Name: Disciplining My Son - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2022-07-08T16:00:35.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Disciplining My Son - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Disciplining My Son - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-08. Transcript available.

Um, all I know is I'm trying to get my, my, my son has, um, is, uh, we're reigning
him in and he's
understanding that the hammer's coming down. I did not like his behavior in
public at the hotel
and stuff. I've realized that I've just been a little too lax with him, overcompensating
for the screaming and yelling that I grew up with. So what I'm doing now, um,
you know,
he gets his little timeouts. He has a little chair and that's where it is. And
it's amazing
because I put him in the fucking chair and he fights it for like 30 seconds and
then he realizes
that's where it's going to, he's going to be. He immediately stops crying. The
temper tantrum's
gone away and it's like, oh, so it is just an act. This is just a manipulation
thing. My thing
is I hear my kids crying. I just wanted to stop because, sorry, I have an old
science chair here.
Um, I just wanted to stop because, yeah, you know, it's your kid crying. It
breaks your
fucking heart. So I just had to push past that. So he is obsessed with my car,
my old truck.
So he starts going, he just, he'll go, dad, his car. He starts at that
emotional level. Not
like dad, his car. He goes, dad, his car. Dad, his car. He starts pointing
outside. Dad,
his car. Dad, dad, dad, please, please. Dad, his car. Dad, his car. So every
time I would be like,
all right, buddy. All right, let's go. And I scoop him up and I would take him
out and I'd put him in
the driver's seat and it started becoming like five, six times a day. You know,
I have shit to do here.
So it's like, I kind of learned that if you give them everything that they want,
the second they
want it, then they get this unrealistic, uh, idea. I know that kind of makes
sense once you say it
out loud, but, so I'm trying to undo that. Um, but fortunately, you know, he's
a smart kid,
really smart kid. So it, it was already taking and he was already changing just
with one day of it.
So, um, it's kind of funny too, to see him sitting in the corner, he was
sitting in the
corner on this little rocking chair, a buddy of mine got him. So he's sitting
on the thing
and, um, he's just looking at me and I'm watching TV and he's being quiet. He's
sort of rocking a
little bit. And then I looked over at him and he was looking at me and I was
trying to stare at him
doing the, I'm not happy with you right now. And he, I was staring at him and
he stares back at me.
And then he kind of did like half a smile. And I swear to God, I think I took
six years off of my
life trying not to smile in that moment. Cause I was trying to make my point,
but he's smiling like,
come on. Hey dad, it's me. What are we doing here? Let's go wrestle. Come on.
Um, my wife read
somewhere, you know, whatever their age is, that's how long you should do it
for. So, which is cool.
Cause he's only two, it's two minutes. Then he comes over and he's all right.
But he's funny
though. When you tell him like, try not to yell, just do a, like a firm voice.
And when I do that
now, he does this thing where he puts his hands over his eyes and then he peeks
through them. And I was
like, and I'll be like, yeah, you can't do that. You have to be nice to your
sister. You understand
me? And then he, he turns his head all the way around like Linda Blair, turns
it like into the
couch. So he won't be looking at you. So it's a copycat league in the family,
everybody. So my wife
was giving me shit about something that I was doing, probably interrupting her
when she was on the phone
or some shit. She started giving me shit about it when we were laying in bed
and I just turned my head
all the way around into the pillow. And she immediately went, Oh, are you sad?
It's a dead
on impression of my son. Speaking of my son and my lovely daughter, um, we got
a fucking coyote
problem. I've had two, two different neighbors tell me, Hey, just to let you
know, there's been
some coyote, you know, jumping over your poor excuse for a fence into the
fucking front yard.
Right. Like, all right. And they're like, do you have a cat or anything like
that? I'm like, no,
it's not our cat, but it fucking just, every fucking animal just waltzes
through our goddamn yard.
Right. So this is some, they said it looked like an adolescent coyote and it
was jumping over back
and forth, back and forth over this thing. So, um, I don't know what I'm
supposed to do about that.
Um, I'll be honest with you. I hope it just kills the cat.
No more food here, buddy. Shut down. Another victim of COVID. It is just shut
down and that's
all there is to it. See you later. No food here. Or maybe I, I do one of my
favorite things to do
is to take a garden hose and point it at a cat. Um, cause they're cunts and the
water doesn't
hurt. And it's just, you know, you just sort of, you put your thumb over the
nozzle, right? Over the
end. Just give them a misting. They do that quick movement. Like, what the fuck?
Is it raining? And
then they realize it's you and they fucking take off. It's like, that's right.
That's right. The water
man's here. You will respect me in my, I almost said my hose. That didn't sound
right.
Okay. When Bill was talking about the cats, that sounded a little rapey. Um,
how about those
Boston Red Sox, huh? Fucking unbelievable. We just can't seem to beat anybody
in the AL East.
There, I said it. We had some kid debuting last night. I watched a little bit
of it between
daddy's car, daddy's car, daddy's car. Um, he has, he sounds like he's in a
horror movie. Um,
anyway, I watched a little bit of that. By the time I turned it on, it was four
to nothing
on the third inning. Um, I want to say we came back and scored a run or
something, but
it didn't matter. Um, so now we got the Yankees. We got the Yankees. So we'll
see. I don't
know. It's just our, uh, our pitching is decent. The bats have just been a
little quiet lately.
Um, we definitely have to get going against stronger rotations. Gee, you think
so, Bill? Yeah,
I'm going to go, I'm going to fucking, I'm going to go with that. That's going
to be my, uh,
my little solution. Um, anyway, I fucking crushed it coming home though. As a
dad, everybody was like
all jet lagged. And I just, I don't know. I, I kind of stayed up. Oh, I know I
stayed up in the
plane. I fucking drank like four cups of coffee. Every time I would start to
get sleepy, I was like,
no, not doing it. I will not fall asleep until 10 o'clock this evening, uh,
West Coast time.
And I was able to do it. And, um, I got back acclimated and everybody else has
just kind of
been fucking, uh, you know, jet lagged or whatever. So I've been just handling
everything,
fucking handling everything. I like doing that shit. Cleaning up, washing
dishes,
you know, giving the kids the baths, just fucking crushing it, going out, huh?
Getting the packages,
huh? Going to CVS, you know, picking up whatever the fuck it is we need and
coming home. Bam,
bam, bam. You know, swinging by my grocery store, getting my kid her favorite
ice cream, just knocking
it the fuck out. Um, yeah.