Name: Meltdown Because Car Cover - Bill Burr
Uploaded: 2022-07-13T16:15:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Meltdown Because Car Cover - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Meltdown Because Car Cover - Bill Burr' from Billy Twinkle Toes on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-13. Transcript available.

and I got my truck washed
and, you know, I had some work done in the garage
and, you know, they had cut a little bit of the ceiling out
and they got this fucking dust all over the place.
By the way, I love when somebody comes over
to your fucking house to fix something
and if you have tools lying around,
they just fucking just start using them.
You know what I mean?
Like I had a ladder in the garage
and I see these footprints
and these guys just fucking use the ladder.
You know what I mean?
Like all of my shit gets drafted
into their little fucking war they have to fight,
like fix and fix.
Bring your own fucking tools.
Use your own fucking tools, you cunts.
They do it all the fucking time.
They're like, they're fucking, I swear to God.
Then another thing that I love too
is they don't give a fuck.
They just leave the door open
because they're walking in and out.
They can't open and close the door.
You get all kinds of flies in the fucking house.
They're fucking animals.
They come in like fucking grizzly bears.
Um, or maybe I just feel emasculated
that I don't know how to fix it,
but I'm just gonna make it be about
that they used my ladder
and left the door open.
Um,
ba-ba-ba-da-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-da.
Oh, I didn't even finish the fucking story.
Oh, so anyway,
so, so I gotta,
I get my truck washed,
so I'm like, well,
I want it to stay looking shiny
and new come aboard.
It's my F-100.
It shifts on the column.
That's what I hang my manhood on.
It shifts on the column.
Um, so I'm like,
all right,
I need to fucking wash the,
the tap,
the car cover there
so I can keep this thing looking good,
right?
So I wash the things,
the big, stupid, bulky fucking thing
and I know good and goddamn well
you can't,
you can wash a car cover,
you can't dry it
unless you have like
some industrial level
giant fucking,
you know,
a dryer the size of a fucking refrigerator
which obviously I don't.
So, um,
I just hang it off the back porch.
I let it dry old style.
Like, step right up,
step right up,
come and see the,
the greatest show on earth,
right?
Like the old days
where the ladies would be out there
hanging their fucking husband's wife beaters,
you know,
wiping their tears and mascara
off the front of it.
They would fucking dry it in the alleys.
I don't even know if they would do that.
I don't even,
they,
I just seen enough movies
where that's where they did it,
you know?
So my,
my,
my truck cover dries
and I bring it out to the gay-rage.
I put the gay in garage,
by the way.
Uh,
because I don't know how to fix anything,
right?
Not saying that gay people can't be handy.
All right?
And I didn't mean that in a sexual way.
Um,
so,
I go out there with the fucking tarp
and this happens to me.
Every time I put this fucking stupid tarp on,
it's an all black,
you know,
soft is a horse's muzzle.
All right?
There's a fucking reference for you.
And,
every time I go to put it on,
I can't figure out which is the front
and which is the back
because there's nothing for the mirrors.
It's just one of those ones
that just goes over,
it goes right over the truck
like fucking,
when you do paper
and somebody else throws out rock,
right?
Just,
right on top like that.
Like a spider on a bug there,
right?
So,
um,
I go to put it on
and of course,
it's not fucking working.
I'm looking for the fucking hole
that I cut for the antenna
and I don't know if moths got at it.
There's a bunch of fucking little
microscopic little holes.
I can't find it
and dude,
I fucking had such a meltdown.
So mad at myself.
It's like every time I put this fucking thing on,
I have to do it like 15 fucking times.
Why don't I just take a magic marker out
and write front
on the front?
Why don't I just fucking do that?
So,
I got this piece of shit
fucking workout little bench
in my,
uh,
in my garage
and I swear to God,
if you even look at the thing,
one of the legs collapses
and they got these things
that you stick in through the little holes
to make sure it doesn't do it
but it doesn't fit.
Or,
I mean,
I don't know,
I don't know what I'm doing wrong with the thing.
It's just this classic,
you know,
made in China,
rip off
of something
that should have been made
in Mexico
because that's where
all of our shit,
it's either in China
or Mexico,
I feel.
So,
um,
I threw that
across the garage
because what ended up happening
was,
in my frustration
of taking it off again,
I fucking
I fucking
yanked it up
and I hit the,
the,
the ceiling
which is dusty
from the guys
fucking cutting it
and it made the tarp dirty
and I didn't realize
that the car cover
and I put it on my truck
and I got my truck dirty
and I was just like,
like,
I was so fucking upset
with myself
that I was literally like,
fuck this,
I go inside
and I go,
I'm getting a giant
white piece of paper
and I am just fucking
writing front
on the front
of this fucking thing
when I finally got it together
and I wrote it
on a piece of paper
and then I taped it
to the front
and I'm thinking like,
well,
what's gonna happen
when I go to wash
this thing
and I got this piece of paper
and I'm like,
I'll fucking take it off!
