Name: Cards Are Stupid - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2022-07-06T16:00:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Cards Are Stupid - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Cards Are Stupid - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-06. Transcript available.

all right okay where am i overrated cards a few years back my family stopped
doing birthday
christmas and any hallmark oh overrated getting cards you always felt cards
were stupid unless
you bought a blank one i always felt weird like if i bought a mass-produced
card that said a bunch
of romantic shit and i gave it to my wife and she's like oh my god that was so
nice i always
want to be like oh my god i know and 1500 other women in this fucking area code
are reading it
right now um like can you imagine if you actually wrote a card if you wrote a
card in your own penmanship
but you plagiarize some romantic shit that somebody else said and they found
out like it would totally
change their perception of you but i think because like the plagiarism is so
fucking there not plagiarism
the uh the fact that it's it is somebody else's words that you've purchased um
it's so out in the
open that it's invisible and they never stop to think like he doesn't think any
of this shit
somebody else thought this shit who are they thinking of when they wrote who is
who is this
written for um and that person who writes this stuff are they actually in love
or are they writing to
some fantasy person that they never had the nerve to talk to or their idea of
what love is because
they're a sociopath who knows what the fuck you're handling that's why i always
go with the blank card
anyway it's awesome saves a couple of bucks um along with the hassle of going
to the store and looking
for a card that doesn't suck um it always felt like an empty gesture anyway
anyways uh and a text or a
phone call is a lot more personal and meaningful i think a phone call is a text
is still a blow off
hey happy birthday dude i'll tell you underrated anyway keep up the great work
and i cannot wait
to see your movie in theaters and a new special from red rocks oh yeah the red
rock special is coming
uh on i think july 12th or something like that maybe a week from this friday friday
uh the fuck was i
just gonna say that just gave me an idea and i moved on to another idea my
brain works like a
fucking straight lines and i i'm not gonna remember it we were talking about
cards always felt like an
empty gesture you get text oh texting i'll tell you what i'm done doing i am
done responding to a sea of
texts on random holidays like fourth of july there was like five people sent me
hey man
happy fourth of july i didn't respond to any of them i'm not fucking i'm not
spending my fourth of july
going hey bro happy fourth of july to you too and then that starts a
conversation same thing with
happy father's day you know what's the worst is when you get the happy father's
day and you can tell
it's just a cut and paste it just says happy father's day exclamation point i'm
not responding
to that all right i need to see my name in there and see a little bit of
thought then then you can
guilt me into responding i'm not fucking doing it um i'm actually i think i'm
not gonna do it for
christmas you know that you got to like take like 10 minutes or whatever to
just sit okay i'm gonna deal
with all of these fucking things and then the worst is these fucking people
that send that shit you
then say hey thanks a lot merry christmas to you too and then they write
something else back
it's like this this isn't this isn't a conversation that's what i'm starting
here so i'm just i'm i'm
done with all of that maybe that's what you do just tell everybody i'm just
gonna let you know i'm not
wishing you a merry christmas via text okay it's happening right now merry
christmas i said it i'm done
i'm not responding to your your your spam happy holidays horseshit all right
the only one you can't get
out of is your birthday but even then what you do is you write a little
paragraph you copy it and then
you just paste it to each one okay and i know what you're thinking well there's
not a name it doesn't
come off as personal exactly and then maybe next year they don't wish you a
happy birthday and then you can
actually go out and enjoy your birthday why does your birthday involve you
having to take 10 minutes
out of your day to write everybody back that wiggled their thumbs for you huh
do you think
davy crockett or any of the other founding fathers in this country ever had to
do that huh stop in the
middle of their oppressing of other people to take out a feather and write a
fucking letter
oh thanks man uh and just so you know i let everybody know that the raccoon hat
idea was yours
all the best davy crockett