Name: From Marriage To Divorce - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2022-07-07T16:45:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'From Marriage To Divorce - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'From Marriage To Divorce - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-07. Transcript available.

Because I've been to a few, I've been to two weddings where you're just sitting
there going like, I just don't see this connection at all.
I give this, I mean, just because breaking up is hard to do.
I give 18 months maybe, but there's no way they're going through the holidays
twice.
There's no fucking way.
Trying to pick out that card that says all of this shit that you wish you felt
but didn't.
I mean, there's only so many times you can buy that card.
And so the two weddings that I went to that were like that, one of them ended,
I want to say about two years, maybe.
Two and a half years.
And the other one, they're still together as far as I know.
So what the fuck do I know?
I do know the one that like dissolved quickly.
What was cool is it actually dissolved in a nice way.
They were trying to do something, I forget, like around the house.
And they were just fighting.
I just, you know, they just weren't in sync.
And for whatever reason, my buddy just looked at his wife and said, hey, do you
want to like, just like not do this?
And she was like, what?
He was just like, like this, like, this doesn't feel right.
And she was just like, yeah, I know.
That's what it was.
And then he goes, do you like, want to like not do this?
And she was like, yeah.
And then they both laughed.
It was one of those things.
Usually when there's a breakup, there's one person who's just like, this is the
greatest relationship ever.
Right?
I've been that person.
Then he just get hit with that wet sack of potatoes one day of like, yeah,
listen, I'm not into this at all.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
Getting dumped.
Jesus Christ.
And the whole time like, ah, I bet she hated my laugh.
She probably hated the way I slept.
You know, when you're with somebody and you're not in love with them, just
every fucking thing they do after a while becomes a reason to like.
This is how these fucking idiots, you watch on these fucking shows, they kill
their spouses because they don't tell you, teach you how to break up with
somebody.
How do I get out of this?
How do I get out of this?
And then they go from like, you know, the worst thing they did was steal candy
bars when they were kids to try to get away with murder one.
I mean, Jesus fucking Christ.
Talk about not wanting to have that conversation.
You know, you're risking like, you know, if you if you are a religious person
going to hell for the rest of your life.
Why won't you just stay married and just like have that be your help?
Because then even then, I think God would get mad at you.
I gave you a brain.
I gave you a mouth and you just what did you do with it?
Huh?
You talk to the wrong person.
You married the wrong person and then you fucking stayed in it.
And you had kids with the wrong person and they could feel the fucking vibe.
And now they're all out there all fucked.
Now, like God cares to that point.
Like he gives a fuck at that level.
I've come back around people that I believe in a higher power.
All right.
I am there, but I am not.
Nor will I ever.
I don't think you could ever convince me that it's it's it's a higher power
that even remotely gives a shit.
When you look at all the fucking horrible things like take this latest fucking
jerk off who, by the way, if he just looked at his picture, it's like this guy
shouldn't own a gun.
You know, but he just can't walk right in and buy whatever the fuck he wants
because he goes out and did what he did.
Now, here's my thing.
God made that person.
So how do these religious people sit there, you know, and all of that fucking
horse shit about God and the devil.
I just love how the devil is somehow like the same rank is God.
He did everything.
He did everything on this fucking guy and you can actually choose this fucking
guy and do something beyond fucking evil.
Like what happened in Buffalo, Texas and now Chicago.
I'm sure there's a rally going right now.
You know, make it easier.
Make it easier to get guns.
Which is another thing I would love to talk to gun owners.
For some reason, I keep throwing this out there and I just never seem to get
the fucking emails.
Like I understand that whole thing where you don't just want the government to
have arms, you know, in case they get too oppressive that the people can fight
back.
What about modern technology and how far ahead they are with the weaponry that
they have versus what you as a citizen can purchase at a, you know, at a gun
store or Walmart or whatever.
I mean, what they have access, what they have.
The fact that now, you know, some nerd from the math team can be fucking John
Rambo with a drone five states away.
Like how does one combat something like that?
Which once again, I actually think that the government having that level of
weaponry versus the citizens is the least of our problems.
I would say that it's what that we're divided because of these 24 hour fucking
news networks.
Because the bottom line is, is if everybody just said, well, fuck it then.
All right.
Well, we just won't go to work and we're going to stop paying taxes.
And then none of you motherfuckers get to eat.
Now what are you going to do?
Hey, hey, hey, Richie's dig your own ditches.
You can have like all these nonviolent, you know, the problem is, is they get
to use the military on their own people and they have to follow orders.