It was upset.
So,
I go in
to our copier
little thing,
right,
to get the piece
of fucking paper
and,
of course,
there's like,
toys
on top
of the copier
and one of them
had like a little bag
or whatever
and I was just thinking
I would just lift it up
but I don't even know
why I would even lift it up.
I don't know
why I even did that
and the bag tipped over
and like 40,000
fucking things,
this little plastic
Easter egg looking thing
spilt out
and I just snapped.
I go,
what the fucking fuck?
I just lost my shit
ever so briefly
but that was just enough
to fuck the whole day up,
right?
Then I go over
and by the way,
if you're an aunt
or an uncle,
an aunt or an uncle,
however you're supposed
to say it,
right?
And you buy toys
for your niece
and nephews
that has 5,000
fucking pieces,
you're a fucking asshole.
Especially if you don't have kids.
If you don't have fucking kids,
I don't look at that
as an excuse.
That's your passive-aggressive thing.
You're upset
because you don't have fucking kids.
You want kids
and you don't have kids
so now you're going to try
to make my fucking life miserable
by buying them
a fucking thing
that has like 50,000
fucking pieces to it.
And the only time
all those 50,000 pieces
are going to be all together
is the first time
I open the box
and then after that
they're going to be
all over the fucking house,
right?
Oh, Billy,
no substances.
He's on one today, baby.
So I go over to the counter
and I write front
in big fat fucking letters
with a shabby
and I start coloring it in
and I color in the F,
I get halfway through the R
and I said,
oh no,
is this going through the paper
and onto my counter?
And I looked through
and sure enough it did
and I was like,
what?
This is just one of these
fucking days, right?
So now I'm fucking scrubbing it
and of course it's not coming off,
right?
And I deliberately got
the granite countertops
because those other ones,
the marble ones,
it's just whatever gets in them,
it just absorbs it into it
and you can't get it out.
It's like stuck in there
like that guy under the ice
in the omen, right?
So I'm scrubbing it,
it's not coming off,
dishwashing thing,
I finally get it to fucking come off
and I'm just like,
this fucking day, right?
Oh, I didn't even tell you
what happened to my,
I bought a fucking shop vac
at Home Depot.
This is what really set me off
is when I bought it,
I saw a little piece of tape
over the flap
that opens the box.
I'm like, wait,
did somebody return this thing?
And I was already standing
in the line,
I turned around,
there's 10 people behind me,
I'm like, I'm not going back,
I'm sure it's fine.
I bring the fucking thing home,
it looks like somebody
vacuumed out like a fucking
barn find piece of shit car
with a mouse nest in it.
The thing was filthy,
it was fucking filthy.
So now I gotta go back,
back to fucking Home Depot
and I know what these cunts
are gonna say to me,
they're gonna say,
well, how do we know
you didn't do that?
It's like, buddy,
I'm not trying to fucking return it,
I'm trying to exchange it.
And at some point,
I'm gonna drop the F-bomb
and I already know
what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna leave that
fucking thing with them
and be like,
this is my gift to you.
You can put it back
on the shelves,
dirty like you did before.
Like, this is why
you go to mom and pop,
you can't wait,
you go to a mom and pop thing
and they got like
fucking two options
or you go to Home Depot,
they got a million options
and two employees
and you go and buy something
that somebody already
fucking used and returned.
I didn't even think
it had the fucking filter in it.
So, oh, Billy's on edge, right?
So I fucking come back out.
This has a happy ending,
by the way.
I fucking taped
this giant white thing
that says front,
like there's no fucking way
I can ever screw this up again
to the front of it, okay?
Oh my God,
this shit I was giving myself.
It's like,
why don't you write front on it?
Why do you go through this
every time?
It's like,
why don't you save
any of your fucking passwords
for your fucking accounts
on the internet?
Why do you set yourself up for this?
Why are you such an ADD
fucking idiot, right?
So, I was like,
all right,
do I really want to bring this energy
back into the house again?
No, I do not.
So,
I closed the fucking garage
and I sat down
and I played my drums,
which I've been doing
because I've had a little bit
more time now
as I'm getting towards
the end of this edit
of this movie
that I think is going to be
fucking great.
I'm very excited about it.
I sat down
and played fucking drums
and
I'm going to tell you this, dude.
