs.
Champions, you're a Colorado avalanche.
However, there's a lot of pride in that Tampa Bay Lightning team.
Don't you forget, they got 10 days on that cup twice.
And I'll tell you right now, it's going to take them more than a thing or two
for them to...
It's not going to roll over.
You know, you can bet you have bippy.
I have not watched one second of this series.
I'm just showing you how easy it is to talk mildly intelligent about sports
like I have throughout the years.
I did watch the Boston Red Sox tonight win their seventh series in a row.
They're like seven games above 500.
We're on our way.
We're going to clinch the fucking wild card.
Probably draw the Yankees.
And then all the pressure's going to be on them because they're going to win
like 120 games.
And what's crazy about the playoffs now is you can come limping in, winning 89-90
games, get the fucking wild card, and knock off a team.
You know?
I'll tell you, if they get hot at the right time, I mean, I'll tell you, these
guys could be dangerous.
This is the 89-91 team nobody wants to play.
Sorry, I didn't have time to do the math.
What was it, 162 games?
So that would be 89, just for the fucking rain men out there.
89-73.
I'll tell you right now, this is the 89-73 team nobody wants to play.
All right?
They're a little banged up, you know, but somewhere in August.
Somewhere in August, these guys, they were down eight games, and they had a
meeting.
A players-only meeting.
I told the manager to go fuck himself.
Obviously, what he was doing for the first four months wasn't doing shit.
And, you know, hats off to Eddie Herzog because he let him do it.
And, you know, that's the type of thing.
As a manager, I mean, also part of managing is knowing when not to manage.
Does that make sense?
No one ever says, does that make sense?
You know what says, does that make sense?
Dumb people.
Or maybe, like, non-confident people.
E equals MC squared.
Does that make sense?
Thank you.
That was my unconfident Albert Einstein if he fucking grew up in Massachusetts.
Yeah, so right now I'm trying to get the movie trailer together so when you
guys come out to the show, you can check out, you know, a quick little 90-second
thing before I get out there.
And I will tell you guys this.
When I get this movie done, I think it's going to be great.
It's, you know, it's the tone of my act, basically, this movie.
In that I'm having people talk the way I hear people talk or whatever.
But anyway, I'm going to need to rally the troops.
Like, when this thing comes out, wherever it comes out, in theaters, streaming
or whatever, I'm going to be calling in a favor.
If you guys, Jesus Christ, with the goddamn Lamborghini there.
You know, I never used to like Lamborghinis.
I kind of like them, though.
You know?
I mean, I would never get one.
But I like that somebody does.
I kind of like that one.
That was like Ford Racing Blue with that orange stripe on it.
So, anyway, yeah, I'm going to need you guys to go out and drag like four
people with you just so, you know, I got to make sure these people get their
money back.
Can't have too old for a flop, people.
I'm not going to lie to you.
I'd be one and done.
That's it.
It's like I came up to the pros at fucking 30 years of age.
You let off one fucking deep ball and that's it.
Hey, man, I've been playing some drums, too, by the way.
And I got to tell you, my foot is faster than it's ever been.
I've just been doing this exercise playing just all triplets between the hands
and the feet and that type of shit.
And, like, I don't know, like five or six different licks, one of which being
right kick kick, you know, just going around the drums and all of that shit.
And I think just doing that every day has just really been beneficial for me
and going in and out of each one, sort of trying to flow around the drums like
all of my favorite drummers are able to do.
But I also started doing it with my left foot and, you know, my left foot was
like it belonged to somebody else.
You know what I mean?
Like, that's how bad the thing was.
And I never really developed it.
And now it's actually, like, sort of intermediate fast.
And I was playing along with some Pantera the other day.
You know that Cowboys from Hell?
The end, the double bass bar.
Like, there's, like, three hits to the snare, you know?
Da-da-da-ba-da-ba-da-da-ba.
And I lead with my left foot, for whatever reason, on that.
So it's two kicks and I slip one right in the middle of it.
And it was the tightest and cleanest I've played it.
So, of course, now I'm going on the fucking road.
So I might lose a few BPMs.
But I sat down and I played with Traveling Riverside Blues, which is at 90 BPMs.
And I played along with Good Times, Bad Times.
And I was able to get through most of it.
I kind of feel like I'm right there.
So I'm just going to keep pushing through with this.
So whatever.
I'm a fucking eight-year-old, everybody.
I'm buying a fucking giant Tonka truck for myself and I'm still playing drums.
What are you going to do?
And I'm telling shit jokes in Portland, the state of Washington somewhere,
Vancouver and Calgary.
I'm going to have a great time.
I am bringing Joe Bartnick and Nate Craig with me.
We're going to have an absolute fucking blast.
And I'm really psyched that the Tampa Bay Lightning came back and won one game
to give us another game of hockey here at least.
And so I can watch with those two lunatics.
It's going to be a good time.
So that's it, everybody.
Enjoy the music.