I have more stripes in my shirt and I told you to point that gun at your own
fucking people.
Oh, this is getting deep.
All right.
Let's, uh, is it getting deep?
The topic's getting deep.
I don't know that what was said was that deep.
Um, all right.
So, um, I did watch a couple of, um, movies.
I watched Dublin, which was not Dublin.
Oh my God.
I keep calling it Dublin.
Oh my God.
Ah, they're going to kill me in Ireland.
I was watching Belfast.
I don't know why I kept calling it Dublin.
Probably because 90% of my tours over there, I always go to Dublin.
And I only went to Belfast once, um, and I got to play that amazing theater
where Led Zeppelin played, um, Ursula Hall were the first place they played Stairway
to Heaven live.
Um, anyway, and I remember being in Belfast.
And I remember the guy that was the security guy, you know, who was running Ursula
Hall.
And I remember, like, meeting that guy.
I was like, and I was like, hey, man, how you doing?
And just his whole fucking vibe.
You could just feel, okay, this guy, it was just a different vibe up there.
We were like, all right, this is not the place to make some wise-ass remark
that might be misunderstood.
Um, but anyway, I saw that movie Belfast.
Belfast, my apologies, and, uh, I really enjoyed that.
It was not what I thought it was gonna be by any stretch of the means.
It was actually, uh, a really cool thing where it was sort of about just the
human relations, relationships there between, you know, husband and wives, like
how, how wives, how it affected them, um, and the decisions people had to make,
and, uh, just pulling families apart and everything.
It was really, really, really interesting movie.
So I enjoyed that one, and then I watched that Clint Eastwood movie, uh, Cry
Macho, and, um, that movie I loved.
I mean, anytime Clint's gonna play a cowboy and get on the horse again, and he
was driving an old Chevy Suburban, um, I, I really enjoyed that one, too.
And, uh, uh, and, uh, other than that, what did I do?
I watched this whole thing that was in French about Air France in the movies,
and it was just this wonderful series, and they had a thing, uh, where they
were talking about the Concorde, the supersonic fucking jet.
You could fly from New York City to France in, like, three hours and 40 minutes.
This was in the late 70s you could do this.
How we went back, and they had one fucking crash, and they douched the whole
goddamn thing.
How many of the fucking 747s have crashed?
I don't see them fucking douching that thing.
It must have just been too prohibitively expensive.
But I did see something recently that they were gonna be bringing supersonic
flight back.
If they could just somehow make those things electric, you know, now that China
bought up all the lithium deposits around the fucking world, um, we could find
a new way to pollute the skies.
There needs to be less people, people.
That's, that's what needs to happen.
That's, that's the solution.
And that is not what I am hearing from Democrats or Republicans.
Go forth and multiply.
Keep the country hawat.
Um, that's one of the theories about that, you know, that whole abortion thing,
that it's really not religious-based.
I mean, they're using the media to stir people up.
You know, I'm not saying that people aren't against it for religious reasons,
but I feel like they're against it for religious reasons because they were told
that God doesn't like it.
Not because God said that.
Who, by the way, has been surprisingly quiet since that book.
Issuing statements right and left like George Steinbrenner when the Yankees
were sub-500 and then just not a peep, not a fucking word from the guy.
But evidently, he weighed in on abortion a long fucking time ago and said he
didn't fucking like it.
Um, I heard, and there's another theory.
I'm not saying that this is true.
Okay?
I'm not trying to be the guy that doesn't have answers, that sits here and acts
like he has answers because there's nobody here to debate with me.
But I actually read this theory that it was racially based because 60% of abortions
were done by white people that they wanted those, they wanted those white
babies.
They needed those white babies so that people who weren't white wouldn't out
fuck us.
I don't know.
Everything sounds fucking nuts to me.
Um, by the way, my buddy, comedian BT was telling me that, uh, this F1 race
might've been one of the best ones ever.
I got to see it.
I saw briefly saw a highlight before I shut it off.
Lewis Hamilton was in the hunt, which is fucking awesome.
As much as I like to tease that guy and everything, it sucks when his car isn't
good.
And I actually met an F1 huge fan who was going to that race at the wedding and
he was saying that, uh, I was going, it's weird how his teammate has a better
car.
And he said, no, he's the more experienced driver.
So he's going to be able to guide them easier on what the car needs.
And, uh, you knew what was going to happen, that they're getting their shit
together and it's just going to be a fucking, it's just going to be
unbelievable racing for the rest of the year.
That's what I'm hoping.
So anyway, I have to watch that.
My DVR recorded it.