My fucking right foot
was on fire.
I was so fucking mad
that I don't even,
and I didn't even have
my cell phone.
I didn't give a fuck
and I started playing
like these bottom phrases
and I swear,
I think I was the closest
to playing good times,
bad times.
I was fucking
burning through it
and I was also fucking
with that,
that lick he does
on I Can't Quit You Babe
where it's a 16th note triplet
followed by
like three in a row.
It's like,
gong, gong,
gong,
zippa-da-dum,
ba-ba-ba-boom.
It's that ba-ba-ba-boom
that I could never get after
and I started fucking with that
and I just kind of came up
with this
this bass drum exercise
going in and out
of three in a row
and 16th note triplets
which is just like
a technique thing
but if you do the two separately
when you try to do
one after another
you know,
up to tempo
it always falls apart
and then you get upset
and you'd be like,
I'm never gonna be able
to do it
as opposed to just
trying to work on
going in and out
of both of them
at a tempo
you can handle.
That's what I started doing
and I was so fucking mad.
Not to mention
warmed up,
walking back,
you know,
and forth from the fucking house.
The blood was flowing
so the limbs weren't cold.
I fucking crushed it
so I was psyched about that.
I came inside,
I apologized to my wife.
I said,
sorry,
I screamed,
fuck,
and goddamn
Home Depot
orange fucking cunts.
I'm sorry,
I yelled that in the kitchen
and she's just looking at me
like,
like she should be
looking at me.
And I'm like,
I said,
all right,
I'm gonna do stand-up tonight.
I'm gonna give you
a break from me
and she just starts laughing
so I ended up going out
and I went down
to the comedy store
and I went up
and I just went up
in front of like
this absolutely
perfect crowd.
They were so much
fucking fun
and I tried
a few new things.
I talked about my day
with the goddamn
shop vac
and
I had one of those sets
where it was just
every reason why
I did stand-up
and they asked me
if I wanted to go up
in this other room
and I said yes
before that set
and then after the set
I was just like,
I'm good,
I'm good.
It's not gonna get better
than that.
I'm not gonna fucking
chase it
and
so it did,
it did have
a nice,
a nice ending there
and then I,
you know,
got my,
my wife something
to eat on the way home
and everything was good.
So today
I'm gonna be hanging out
with my son
because
my wife's having a,
you know,
mother-daughter day
with my daughter
so
I'll probably take my
son
up and down
the driveway
in the truck.
We'll play catch,
maybe go to the park,
something like that.

Meltdown Because Car Cover - Bill Burr

and I got my truck washed
and, you know, I had some work done in the garage
and, you know, they had cut a little bit of the ceiling out
and they got this fucking dust all over the place.
By the way, I love when somebody comes over
to your fucking house to fix something
and if you have tools lying around,
they just fucking just start using them.
You know what I mean?
Like I had a ladder in the garage
and I see these footprints
and these guys just fucking use the ladder.
You know what I mean?
Like all of my shit gets drafted
into their little fucking war they have to fight,
like fix and fix.
Bring your own fucking tools.
Use your own fucking tools, you cunts.
They do it all the fucking time.
They're like, they're fucking, I swear to God.
Then another thing that I love too
is they don't give a fuck.
They just leave the door open
because they're walking in and out.
They can't open and close the door.
You get all kinds of flies in the fucking house.
They're fucking animals.
They come in like fucking grizzly bears.
Um, or maybe I just feel emasculated
that I don't know how to fix it,
but I'm just gonna make it be about
that they used my ladder
and left the door open.
Um,
ba-ba-ba-da-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-da.
Oh, I didn't even finish the fucking story.
Oh, so anyway,
so, so I gotta,
I get my truck washed,
so I'm like, well,
I want it to stay looking shiny
and new come aboard.
It's my F-100.
It shifts on the column.
That's what I hang my manhood on.
It shifts on the column.
Um, so I'm like,
all right,
I need to fucking wash the,
the tap,
the car cover there
so I can keep this thing looking good,
right?
So I wash the things,
the big, stupid, bulky fucking thing
and I know good and goddamn well
you can't,
you can wash a car cover,
you can't dry it
unless you have like
some industrial level
giant fucking,
you know,
a dryer the size of a fucking refrigerator
which obviously I don't.
So, um,
I just hang it off the back porch.
I let it dry old style.
Like, step right up,
step right up,
come and see the,
the greatest show on earth,
right?
Like the old days
where the ladies would be out there
hanging their fucking husband's wife beaters,
you know,
wiping their tears and mascara
off the front of it.
They would fucking dry it in the alleys.
I don't even know if they would do that.
I don't even,
they,
I just seen enough movies
where that's where they did it,
you know?
So my,
my,
my truck cover dries
and I bring it out to the gay-rage.
I put the gay in garage,
by the way.
Uh,
because I don't know how to fix anything,
right?
Not saying that gay people can't be handy.
All right?
And I didn't mean that in a sexual way.
Um,
so,
I go out there with the fucking tarp
and this happens to me.
Every time I put this fucking stupid tarp on,
it's an all black,
you know,
soft is a horse's muzzle.
All right?
There's a fucking reference for you.
And,
every time I go to put it on,
I can't figure out which is the front
and which is the back
because there's nothing for the mirrors.
It's just one of those ones
that just goes over,
it goes right over the truck
like fucking,
when you do paper
and somebody else throws out rock,
right?
Just,
right on top like that.
Like a spider on a bug there,
right?
So,
um,
I go to put it on
and of course,
it's not fucking working.
I'm looking for the fucking hole
that I cut for the antenna
and I don't know if moths got at it.
There's a bunch of fucking little
microscopic little holes.
I can't find it
and dude,
I fucking had such a meltdown.
So mad at myself.
It's like every time I put this fucking thing on,
I have to do it like 15 fucking times.
Why don't I just take a magic marker out
and write front
on the front?
Why don't I just fucking do that?
So,
I got this piece of shit
fucking workout little bench
in my,
uh,
in my garage
and I swear to God,
if you even look at the thing,
one of the legs collapses
and they got these things
that you stick in through the little holes
to make sure it doesn't do it
but it doesn't fit.
Or,
I mean,
I don't know,
I don't know what I'm doing wrong with the thing.
It's just this classic,
you know,
made in China,
rip off
of something
that should have been made
in Mexico
because that's where
all of our shit,
it's either in China
or Mexico,
I feel.
So,
um,
I threw that
across the garage
because what ended up happening
was,
in my frustration
of taking it off again,
I fucking
I fucking
yanked it up
and I hit the,
the,
the ceiling
which is dusty
from the guys
fucking cutting it
and it made the tarp dirty
and I didn't realize
that the car cover
and I put it on my truck
and I got my truck dirty
and I was just like,
like,
I was so fucking upset
with myself
that I was literally like,
fuck this,
I go inside
and I go,
I'm getting a giant
white piece of paper
and I am just fucking
writing front
on the front
of this fucking thing
when I finally got it together
and I wrote it
on a piece of paper
and then I taped it
to the front
and I'm thinking like,
well,
what's gonna happen
when I go to wash
this thing
and I got this piece of paper
and I'm like,
I'll fucking take it off!
It was upset.
So,
I go in
to our copier
little thing,
right,
to get the piece
of fucking paper
and,
of course,
there's like,
toys
on top
of the copier
and one of them
had like a little bag
or whatever
and I was just thinking
I would just lift it up
but I don't even know
why I would even lift it up.
I don't know
why I even did that
and the bag tipped over
and like 40,000
fucking things,
this little plastic
Easter egg looking thing
spilt out
and I just snapped.
I go,
what the fucking fuck?
I just lost my shit
ever so briefly
but that was just enough
to fuck the whole day up,
right?
Then I go over
and by the way,
if you're an aunt
or an uncle,
an aunt or an uncle,
however you're supposed
to say it,
right?
And you buy toys
for your niece
and nephews
that has 5,000
fucking pieces,
you're a fucking asshole.
Especially if you don't have kids.
If you don't have fucking kids,
I don't look at that
as an excuse.
That's your passive-aggressive thing.
You're upset
because you don't have fucking kids.
You want kids
and you don't have kids
so now you're going to try
to make my fucking life miserable
by buying them
a fucking thing
that has like 50,000
fucking pieces to it.
And the only time
all those 50,000 pieces
are going to be all together
is the first time
I open the box
and then after that
they're going to be
all over the fucking house,
right?
Oh, Billy,
no substances.
He's on one today, baby.
So I go over to the counter
and I write front
in big fat fucking letters
with a shabby
and I start coloring it in
and I color in the F,
I get halfway through the R
and I said,
oh no,
is this going through the paper
and onto my counter?
And I looked through
and sure enough it did
and I was like,
what?
This is just one of these
fucking days, right?
So now I'm fucking scrubbing it
and of course it's not coming off,
right?
And I deliberately got
the granite countertops
because those other ones,
the marble ones,
it's just whatever gets in them,
it just absorbs it into it
and you can't get it out.
It's like stuck in there
like that guy under the ice
in the omen, right?
So I'm scrubbing it,
it's not coming off,
dishwashing thing,
I finally get it to fucking come off
and I'm just like,
this fucking day, right?
Oh, I didn't even tell you
what happened to my,
I bought a fucking shop vac
at Home Depot.
This is what really set me off
is when I bought it,
I saw a little piece of tape
over the flap
that opens the box.
I'm like, wait,
did somebody return this thing?
And I was already standing
in the line,
I turned around,
there's 10 people behind me,
I'm like, I'm not going back,
I'm sure it's fine.
I bring the fucking thing home,
it looks like somebody
vacuumed out like a fucking
barn find piece of shit car
with a mouse nest in it.
The thing was filthy,
it was fucking filthy.
So now I gotta go back,
back to fucking Home Depot
and I know what these cunts
are gonna say to me,
they're gonna say,
well, how do we know
you didn't do that?
It's like, buddy,
I'm not trying to fucking return it,
I'm trying to exchange it.
And at some point,
I'm gonna drop the F-bomb
and I already know
what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna leave that
fucking thing with them
and be like,
this is my gift to you.
You can put it back
on the shelves,
dirty like you did before.
Like, this is why
you go to mom and pop,
you can't wait,
you go to a mom and pop thing
and they got like
fucking two options
or you go to Home Depot,
they got a million options
and two employees
and you go and buy something
that somebody already
fucking used and returned.
I didn't even think
it had the fucking filter in it.
So, oh, Billy's on edge, right?
So I fucking come back out.
This has a happy ending,
by the way.
I fucking taped
this giant white thing
that says front,
like there's no fucking way
I can ever screw this up again
to the front of it, okay?
Oh my God,
this shit I was giving myself.
It's like,
why don't you write front on it?
Why do you go through this
every time?
It's like,
why don't you save
any of your fucking passwords
for your fucking accounts
on the internet?
Why do you set yourself up for this?
Why are you such an ADD
fucking idiot, right?
So, I was like,
all right,
do I really want to bring this energy
back into the house again?
No, I do not.
So,
I closed the fucking garage
and I sat down
and I played my drums,
which I've been doing
because I've had a little bit
more time now
as I'm getting towards
the end of this edit
of this movie
that I think is going to be
fucking great.
I'm very excited about it.
I sat down
and played fucking drums
and
I'm going to tell you this, dude.
My fucking right foot
was on fire.
I was so fucking mad
that I don't even,
and I didn't even have
my cell phone.
I didn't give a fuck
and I started playing
like these bottom phrases
and I swear,
I think I was the closest
to playing good times,
bad times.
I was fucking
burning through it
and I was also fucking
with that,
that lick he does
on I Can't Quit You Babe
where it's a 16th note triplet
followed by
like three in a row.
It's like,
gong, gong,
gong,
zippa-da-dum,
ba-ba-ba-boom.
It's that ba-ba-ba-boom
that I could never get after
and I started fucking with that
and I just kind of came up
with this
this bass drum exercise
going in and out
of three in a row
and 16th note triplets
which is just like
a technique thing
but if you do the two separately
when you try to do
one after another
you know,
up to tempo
it always falls apart
and then you get upset
and you'd be like,
I'm never gonna be able
to do it
as opposed to just
trying to work on
going in and out
of both of them
at a tempo
you can handle.
That's what I started doing
and I was so fucking mad.
Not to mention
warmed up,
walking back,
you know,
and forth from the fucking house.
The blood was flowing
so the limbs weren't cold.
I fucking crushed it
so I was psyched about that.
I came inside,
I apologized to my wife.
I said,
sorry,
I screamed,
fuck,
and goddamn
Home Depot
orange fucking cunts.
I'm sorry,
I yelled that in the kitchen
and she's just looking at me
like,
like she should be
looking at me.
And I'm like,
I said,
all right,
I'm gonna do stand-up tonight.
I'm gonna give you
a break from me
and she just starts laughing
so I ended up going out
and I went down
to the comedy store
and I went up
and I just went up
in front of like
this absolutely
perfect crowd.
They were so much
fucking fun
and I tried
a few new things.
I talked about my day
with the goddamn
shop vac
and
I had one of those sets
where it was just
every reason why
I did stand-up
and they asked me
if I wanted to go up
in this other room
and I said yes
before that set
and then after the set
I was just like,
I'm good,
I'm good.
It's not gonna get better
than that.
I'm not gonna fucking
chase it
and
so it did,
it did have
a nice,
a nice ending there
and then I,
you know,
got my,
my wife something
to eat on the way home
and everything was good.
So today
I'm gonna be hanging out
with my son
be